3h00 pm
25 minutes seated

The past month has been interesting and challenging and I have my next phone call one week from today? It feels like I'm behind and it feels like I've hardly gotten into this month at all.

I was so exhausted from being up for two-ish days that by the time I got to the yoga studio I kind of broke down and Don took my class for me. Holla for awesome coworkers. Then we talked after and it was like sitting in Frank's TT all over again. I really really really needed that refresher. And I also really need to keep telling myself that if people can show me that much kindness and compassion then I really do need to be more kind and compassionate to myself!

So I read - really really read - exercise 15 in the Satipatana (love meditation) before I sat today since I've noticed a lot of anger (towards myself) surfacing. It seems I am able to recognize the suffering of others, but have difficulty recognizing it in myself, and I'm wondering if that's what leads to me not being able to sleep at night. Yesterday when I was pretty upset, I was asked to go deeper into where I was hurting and I noticed I completely resisted to doing it until I was told to do it again. And it sucked. Really sucked. And made me cry harder. But then I noticed that even though I felt soooooooooo horrible at that moment, the moments I observed after that seemed easier and lighter. And then last night I slept for almost 8 hours. Which is the first time in eight weeks I've slept for longer than four.

Anyway, so I decided to focus on sending love to myself and observing my feelings on how I have been suffering, and how I make my own suffering worse through not calming my mental formations. I think that's why I wanted to turn my insomnia, or my tendency to panic once the lights go off, into a bell of mindfulness because really, I do think that the really hard shit is probably what I can benefit from going through the most. I still felt myself alternate between being present and nodding off, but it's a start.

With the exception of a brief 4 hours I was restlessly sleeping yesterday I've been up for pretty much 48 hours straight and am so not a happy camper.

I'm turning bouts of insomnia into a mindfulness practice and trying not to get upset about them and just focus on my breathing. I know you gave me a tonne of tips Frank, but seriously... none of them are working. I can't even walk a straight line right now and I'm supposed to be teaching. Hahahaha.

I ended up sitting around 5h30, when I gave up on trying to get to sleep before my alarm went off at seven. When you're angry and frustrated, it's hard to be compassionate with yourself, especially when your body is refusing to do something that you want it to.

9h00 am
25 minutes seated

Praise Jeebus; I didn't bounce up from sitting today!

Was focusing on sending love and kindness to myself. Brain weary as it's a new exercise and with new exercises come feelings and expectations on what I'm supposed to be "feeling". Really tired and groggy as sleep didn't come until about 4 am (better than being up all night though!). Don't know if it was because I was tired, but 25 minutes felt like three. I'm still trying to figure out if I fell asleep kneeling because I'm grasping to remember what my practice was like this morning and am having severe issues in doing so.

Keep having retarded unmindful moments. Today I lost my house keys and had no idea how and when and why. Somewhere they were lost between the back door and my bedroom. I eventually found them in my laundry hamper and have no recollection of putting them there. I'm starting to wonder if I'm just full of anxiety and failing to be honest with myself, and if I have a lot more on my mind than I'm willing to admit. It's really weird and that, in turn, creates feelings and mental formations of inadequate self worth, as when I tell people these things it's all "but you teach yoga, you SHOULDN'T be like this" or "and you call yourself a meditation teacher? People who meditate SHOULDN'T be like that". I try to be compassionate to myself and let myself know I'm just having human experiences and that I won't always have so much anxiety over finances and life and everything else. Sometimes when I'm sitting I feel like if I wasn't mentally aware of my thoughts and feelings, and wasn't able to observe them, I'd go crazy. When you stop to listen and observe, lots of scary stuff comes up. I'm happy I know now to not get swept away in the moment (80% of the time. I can only get better). :)

I really have been horrible at sitting since my last post as I have way too much to do, and when I have been able to get to my mat, I'm able to do a whole 15 minutes before I feel guilty for doing nothing and bounce up. Busy schedule, busy mind, way too much on my mind, and I haven't even started what we're supposed to be doing the next two weeks because I have had no time to review loving kindness meditations. I'm trying to be nicer to myself though. I figure it's a start.

