This is what I shall do.

“This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body” – Walt Whitman



I feel like no matter how settled I think I am, my life can go off in 1000 different directions on a moment's notice.

I applied for social work jobs in the UK this morning since I'm so fearful of not getting my contract extended and not getting a job in Toronto. I didn't want to head overseas until I got permanent residency here, but more than anything I need money, and I need to move to where the money is. Hence my also applying for jobs in Montreal, Halifax, Vancouver, Los Angeles, San Diego, and all over Hawaii.

I feel like the one thing that is the biggest barrier for me currently is money. I'm terrified I'll have to move back to Chicago, and I know that I'll be even worse off there than I am here - cuz this time around I won't have access to a car to get me places, I'll have maybe one or two friends as opposed to the whole network of friends I have here, and more family drama I prefer to distance myself from. I have considered moving back, but when I weigh the pros and cons, there are so many more cons than there are pros. I truly think moving back would be a huge step back for me.

But if my contract doesn't get extended and I can't find a job, what are my other options? Sure I can go back to full time yoga teaching, but that's only sustainable for a short time. $2000/month doesn't allow me to save for anything, nor pay off debts. Since I've been working for COTA, I was able to pay off and cancel three credit cards, finance my trips to Vancouver, Germany, and Costa Rica, and over all not stress out about money to the point where I lost sleep.

If I woke up tomorrow morning and my life was perfect I'd:
have a full time permanent position at COTA
have enough money to pay down my debt
have a smooth application process with immigration Canada
have a voice teacher
be planning some nice European vacation minus psychotic German boys
be in a healthy, reciprocated, passionate, romantic relationship with a man who treats me like the queen that I am
be in a position to do the things I need to do so I can go back to school and get a college diploma or a master's degree in music therapy

I feel like I'm stuck in this vortex and all this shit is spinning around me and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or where the fuck I'm going. And there's this huge big financial piece that is standing in the way and I don't know what to do about it. I also feel like I wasted too much time in undergrad and don't know how I'm going to commit to doing something else, when I'd like to get married, I'd like to start a family, and I don't see how that is possible to do both.

In all honesty, I just want to fucking cry.

*edit*

on the flip side, I guess it's better to be stressed about having too much opportunity than upset because I don't have enough. Still am gonna spend the next half hour crying though. Then I need to get over it cuz I gotta go teach.

I need a job where I can:

-make music
-help others
-create beauty
-travel the world
-engage in scientific research.

Let's make that happen.