7h30am
Tracy's Apartment
I sit down and realize that I'm leaving Ottawa in a few hours. My sits have been so awful this week that it feels like I haven't even really been sitting. But I guess in a way, I'm being forced to deal with my shit, instead of swallowing it and being strong, as I tend to do. There isn't anything wrong with being a strong woman, but I need to learn that really, there isn't anything wrong with being openly vulnerable. I do not mind when other people are openly vulnerable with me - I am completely comfortable with listening to other people cry, and talk about their issues, and want to hear about it because I genuinely care... so really I should allow people to see that from me too.
My sit is a bit more peaceful than what they have become since Monday. My mind anticipates thoughts of seeing my cat again and getting to hang out with my mom. I start to scan the body, starting with my feet. I notice that they're falling asleep but I try not to pay too much attention to that or else I'll squirm, and I get all the way up to my heart, where I feel such a rush of warmth and love and peace. Tears spill out of my eyes and I have no idea as to why I'm crying or where they're coming from. It was great to just be able to sit with my tears and just feel gratitude towards everything in my life. My alarm goes off, signaling the end of my sit.
***
The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who I've been blogging with since 2001. He had mentioned to me how badly he wished I still lived in the Chicagoland area, as he is selling his car, condo, going through a messy divorce, hates his job, etc, and would love for me to teach him meditation and yoga. He's known me since I was 18 and had seen the huge transformation that took place in me the two and a half years I've been walking this path, and he feel like he could benefit from it. I recommended a few books to him but unfortunately do not know of anyone in the Chicagoland area where he could go to practice with.
Last night I was reading through old entries of a private journal I keep, back to 2006-2007 when my life fell apart. Right before I left for Hawaii to embark on my journey that's brought me to this present day, the only thing I could think about was killing myself because I just could not seem to get a grip on my life or handle anything that came my way. It was one thing after another, and I kept writing about how I didn't want to go to Hawaii, I had no idea how I could even be an affective yoga teacher when I couldn't even cultivate inner peace within myself, and how I had so many friends who were telling me to get on that plane, and how I didn't want to. I remember my mom coming into my bedroom the night before I was to leave and I couldn't stop crying and she had to pack my suitcase for me because I was frozen and couldn't move. When we got to O'Hare the next morning I cried and cried and cried and she pointed out to me that I was the only person in the airport who was crying because she was going to Hawaii. Had she not stuffed me on that airplane I honestly don't think I'd be alive today. It was such a scary time in my life and it's been pretty difficult for me to reflect on it, which, for whatever reason, I've felt the need to do recently.
And it's not like I've been sailing through these peaceful calm clear gorgeous waters since then. I haven't at all. I've probably have had more shit blow up in my face, but I have the tools to better deal with it now, more love for myself, and more clarity in my brain. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful that my "job" is something I am so passionate about. It also helped me to get my voice back and start singing again, which was something that I had convinced myself was dead to me. I'm now getting paid to sing, and perform at major venues, AND am getting paid to teach yoga. I never, ever thought that would be possible. While it was never my dream to teach yoga until recently, it was always my dream to live a life of contentment, music and freedom, which is what I have.
I am so incredibly grateful for that and I hope I can continue to help other people and share what means so much to me.
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent cuoples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.
Every time I read this I think that if I had been reflecting on that exactly a year ago this week, I wouldn't have been living the gong show that was my life from August 2008 to May 2009. Then again, because I loved him, and love is irrational, I probably would have anyway.
I think I also want to add to this training that I vow to never be so enwrapped in someone that I lose sight of who I am, lose presence in my day to day living, and cause others suffering because I am currently not present enough to think about the well being of anyone else but myself and my partner.
And that's my reflection.
3h00 pm
near the Ottawa River
I had just gotten out of the Canadian War Museum when I went to sit today. I really needed to rest my legs, as I had been walking all morning, and I was really upset by the things I saw in the museum. I don't really like war to begin with, so it was pretty stupid I actually went into the museum, period, but I didn't expect it to be so horrific. I don't see how anyone could have enjoyed it but people were so excited with the exhibits and the goings on. In the WWI exhibit, people thought the simulated trench was so incredible. I walked about six feet into it and started to feel like I was suffocating, and like I was going to die. I was assaulted by noises of bombs, planes flying overhead, dark corners with soldiers laying face down, etc,etc, and I flipped out. I couldn't walk through the whole thing and people wouldn't move the hell out of my way when I tried to back out. I feel awful but I had to literally push some people to get through them because I honestly thought I was going to die. But people thought it was the greatest thing ever.