There's been a few situations over the last couple days I could have handled more mindfully. Friday I was trying to trek over to Leah's house when I couldn't find my wallet. I exploded into panic as I had been at the dry cleaner's and grocery store earlier and was worried my wallet had slipped out of my bag on the way home from both and would have been completely gone by the time I realized it. I ran around my house panicing and swearing and all around my house, checked all my bags, etc, freaking out. Of course, the wallet was underneath my yoga bag, which I had put on the couch to pack for Leah's. Of course it was. It just amused me that instead of taking a break I just flipped my shit and got to the point where I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn't stop thinking about all the cash I had in there (birthday money) which I needed to use for bills and how they wouldn't get paid and couldn't stop panicing. Not sleeping and then panicing because I have insomnia hasn't been exactly mindful either. Praise Jesus for sugar free red bull, since that's all I'm running on these days.

There's been a few more but I can't write about them publicly. I'll try to find time to sit tonight or tomorrow but honestly I'm so exhausted right now I'll probably fall asleep if I do.

12h00 pm
on my cushion, in my bedroom

I like my new spot for sitting! I sit right in front of my fireplace. I haven't lit the candles in there yet to do meditation while staring at the flames, but I feel so much more grounded there than I did when I was sitting on my couch. Perhaps cuz I'm actually on the ground this time? ahaha. Sometimes my cat curls up next to me and naps while I sit and it's so cute to watch and then observe all my thoughts as they come up telling me how cute he is.

My heart seemed to be full of love and gratitude today. Like, literally, it felt swollen. And I couldn't stop smiling. I don't really know where any of this came from, but I just woke up feeling so awfully lucky to be here and be doing what I love and having the people in my life that I do. It was also interesting to note how I was grasping at these feelings, as I found myself telling myself that I hoped this feeling would always last (when I know damn well it won't!) and how I wished I could feel this way forever.

Like I said, I know I won't, but it's great how my mind and my heart were at ease today. And it's great how I can record all of this down so I can look back on the calm and peaceful and not so calm and peaceful times to remind myself just how much things change every single day.

sit/half day of mindfulness

9h30 am
on the cushion

My day began when I rolled out of bed and realized I didn't need to be anywhere until 6h30 pm, which is always a great feeling.

During my sit, I felt the emptiness in my stomach, which my mind recognized as hunger and noticed how my thoughts began to spin stories about how hungry I was, etc. It was interesting to observe those feelings and those formations - I noticed that I wasn't hungry all the time, and the feelings would come and go, as as they did my mind would get noisy or be quiet depending.

I added my landline/cell phone ringing to my bells of mindfulness. I think I'm going to add drinking (any liquid) as a micropractice - I'm pretty at a loss for what to add these days!

I spent three hours in silence, catching up on emails, world news, sending some emails, and making food. And mailing stuff. And trying not to be upset about things I thought I'd let go of a long time ago. Ah well. :)

11h40am
20-25 minutes seated practice before yoga

I remember when I first started sitting and would try to sit before I'd take a yoga class and how distracted I'd get with everything and then I'd end up having a shitty asana practice.

Month four, and I found I am able to just presently "observe" distractions. It was weird though, returning to sit on blocks after having nice sits on my new meditation cushion. I could really feel it in my knees and shins, and it makes such a difference when you have a good "seat" to do your sit. I'd say my most major distractions weren't people coming in and out of the room (although the gal next to me threw her mat down on the floor which startled me and made me jump... studio etiquette, anyone?) but the tinglyness in my shins, ankles, and toes. I felt impatience to end my sit because it was uncomfortable and mindfully tried to adjust how I was seated but it only relieved some of the pressure.

No more angry asana practice either, which was welcome. My practice went like I LOVE YOGA! *fidget fidget fidget* I LOVE YOGA! *jump around on the mat fidget fidget* I LOVE YOGA! *dance around on the mat shaking my hips* My mind was calm but my body was so damn jumpy. It was slightly annoying, and I couldn't help but to laugh.

3h00pm
bedroom, on cushion

I've been having major issues with insomnia so sits have been groggy, out of it, sloppy, slothy, and a million other creative adjectives. With that, comes the intense desire to nap whenever I close my eyes. It's so funny how I spend so much of my day coming to the present, and being mindful, and calming the mind, but as soon as the lights go out and I try to do the same so I can sleep, my brain will not shut off. It's so frustrating.

