Do everything with a mind that lets go.
Do not expect any praise or reward.
If you let go a little, you will have a little peace.
If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.
If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom.
Your struggles with this world
will have come to an end.

--Achaan Chah

I need this reminder a lot recently.

Back to formal seated practice tomorrow!

Three hours of Noble Silence/Mindfulness

6h30 am
on my couch, back supported

I was up at 5h30 am on my last day to sleep in (of course I was) so I decided to be productive and read, sat (last day of working with exercises 5-8 oh my goodness longest three weeks of my life I swear to God) and did more reading. Went to the gym. Came home, showered, did laundry, mindfully cleaned bathroom. I was headachy and really naseauted again this morning, which kind of sucked. Caught up with emails, journaling, played the piano.

I'm still kind of hung over from Friday night - both the performance and the going out with my best girl. It was the end of a really busy but fulfilling week. Beethoven is one of my favourite composers and being able to sing some of his major choral works on a stage with a group of such talented musicians was such an honour. Like I swear that night I touched the hand of God and finally realized how interconnected everything was. Such a shame to come back down to earth. But, it was a pleasure to reach that sort of state of samadhi (well, what I think it was, anyway). I've never been able to get like that through sitting and asana practice. But with music, so much of the time, I can go there, and I love it.

2h00pm
in savasana

A few days before the two week deadline and two weeks before my own self imposed deadline of one month, I engaged in some not so mindful consumption last night after my concert. Anyway, I'm paying for it this morning, hence we're doing a "sit" "lying down" in corpse pose... which is pretty much how I felt upon waking up this afternoon.

It was interesting, though, to see how much my tolerance had decreased in twelve days! I had three beers, one shot, and was so horribly drunk it was unreal. My tolerance has never been like that before. I'm in awe.

Needless to say, my sit today was a bit rough. Plenty of distractions - huge headache, squirmyness, not feeling well, hot and cold. It was interesting to observe the sensations as they came and went. Also interesting to observe my mental formations making mountains out of molehills as my headache progressed. I reminded myself to appreciate my non headaches more often. Especially since headaches have been the theme of my life for the past two weeks or so and it's made hour to hour living kind of difficult for me. It was also a huge struggle for me to not fall back asleep, which is why we're not supposed to sit in savasana, but my head seriously could not take being vertical at the time. The wise idea might have been to not sit at that present moment, however I knew as the day progressed I'd probably come up with a million excuses to not do it anyway, so there we were.

10h00 am
on my couch back supported

Lots of joy and happiness today, but also lots of mind wandering and gone with the winding, as I kept thinking about my first performance tonight and how all week I've been working with the most talented group of musicians ever and how awesome that is and how I don't want this week to end and how that's totally grasping at happiness and maybe I'm just a blisshead after all. That's ok though.

I've noticed a lot this week, as well, that when I'm singing, or doing anything that involves music actually, I automatically drop into that serene, happy, joyful, calm buzzy place where I'm more present than a stop watch and noticing and am absolutely aware of anything that is going on. Music always does this to me, even if I'm just listening to a live orchestra play or watching an opera. This is where I get my samadhi from, I think... not just the sitting itself. I hope one day my sitting practice gets to be like the practice I do for singing or for playing any of my instruments. When I'm playing, even if a piece is exceptionally difficult, I'm able to stay focused enough and present enough to observe what is going on, even my mental formations around the piece and play through that. It appears, musically, I've been practicing mindfulness my entire life. Now, to be able to combine that with my formal mediation practice...

Anyway, I have a tonne of things I must get done before call tonight so now I must scram. :D

11h40 pm
seated meditation before one hour asana practice

Well. Today's unexpected theme was definitely about releasing expectations and letting go. I'm feeling a lot better this week compared to last, as I'm not crazy hormonal. So because I'm actually feeling joy and happiness, of course, I go to do my sit/asana practice with all these expectations that it's gonna be a joyful happy practice cuz my favourite teacher is teaching and it's just gonna be awesome.

