8h10ish am
on the subway

My ipod died the second I walked into the subway today to go teach. Great. Somehow I found a seat, closed my eyes, and decided to sit, since the opportunity presented itself and in all honesty, I knew I wouldn't get to it today unless I did it right then and there.

It's always so much more challenging to drop "down" into that state of mind when there are so many things going on around you to distract you. I totally felt the guy sitting across from me staring at me, which made me feel really uncomfortable. I dropped my head a little towards my chest to make it look like I was sleeping. Obviously, I am still having issues with allowing people to see that I'm meditating on the subway. Even though people sit there picking their nose, cutting their nails, doing their makeup, scraping dead skin off their arms, etc, for whatever reason, I feel uncomfortable with allowing other people to see that I'm trying to stay present and find stillness.

Not listening to music allowed me to listen to people talking on the subway. A group of giggly high school girls got on the subway and started talking about the latest and greatest at these expensive designer clothes stores. I felt anger arise (unpleasant feeling tone!) because there is so much more to life than designer clothes, there is no reason to broadcast to the entire subway car so loudly how daddy gives you his credit card so you can buy shit and look cool, and talking shit about the fashion sense of classmates that are not with you that, in your opinions, look "retarded".

Then I remember the designer purses I have in dust bags in my closet, and how one of my favourite TV shows is "Gossip Girl" and decided that I wasn't really that different from those girls. The unpleasant feelings I was experience were also probably deeply rooted frustrations I've had with myself over the same thing - affording designer clothes, wearing the latest and greatest, shit talking about people to compensate for my own shortcomings. I'm happy that I'm past that (mostly), and that I've grown up and realized that there is more to life than that. I hope those girls realize that one day too. I think that might be compassion developing?

After that realization, I tuned them out. Every time the subway chimes rang I took three deep breaths to allow my wandering brain to come right back to the present. It still felt like it took forever for the subway train to get to my stop though, just like it did a few weeks back as well. Trying to let go of impatience.