Trying to figure out what I'd like my bell of mindfulness to be, or another micropractice, and my brain just ain't havin' it right now.

10h00 am
just after getting back from the gym

Finding stillness and sitting after I get back from a hard work out is always an interesting experience, because it serves to me as a reminder that the body is never quite still. Although this month we're focusing more on mental formations and what is going on in the mind, it was cool to sit with my body for a few moments as I felt different muscles throb, pulse, quiver, and find their way to relaxation. I was also quite aware of all the tension I was carrying between my shoulders and felt like I wasn't able to relax enough to ease the tension.

My mind ticked off lists of things I need to do, and I felt stress come into my body as I noticed my heart beating a little louder. I kind of laughed, because it was funny how rapid thoughts had such an impact on my physical body! Its like stress is my automatic reaction as soon as my mind tells me I have to do this and this and this and this and this today. Two days off from teaching, but I still have 8-10 hours of rehearsals as I have a show on Saturday, and my brain was just not having relaxation and quiet!

Impatience as I checked my cell phone 10 minutes before I was to end my sit. I actually ended bouncing up with five minutes to go so I could jump in the shower to "start my day".

Also debating on what I meant by "mindful tea making practice". My mom was right when she used to tell me a watched pot never boils, and waiting for my tea kettle to start making noise has been a hard practice, as often times I'm left to stare at it for 5-10 minutes waiting for water to boil. I'll have to reconsider that mindful practice.

10h00 am

So groggy and spacey, as I just woke up. Because of this though, I felt I was able to "drop" into a calm, relaxed mind quicker than usual. At some points during the sit this morning I felt resentful, as I had to teach today while everyone else was at the Noah Levine workshop. And by "everyone else" I knew it was just a few other fellow teachers and friends and my brain was causing me suffering by blowing things out of proportion. It was pretty cool to be able to call myself out on my own shit!

I guess that was the pivotal moment of today's sit.

25 minutes
in my bedroom, on my new meditation cushion

I finally have my new cushion, which made sitting today fun (yay test drive!) and something I was looking forward to. Kind of reluctant to add another five minutes.

I feel as though the wordier these exercises get, the farther away I get from calming and quieting the mind and more paranoia I develop from "Am I doing it right?" syndrome. I feel like they kind of take away the experience of sitting in itself.

Despite new exercises nothing really came up for me today. It was like I was just there. Impatience at the 20 minute mark, when I checked the time to see how much longer I had left. Added another micropractice, which are all now located at the top right hand corner of this blog.

Thrid month project - asana and meditation through the second foundation of mindfulness

I feel like I'm having a hard time doing my third month project. I guess it's because I felt like I struggled so much through the first three weeks that I don't really "get it". This is my own perfectionistic attitude sinking in, I think, and the stories I create that I'm this girl who is studying the foundations of mindfulness and therefore I should be able to teach them because I practice most days per week and therefore should be able to understand these teachings well. I don't really even like to think about it because I feel myself getting agitated. Like, is someone were to say to me: Karina, tell me what the second foundation of mindfulness is about! My only response would be: seeing feelings as they are so that we can bring joy and happiness to our life. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Maybe it's all really nothing.

But if it's nothing then why bother studying it?

I'm guessing that is where I'm struggling with everything.

Anyway. Project 3.
***

Begin your practice in a comfortable seated position, with the back straight or supported. Follow your breath, as it moves in and out of the body. Quiet the mind. Notice any thoughts that might be coming into the mind. Start to think of something you experience in your life that brings you joy. As we breathe in, start to feel the joy permeate the body. Maybe you notice that your lips are turned up slightly. Maybe you notice a bit of energy at heart centre, or feel a swelling in the heart. It's easy to get caught up in this joy as it permeates the body. Notice if your mind starts to get swept away by joy. As joy comes into the mind and body, notice how the body starts to calm. Notice if there are any other feelings in the mind of the body - are the pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral? How are you reacting to these pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral feelings? Try not to hold on to these feelings you experience, just accept them for what they are. As the bell sounds, draw your awareness to the sound as you open up your eyes. Bring your palms into prayer, and bow.