I get there, she found a sub for today, and there is a tonne of construction going on on the roof of the studio, so it basically sounds like Thor and Freya are going at it, hardcore, the room is shaking, and I'm sitting here, trying to feel joyful and happy and notice mental formations and being aware of feelings. I can definitely say the tone of both the sit and asana practice were unpleasant. Which was unfortunate, but there's tomorrow. Even though I felt frustration, I didn't notice impatience. Normally, I'd want to get myself out of a situation such as that, but I didn't find myself wanting to turn and leave the room/studio. A few months ago, I might have, so that was kind of cool to experience.

Brushed my teeth mindfully this morning and ate mindfully, but forgot to wash dishes mindfully, wanting to get them done as quickly as possible before I left for practice. Oops!

9h00 am
on my couch, back supported

First sit in a few days. Also first chance I got to sleep in past 4h45 am in awhile too! I was drowsy but felt it was easier to drop into my sit, and my mind was calm. Thought about joy and happiness. I've noticed I still cling to joy, once I feel it. And sometimes keep thinking about Phoenix even after I am feeling joy. A couple times thoughts popped into my head about what I need to get done today. Worrying about stuff that's coming up, etc etc. Phoenix decided to have mental formations of his own (to his defense, I sat before I fed him) and decided to sit next to me and talk the entire time too, so that was semi annoying. When my alarm beeped it didn't feel like twenty minutes.

So it's another week, and time for another micro-practice add in!

I've already been brushing my teeth mindfully, and eating mindfully. I sometimes forget to do these things mindfully, and will always remember right after the fact. This week I will add washing dishes mindfully to the list. Next week I'll add another bell of mindfulness.

three hours of Noble Silence

Three hours of Noble Silence

I had a most productive morning. I woke up, made potato pancakes for breakfast, ate mindfully, cuddled with a cute kitty, caught up with about twenty emails, sent off some letters and job applications, went to the gym, and started a new book.

All caught up... for now.

7h30
My couch

Instead of grasping and rummaging around in my brain for some big huge joyous memory, I realized that I have a joyful moment every day. My cat and I kind of have this ritual. Since Phoenix thinks he's a dog, he comes and greets me at the door every day when I come home. I drop everything I am carrying and pick him up for a cuddle, just so he knows he's the most important animal in the universe. The joy I feel is from turning my key in the lock and hearing him come towards the door, and the second I pick him up I guess is when the joyful movement turns to happiness?

So when I sat down tonight, that's what I sat with, and my god. What a difference. Took me until week three to figure it out, but it happened. Right in front of me this entire time and I've been trying to go back to times in my life when I felt the most joy and happiness and all that other stuff. Way to go, Frost.

11h25am
on the subway, headed back home after teaching.

It takes longer than twenty minutes to get to my stop from Bloor West, my ipod batteries were dead, so it's a great time to sit. Having issues still with feeling joy and happiness arise. I've been working on formulating joyful thoughts and remembering joyful moments and being able to drop the memory and keep the feeling. I find myself, more often than not, grasping for the memory, then grasping for the feeling. It's funny how trying to bring something so positive into my sit is causing so much grief. Less resistance today (probably because I had something to do instead of read or listen to music or stare into space) but more impatience, especially when I felt the train not moving or doors not closing for longer than usual. So, even though I'm trying to have a bit of a sit my mind is still kind of thinking about getting back home and writing everything down. Really, my mind is fast forwarding to the last class I teach tonight before getting a few days off, and how I can feel the beginnings of a migraine and how that's not going to be fun. I'll live.

My eyes opened two stops before I was to get off, ending my sit. Then just felt really impatient to get off the train. The idea was good in theory, but I don't think it is something I'll do again, unless, like today, my ipod runs out of juice and I've finished reading my book.

11:40am

sat before class. was really bored and didnt really feel anything. felt like my mind was empty. good practice though.

6h45 am
at my apartment, post-gym

I did "running meditation" at the gym this morning for an hour. It was weird to run with no headphones on the treadmill. Also eerily silent as only one other person was there at 5 am.

Came home, showered, ate, and sat for 20.

Allowed myself to feel joy. I didn't have to search for it this morning. It came up, despite me being tired and just wanting to go back to bed to nap for another hour until I have to leave to go teach. Felt happiness. Felt grasping. Weird to notice how, when I start to feel joy or happiness, my heart rate increases slightly.

