6h30 pm
standing against a wall, siiiiiiiiiick

I've decided there is just no good way to breathe when the nose is stuffy. However, my lovely snot tends to drain when I stand, so today was all about standing meditation.

I would definitely say the feeling tone was pretty unpleasant. Even though I can breathe better, I feel like standing takes up too much energy, which I really don't have right now. Before I knew it, I felt anger and frustration arise. I think if this practice has taught me anything, is that, as much as I like to think I'm so much calmer and serene and shit, I still have some pretty deep rooted anger issues (and self worth, but that's a different journal entry). It's pretty humbling. I really don't understand why I get so pissed at stupid shit, like being sick or a runny nose or an uncomfortable posture. Yet a significant other can use me and walk all over me and I do nothing about it and don't get angry because I love them. Hmm. Maybe that ties into self worth after all.

Anyway, yes. Today I decided to just let the anger come up and I actually resisted the urge to return to my couch, because I knew that if I sat down, my nose would run, I'd breathe through my mouth, and I'd still feel uncomfortable. I also knew that I wouldn't be in this state forever, and knowing that helped me quiet my mind and allowed me to relax a little. My cat kept running between my feet and meowing, offering a lot of distractions. However, he was rubbing up on my calves, which made me feel really happy since he's so damn cute, and that brought a more pleasant feeling to my practice.

Also, if anyone would like to be really awake, please take DayQuil. I have no idea what's in that shit, but I promise you it makes you so present you feel like you're having an out of body experience and can observe every single thing that your head cold is putting you through. I swear to god I thought I was going to go crazy this morning. I had never been so present with the mucous in my head.