Make your way into table top pose. Knees below the hips, shoulders below the wrists. Spread all of your fingers out on your mat, curl the toes under, and press back into downward dog. You can pedel your feel back and forth a few times, waking the body up after your sit. Relax the calves and press the heels towards the floor and try to lose any tension you might still be holding in the lower parts of the legs. If you can't press your heels all the way towards the floor, that is quite alright. Notice if any feelings or thought come up on what you feel this pose "should" look like. Press into the thumb and index fingers and draw the shoulder blades back onto the spine so the heart is melting towards the feet. Again, draw awareness to any feelings or sensations coming into the mind, or the body. Try to let go of having to do the perfect Yoga Journal cover pose and know that the downward dog you are doing is your best downward dog for today.

Draw the gaze in between your palms, bend the knees, and hop or jump forward to the top part of the mat, bringing your feet between your hands. Bends the knees if you like, so the belly is resting on top of the thighs, providing support to the lower back. You can let the arms dangle, swaying from side to side like elephant trunks, or you can grab opposite elbows, gently swaying back and forth. Relax your head and your neck towards the floor - no creases or tension in the neck! Notice feelings in the mind - are you feeling relief to be out of downward dog? Is the feeling of relief being replaced by anticipating when we're going to come back to standing in mountain pose as the blood pools into our head? Observe any grasping, aversion, relief, or anticipation as we hang out here in a passive forward bend.

Press into your big toe mounds, bend the knees, and slowly roll your way back up to standing, stacking the vertebrae on top of each other. Really try to feel the entire length of your spine as you come to stand in mountain pose. Bring the ears in line with your shoulders. Step the right foot back about four feet, and turn the foot so that the arch is in line with the front foot's heel. Turns the torso towards the right. Heel-toe the back foot out even more, so that the front thigh is parallel to the floor, and the knee is just over the ankle. Press into the back leg, making sure the weight of the body is evenly distributed between the two feet. Bring your arms up like you're reaching for opposite sides of the room; arms are parallel to the floor. Turning your head towards the left hand will allow for a stretch through the side of the neck. Notice what comes into the mind as we continue to deeply breathe in this posture. You might want to release it. Your mind might become irritated because I keep talking, and all you want me to say is tell you to release the pose. Notice where you're holding tension in the body, or if any parts are tingling. Stay with those feelings. Release the arms, and again, draw awareness to sensations or feelings of relief as we release this pose by heel-toeing the right foot back in towards the left, stepping the feet together. Repeat on the other side.

Come to lie on your back, feet hip with apart, shoulder blades rolled under the back body, eyes closed. Notice any relief or aversion to being in corpse pose. Some of us may appreciate to relief, and some of us may feel the need wiggle and fidget. Draw your awareness to wherever you feel your breath and breathe here, for awhile. Bring your attention to your skin, and start to feel the skin softening and relaxing into a state of calm. As we breathe, feel the calm soak into just below the skin's surface, calmness permeating the muscles, tissues, and internal organs. Allow this calmness to sink into the bones, feeling them soften, and relax. Stay here as long as you wish, observing thoughts or feelings as they pass through the mind. Namaste.

8h00 am
on my couch, back supported

I can breathe through both nostrils so yaaaay. Nothing really came up during my sit. I'm kind of anticipating starting a new teaching endeavor with New Leaf this week, so feelings of nervousness, feelings of how the hell do I teach these kids, sequencing, etc kept popping into my mind. I'm probably blowing things out of proportion and making a big deal out of nothing. I'll probably get there Wednesday and everything will be fine. I keep putting unnecessary pressure on myself, which is a bit of a habit of mine. So, that's been filling my sits.

Mindful netti potting has been an experience too. Usually when I netti I keep thinking about the day ahead and all the stuff I need to do. I still catch myself doing that. It's interesting drawing attention to the actual experience though. Sometimes it feels great, sometimes there's a lot of pressure in my sinuses, sometimes I put in too much salt, and sometimes the water is too hot. I don't think I've been really awake to the actual experience of netti-ing since I've started the practice back in April.

