9h00 am
25 minutes seated

Praise Jeebus; I didn't bounce up from sitting today!

Was focusing on sending love and kindness to myself. Brain weary as it's a new exercise and with new exercises come feelings and expectations on what I'm supposed to be "feeling". Really tired and groggy as sleep didn't come until about 4 am (better than being up all night though!). Don't know if it was because I was tired, but 25 minutes felt like three. I'm still trying to figure out if I fell asleep kneeling because I'm grasping to remember what my practice was like this morning and am having severe issues in doing so.

Keep having retarded unmindful moments. Today I lost my house keys and had no idea how and when and why. Somewhere they were lost between the back door and my bedroom. I eventually found them in my laundry hamper and have no recollection of putting them there. I'm starting to wonder if I'm just full of anxiety and failing to be honest with myself, and if I have a lot more on my mind than I'm willing to admit. It's really weird and that, in turn, creates feelings and mental formations of inadequate self worth, as when I tell people these things it's all "but you teach yoga, you SHOULDN'T be like this" or "and you call yourself a meditation teacher? People who meditate SHOULDN'T be like that". I try to be compassionate to myself and let myself know I'm just having human experiences and that I won't always have so much anxiety over finances and life and everything else. Sometimes when I'm sitting I feel like if I wasn't mentally aware of my thoughts and feelings, and wasn't able to observe them, I'd go crazy. When you stop to listen and observe, lots of scary stuff comes up. I'm happy I know now to not get swept away in the moment (80% of the time. I can only get better). :)