Today begins the day where I give up alcohol and white/brown/cane sugar. I'm specific about that since I still have a bunch of fruit at home that I don't want to let go bad... but it will do me well, I think, to give the processed stuff for a little awhile, and the junk food. Winter is coming and since I turn into a sloth anyway, I don't need the extra stuff :P

Still brushing my teeth mindfully. I'm going to add eating mindfully to my list of micro practices this week.

And adding one bell of mindfulness into my micro-practice = today I start with taking a few breaths every time I get a text message. Which I already forgot to do when my phone went off just now. Next time :)

3h00 pm
my living room, on the couch, legs crossed, back supported

See ok. I am becoming increasingly frustrated with my sit because I don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing.

So we're going over exercise 5-8 which is fine and dandy, and I do that. But I'm not feeling joy. I'm not feeling happiness. So when that happens, do I force myself to feel joy and happiness? Cuz to me, that's being fake, and I don't like that. Like, isn't the point of mindfulness to begin with is to take stock of what we are feeling and just noticing that and observing it, and where it comes from?

I'm lost.

Reflections on Mindfulness Training Number 5

I keep forgetting to brush my teeth mindfully. But it's not like I'm having all these other thoughts bubble up. I'm not thinking of anything, then I forget that I'm supposed to be really paying attention to brushing my teeth. If anything, I'm trying to focus on not brushing as hard. Some people are blessed with a receeding hair line. I'm blessed with a receeding gum line. So please Karina, for the love of mindfulness and your mouth, please pay attention when brushing your teeth.

The Fifth Mindfulness Training

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I vow to ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being, and joy in my body, in my consciousness, and in the collective consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol, or any intoxicant or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain TV programs, magazines, books, films, and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body of my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society, and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger, and confusion in myself and in society by self-transformation and for the transformation of society.

I kept chuckling to myself as I read this. I betray my ancestors when damaging the body of my consciousness with these poisons... I'm half German and half Italian. We drink as soon as we're old enough to breathe ;)

Jokes aside, I can see how one could betray their ancestors though with intoxicants, especially when one lets the intoxicant be in control of them (alcoholism or substance abuse disorders) which basically can lead to perpetuating an already vicious cycle of pain (which I've seen first hand when I worked for Children's Aid and Toronto Council Fire).

I remember during my original teacher training Frank said the trainings don't tell us what not to consume... however it states pretty explicitly what we shouldn't! I feel like this is the most forward of the teachings, and because it is so forward, we feel resistance to it when we first read it! Giving up alcohol and other drugs forever and ever? Are you serious! Oh no! And mental formations abound. I don't think these teachings ask us to specifically give these up forever, but I think what it is trying to do is allow us to be more mindful with our consumption.

Being asked to give up something brings me back to my mom dragging my ass to Church for Lent and having to give up something. I'm less resistant to giving up things now that I was as a child, that's for sure. I see this as something that can strengthen my practice, and am also looking at it as a bit of an autumn cleanse, to get me all nice and glowing before my birthday in October.

I'm actually going to push myself past the month mark and am asking myself to give up alcohol and sugar. Alcohol should be relatively easy, but sugar and soda I have grown somewhat addicted to since I quit smoking and developed addiction transference. Considering my mom got adult onset diabetes, sugar is probably the best thing I can give up once in awhile. And considering how I've been drowning my sorrows in food and booze lately, it probably wouldn't hurt to let myself off of these for a bit. Back to being fully present, and able to deal and cope with the shit life decides to throw at me.

Sticking with mindful consumption... I'm seriously going to stop feeding into gossip, or saying mean things about people. I generally don't do this to begin with, but lately I've noticed myself develop really hostile feelings towards a few of my ex boyfriends. No apparent reason besides my heart feels black and I feel lonely. I'm going to work on not being bitter.

This will all end on October 19th so I can be all present and well rested and shiney and happy for my birth-week. haha.

9h30 am
my apartment

So much resistance to sit today. It's like I almost don't want to explore what's going on inside my mind. I really can't blame myself for that, either. It gets scary sometimes.

Feelings of impatience as I reluctantly set my alarm for twenty minutes. So tempted to cheat and put ten. Sitting on my couch with my back supported. Mostly noticing impatience, resistance, anger. Sit with that. I start to think of the support I've received from friends since I found out yesterday and feel blessed. I feel my heart rate start to calm and my mind is silent. I don't feel joy, and I don't feel happiness, but I feel calm, so I'll take that.