I also feel like I'm moving farther and farther away from my regular friends. Or I should say, friends who don't share an asana or a sitting practice like I do. I receive drunk text messages, instant messages telling me how high they are, etc and I roll my eyes. Not that I've stopped drinking all together, but I just don't think that's all there is to life. I'd honestly rather spend my Friday evening at a kirtan or a workshop or just hanging out at one of the studios I teach at than at a bar getting ploughed. I've started to notice how some of my friends make such a huge deal out of shit that doesn't matter. I also read through journals of mine and notice how I often have done the same. And probably will continue to do the same, though hopefully not as much! I also find myself too timid to draw their awareness to the root of their complaining. I guess I feel scared I'll be shot down in trying to help. And because they're friends, and not a client, I know I'm less likely to be compassionate with the way I word things and will more than likely be pretty blunt in anything I have to say. It's so funny and so human how we can be so kind to a complete stranger and with our own loved ones so short and impatient.

I didn't sit today because I'm too sick and keep dozing off but I keep forgetting to write that my micro practice this week is netti-ing.

6h30 pm
standing against a wall, siiiiiiiiiick

I've decided there is just no good way to breathe when the nose is stuffy. However, my lovely snot tends to drain when I stand, so today was all about standing meditation.

I would definitely say the feeling tone was pretty unpleasant. Even though I can breathe better, I feel like standing takes up too much energy, which I really don't have right now. Before I knew it, I felt anger and frustration arise. I think if this practice has taught me anything, is that, as much as I like to think I'm so much calmer and serene and shit, I still have some pretty deep rooted anger issues (and self worth, but that's a different journal entry). It's pretty humbling. I really don't understand why I get so pissed at stupid shit, like being sick or a runny nose or an uncomfortable posture. Yet a significant other can use me and walk all over me and I do nothing about it and don't get angry because I love them. Hmm. Maybe that ties into self worth after all.

Anyway, yes. Today I decided to just let the anger come up and I actually resisted the urge to return to my couch, because I knew that if I sat down, my nose would run, I'd breathe through my mouth, and I'd still feel uncomfortable. I also knew that I wouldn't be in this state forever, and knowing that helped me quiet my mind and allowed me to relax a little. My cat kept running between my feet and meowing, offering a lot of distractions. However, he was rubbing up on my calves, which made me feel really happy since he's so damn cute, and that brought a more pleasant feeling to my practice.

Also, if anyone would like to be really awake, please take DayQuil. I have no idea what's in that shit, but I promise you it makes you so present you feel like you're having an out of body experience and can observe every single thing that your head cold is putting you through. I swear to god I thought I was going to go crazy this morning. I had never been so present with the mucous in my head.

8h00 am
on my couch, siiiiiiiiick

I have a crappy cold right now. I've been trying to fight it off since last week but I think last night my body called it quits, as I was unable to relax enough to fall asleep the night before and only ended up having about three hours of sleep.

It's so hard to breathe through your mouth when you're tying to calm the mind and relax it and quiet it. They're not kidding when they say mouth breathing induces flight or fight hormones! Instead of finding calm, my heart rate sped up, my brain was going a mile a minute, and I was finding myself extremely frustrated as lately, alllll I want is peace and quiet. I got up after ten minutes because my nose kept draining into my throat and I kept choking and blaaaaaaaaaah tomorrow will be better.

8h10ish am
on the subway

My ipod died the second I walked into the subway today to go teach. Great. Somehow I found a seat, closed my eyes, and decided to sit, since the opportunity presented itself and in all honesty, I knew I wouldn't get to it today unless I did it right then and there.

It's always so much more challenging to drop "down" into that state of mind when there are so many things going on around you to distract you. I totally felt the guy sitting across from me staring at me, which made me feel really uncomfortable. I dropped my head a little towards my chest to make it look like I was sleeping. Obviously, I am still having issues with allowing people to see that I'm meditating on the subway. Even though people sit there picking their nose, cutting their nails, doing their makeup, scraping dead skin off their arms, etc, for whatever reason, I feel uncomfortable with allowing other people to see that I'm trying to stay present and find stillness.

Not listening to music allowed me to listen to people talking on the subway. A group of giggly high school girls got on the subway and started talking about the latest and greatest at these expensive designer clothes stores. I felt anger arise (unpleasant feeling tone!) because there is so much more to life than designer clothes, there is no reason to broadcast to the entire subway car so loudly how daddy gives you his credit card so you can buy shit and look cool, and talking shit about the fashion sense of classmates that are not with you that, in your opinions, look "retarded".

