Another year. A thousand and ten changes. My mind has been writing this on and off all day and I'm not even sure if I can remember it now. But thats ok, as there's always room for more written word.
I reflect back to how I felt at this time last year, to how I feel today. The feeling of lonliness and longing still exists, like it did last year, but the desperation, the severe depression, the not even wanting to wake up in the morning is all gone. I'm relieved of that. And its quite surprising to me. I never thought I'd get this far.
You were suppossed to be here. And you're not. I should have seen it coming but I didn't. Maybe it will be one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in life. Maybe God will be gracious and grant us a second chance. Only time will tell. But I hope its the latter.
I think about everything that's gone on the past year and think of how far I've come. Although my mindset feels miles away from when I was in Hawaii, that spark is still there. With that, all I see is hope, and love, and inner peace. It's been burning ever since that sangha circle, I had a melt down, and I let the crap of 2006 and early 2007 go. It was an amazing, wonderful, freeing feeling. The spark still burns, and gets dim at times, but I can still feel that fire coming from my heart, that passion; its there. And its not going away. I am so, so thankful for that.
I am so thankful for the friends in my life. I've come to realize that not all of them can give me 100% all the time, and no one can be the perfect friend or partner 100% of the time. I know Im not. I'm thankful for the compassion and empathy I've been given, the laughter, the joy, the tears, the hugs, the kisses, the hellos, the goodbyes, the fights, the sarcastic comments, the burns, the yo mama jokes, the ridiculous silences, the alcohol or marijuana induced stupidity. I'm so so so thankful for Josh and his refusing to give up on me, and his always wanting to make light of any situation and to try to put a smile on my face. I don't think he's ever going to fully understand how much he means to me, but I don't think I'm ever really going to either, and thats ok, cuz really I'm too chicken shit to tell him to his face. He knows, anyway. But, if anything, he's totally my nomination for friend of the year.
This Christmas, I am wishing for and will be receiving peace and joy in my heart, love and laughter to surround me, light in my life, and that firey passion, that fierce grace to come from within. I want next year to play out with as much intensity and learning as this one did. I'm sure it will. So many adventures lie ahead it can only be a phoenomenal year.
If I could only have you near
to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
on this winter's night with you.
God bless us. Every one.