9h45 am

It's pretty difficult to feel joy and happiness when your mother calls you right before your sit to tell you your grandfather has cancer.

Cuz really, all I felt was pain, sadness, disbelief, and like I've been punched in the chest.

2h30 pm
my apartment

I can't get bits and pieces of Handel's Messiah out of my head as I get to my couch. I've been dancing and waltzing to myself and through my yoga classes today, and I guess meditation isn't going to be any different? Well here we go.

Breathing in, allowing the body to be calm. Feeling joy.

Rejoice, rejoice, oh daughters of Zion...

I decided to let myself rejoice. That's bringing about awareness of joy, right? Noticing extreme amounts of joy and happiness around me. Thought about how I wanted that feeling to last, and realized I was grasping, and potentially creating suffering.

Handel danced his way out of my head, and along came Mozart. Feeling myself slowly starting to rock from one sits bone to the other, the overature from The Marriage of Figaro playing through my head. I think this is the first time there's been no chatter, only music, going on in my head, so it's a different feeling for me and I don't know if I should switch to a concentration exercise or try to let it play on. I decide to let it play on. Classical music never hurt anyone.

Continue noticing feelings of happiness and joy. Drawing awareness to the grasping I feel whenever pleasant sensations bubble up inside me. Noticing pleasant feelings rise up during my sit.

Alarm rings! Time flew by!

3h30 pm
My apartment
contemplation on exercises 5-8 in the anapanasati sutra.

Terribly difficult to be joyful as I sat. I questioned my bad mood as I begin my sit - on my couch, back supported. During my sit, I realized I needed to stop thinking so negatively about some things currently going on in my life. In addition to that, I need to be ok with things not going well.

Frank reminded me of this in our phone call tonight - that mindfulness isn't just about generating peace and bliss and calm - its about learning how to observe and be ok with what is going on around you; the suffering is what's created when we grasp and cling (mental formations!!) to the good, creating longing for what is good. I do this so much, especially now since I've experienced that joy and bliss and rapture and the desire to cling is sooooo there! It's like heroin for the brain sometimes. Or rather, I think I fully understand drug addiction now. I mean, I got it before since I'm an ex smoker, and quitting cigarettes was THE hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, but I never experienced joy and bliss from smoking a cigarette.

I'm going to start simple with my micropractice and will dedicate this week to mindfully brushing my teeth.

3 hours of Noble Silence

Sat. Felt bitter. Cried. Tried to do body decomposition meditation but decided to just go back to simple breath concentration exercises. Rearranged the furniture in my apartment while sitting (in my head, of course. My telepathic powers aren't that keen yet). Mentally busy.

Applied for jobs. Caught up on emails. Drafted recommendation letters. Finished a few job applications. Wished myself luck. Went to take a yoga class. Lightly cleaned.

Ended by silence by sitting at my piano warming up my vocal cords. Felt extreme sadness as for whatever reason, my heart is completely blocked right now and you can totally tell when I sing. Perfect technique doesn't mean anything if you're not living or singing from your heart. Uuuuugh.

1h30 pm
on my couch, back supported.

So much reluctance to sit. So stressed out. So upset about so many things. Try to calm my breath, which has been so hard to do lately.

Start to imagine my body decomposing. Feel a smile spread across my lips and wonder why the hell I am thinking this is fun. Feel the flesh come off, exposing facial tissue, ligaments, tendons, muscles. Organs and blood. Bones. I feel my heart rate quicken as I imagine myself a pile of bones. I was ok with the tissues melting away. I'm less ok with this. So hard to imagine bones disintegrating to nothing. With the last piece of dust that was left of me, I built my current manifestation back up again.

I looked down at my cell phone and realized I had either never set my alarm or I sat right through it. Damn.