Then I remember the designer purses I have in dust bags in my closet, and how one of my favourite TV shows is "Gossip Girl" and decided that I wasn't really that different from those girls. The unpleasant feelings I was experience were also probably deeply rooted frustrations I've had with myself over the same thing - affording designer clothes, wearing the latest and greatest, shit talking about people to compensate for my own shortcomings. I'm happy that I'm past that (mostly), and that I've grown up and realized that there is more to life than that. I hope those girls realize that one day too. I think that might be compassion developing?

After that realization, I tuned them out. Every time the subway chimes rang I took three deep breaths to allow my wandering brain to come right back to the present. It still felt like it took forever for the subway train to get to my stop though, just like it did a few weeks back as well. Trying to let go of impatience.

2h00pm
on my couch, back supported.

Even though I do not have anything going on for the rest of today, I felt resistance to sitting. Which is stupid, considering I had nowhere else to be, its 2 pm, I'm already in my PJs, and my day, as far as I'm concerned, is done (blissful, blissful days when I only have to teach two classes). Perhaps I just wanted to do more of nothing instead of exploring my mind and how scary it can sometimes be? haha.

So resisting in and of itself leads to unpleasant feelings arising during the first couple moments of my sit. Because I felt my mind was busy, and I was kind of starting to get impatient already, I did concentration exercises for the first couple of minutes. I think my frustration arises because I feel like my brain won't stop some days... when I know, full well, that that is just the nature of the mind. And it happens to everyone. And becoming frustrated leads to more unpleasant feelings and creates more internal chaos. I know this is probably the sixth time I've written those sentences out, but I feel as if I need to keep drawing awareness to this so eventually I can just kind of "get it" and let it go. I think it's the indigo child in me - things should be this way, should be that way, blah blah blah.

I also noticed myself drifting in and out of presence today. Like I would be observing what's going on, then it's like I'd black out? And then remember that I am supposed to be sitting and observing, and not hanging out in lala land. It's true.

My ego is also going to pat itself on the back right now for not looking at my clock once. :)

6h30 am
on my couch, back supported

So cold this morning. So hard to get out of bed and onto my couch. Wrapped a few blankets around me to stop shivering. It's semi hilarious when you're trying to find stillness, your teeth are chattering like woodpeckers, and your body is kind of jerking around like you're going to have a seizure. Thought about whether these feelings were pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. I decided on neutral, as it wasn't making me joyful, but it wasn't making me upset either. Coldness was just there. Once I warmed up and stopped shivering (it felt like forever, but I'm sure it was only a few minutes) I would say it was quite a pleasant feeling. Noticed myself grasping for this warmth to remain, and felt resistance to ending my sit (because wonders never cease) so I could avoid the cold again.

I wasn't sleepy this morning, so it was easy to be alert and aware and notice things come up. My mind was pretty calm this morning. Slight irritation because my cat kept talking and trying to get my attention so I could let him into the solarium (which I won't because it's too drafty and I don't want the cold air in my house). Irritation was definitely unpleasant.

Impatience in the last few seconds of my sit, despite earlier resistance to ending it. I opened up my eyes to go look at my alarm and it went off in my hand. Figures.

8h30 am
on couch, back supported

So I lied about re-starting yesterday. Sorry.

It's becoming increasingly more difficult to find time to do any sort of formal practice. I really need to focus on my asana practice right now so I've been paying more attention to that, enganging in mindful walking meditation every time I leave my house.

My mind was ginormously busy this morning during my sit. I had just finished a hard workout and it was cool to notice how my muscles throbbed and I could almost feel the blood pooling into them, helping to repair and heal them. I guess if we're going to be disecting our practice it was almost a pleasant tone? Some people might not like the throbbing or slight soreness they experience after a work out, but I LOVE that and it was cool to draw my focus to that today.

Added sirens to my bell of mindfulness. So now we have text messages and sirens.

In micro practicing I'm eating mindfully, teeth brushing mindfully, washing dishes mindfully... let's go with preparing food mindfully this week.