Second Month Project

Guided Meditation/Asana Practice/Relaxation on the First Foundation of Mindfulness

Sit in a comfortable position, allowing your body to be upright. Start to draw awareness to the breath as it moves in and out of the body. Notice the belly rising on the inhales. Notice the belly falling on the exhales. Start to follow the breath. Notice how it enters the nostrils, travels down the back of the throat and into nasal pharynx, down into the bronchial tubes, into the lungs. Notice the lungs as they expand and contract, following the breath on its journey out of the body. Notice if the breaths are long, or if the breaths are short. Feel the position of the body on the ground. Draw awareness to the feet and legs, and what parts are touching the floor. Notice any sensations in the toes, feet, shins, knees, thighs. Moving upward, noticing sensations through the hips, belly, chest, shoulders, arms, hands, fingers. Notice any thoughts moving through the brain. Draw the focus back to the breath and how it moves in and out of the body. As the bell sounds, draw your attention to the sound, gently opening up your eyes. Palms into prayer, and bow.

Start your practice in virasana, hero's pose. Sitting tall, draw the awareness towards the breath and how it moves in and out of the body. Grow taller through the spine on the inhales. On the exhales, feel the body root itself towards the floor, noticing what parts of the body are touching the floor.

Slowly make your way into a table top position. Shoulders above the wrists, all ten fingers spread wide on the mat. On the inhale, lift the tailbone and the forehead towards the ceiling, giving a slight compression to the spine and a stretch to the abdominals, in cow pose. On the exhale, tuck the tailbone towards the floor, tuck the chin to the chest, creating a stretch in the spine, coming into cat pose. Repeat as many inhales and exhales as you wish. Notice how the positioning of the body changes on the in and out breaths. Notice how the feelings in the body change between the postures, how both front body and back body expand and contract with the movement of the breath. Try changing the movements and the breath. Exhaling to cow and inhaling to cat. Notice any thoughts or feelings that come up in the body when the order is reversed.

Come to a neutral spine. Curl over the toes, and life the sits-bones towards the ceiling coming into a downward dog. Draw awareness to the sensations in the body. Feeling the blood pool towards the feet, head, hands and arms. Feel the hamstrings soften towards the back wall. Relax the calves and heels towards the floor, melt the heart towards the feet. Take a couple breaths in this posture, noticing how the air is moving differently throughout the body.

Come back into a table top position, and press the hips back towards the heels, extending the arms out in front of you, coming into balasana, or child's pose. Keep the pose active by pressing the palms of the hands into the floor, fingers wide apart, feeling how the forearms and elbows come off the floor. Notice how the forehead is gently resting on the floor. Feel the release through the lumbar spine and the stretch through the back body. On the next inhale, gently release the pose, slowly coming into hero, then exhaling and laying on your back for final savasana.

Closing your eyes, and quieting your mind, draw your attention to your belly. Imagine yourself in a bubble. With every inhale, feel the bubble expand and get bigger. On the next in breaths, imagine the bubble covering your entire body. Then the mat. Then the room. The bubble gets bigger with every in breath, encompassing the surrounding neighbourhood, city, province, continent, hemisphere, planet, solar system, galaxy, universe. Drawing awareness to the exhales, take yourself back with every exhale. The bubble shrinks, from the universe, to the galaxy, solar system, planet, hemisphere, continent, province, city, neighbourhood, room, mat, body. Feel the self completely relaxed, being as much a part of the mat, the floor, the room, etc as you are with the body. Stay for as long as you wish. Namaste.

Fourth Foundation Reflection

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and to relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy and hope. I am determined to not spread news that I do not know to be certain and not criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

I think this one is my favourite one. People always comment on how much more quieter I've become since my first teacher training - moreso now! I hope one day my brain can become as quiet as my mouth has!

3 am
my apartment in Toronto

It's 3 am, and I am just getting down to my first sit of the week since I came back to Toronto on Saturday. I've been a tad busy.

I'm tired. I can't get over how tired I am and how much I want to go back to bed. But trying to go back to bed has failed, and since sleep evades me, as it usually does several nights a week, I sit. Noticing the heaviness of my head. Noticing not wanting to keep sitting up. I contemplate laying down and would laugh at the irony of actually falling asleep. As I have to get up at 4h30, there's almost no point. Noticing I have yet to read exercises 9 and 10 in the sati- and am probably not even doing the right thing. What is right, anyway?

Notice the brain constantly chattering. Think about contemplation for unmindful speech. Think about cat and how he kind of sucks for making hairball sounds in my ear at 2 am since he hasn't yet learned to not start to hairball on my bed, especially when I am sleeping.

Alarm goes off. I feel more tired and turn off the lights. And am once again, wide awake. I am so going to the gym.