I just thought that we, as a species, haven't come so far after all. All we've managed to do over the years is figure out more and better ways to blow each other up and hurt people. That makes me so, so, so sad.
As I closed my eyes and started a concentration exercise, I felt tears pour down my face. I became aware of the feeling of my sinuses clogging up, my heart rate getting a little fast, and the overwhelming sense of sadness that washed over me. I felt compassion and gratitude for all of the soldiers who had fought and died and were wounded, shell shocked, etc but I felt so much disgust and anger for humanity in general as we simply cannot seem to get along. I tried to open up my eyes and focus on what good we have brought into the world, but it was so hard. I just felt so sad. And so angry. I don't understand why people can't just wake the fuck up.
It was different to sit with such intense emotions. Sometimes I get irritated and impatient with my sits, but I've never felt so much over a 30 minute period. I was hoping to feel better when I got up, but do not. I still feel off.
9h30 am
Tracy's apartment
I a very resistant to sitting this morning. Instead of setting my alarm for 20 minutes, I set it for fifteen because I feel like being a rebel. Realize that I'm not really rebelling against anything but my own mind. Feel pretty dumb, and laugh at myself.
I think I'm having so much trouble sitting with my body and observing parts of it because for so long (and still sometimes) I had such a dysfunctional relationship with it. From an eating disorder that started in seventh grade and lasted through most of my first year of university (that still rears its ugly head sometimes), to all the things I've put it through - the drugs I've taken (I think back to my university years and when I was living in Germany and wonder how the hell I never died), the nights of binge drinking with friends (followed by a hair of the dog the next morning, of course!) and just thinking about the extreme disconnect I seem to have with it. I talk in my yoga classes about honouring our body and really listening to what it is trying to tell us. I'm getting a lot better at it now but some days I feel more hypocritical than others.
I go back to my breath, back to my concentration exercises why my mind decides to have a mini rave. I feel my heart rate start to accelerate, almost like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I can't get enough air. I open my eyes and notice my heart rate start to calm down. Five minutes before my alarm goes off I say fuck it and decide to stop. Tomorrow will hopefully be better.
I'm pretty pissed.
6h30 pm
Tracy's apartment
I'm having a really hard time keeping my mind quiet during my sits this week. I keep anticipating going back to Toronto. I miss Phoenix so much. I always think about him during my sits. I'm not as aware of my body during my sits as I should be.
However, last night an interesting thing happened. I am pretty sure I now have something that was close to a second or third degree burn on my arm. So I guess, in keeping with the theme of awareness of the body this week, I can watch my skin heal itself? Haha. I don't know what happened. I was reaching into the oven to take out the spinach lasagna I had made for dinner when the top of my forearm touched the top of the oven. It was a pretty big area that got burned! At the time I was on glass of wine number 2 do I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to shock the skin and put cold water on it so I grabbed a paper towel and put warm/hot water on it instead (I don't know if this is a homeopathic remedy or not, but in my mind, this made more sense). Strangely, there was no stinging. I ate dinner and watched an episode of True Blood (so not eating mindfully, and more engrossed in my television show) and then looked down at the burn mark on my arm. It wasn't blistering, but the skin had gone from pink to greenish gray! I touched it and it FELL OFF! And underneath there was this bleach white, like BLEACH white new skin! WOAH. The hair follicles were still where the burn was, new hair growing in already even though I shaved my arms two days ago.
So over the evening I watched the burn puss, more skin around it flake off, and about a half an inch around the burn swelled up and turned bright red to fight or prevent infection. I washed it once, and then watched the healing process begin again. It was pretty fascinating. This morning when I woke up it had kind of scabbed over, the bleach white skin was now a crunchy yellow, the red still around it and still swollen. I look forward to observing the healing process.
And Dr. Bronner's is so not mild when applied to new skin. No no no.
New week. New exercises. New Mindfulness trainings. Awareness of parts of body and how body is connected to the universe. Awareness of sexual responsibility and the suffering caused by sexual misconduct. Oh boy, will I ever had a lot to reflect on that. However, it might belong in a private email to FJB, as I don't think I am ready to post such personal things on a public blog for the world to see and possibly judge.
My mind was busy in my sit. It's always like that when I start new exercises. The only body part I could really draw awareness to was my head, as it was pounding, as usual (too much time being spend in the hot room?!). I was able to pinpoint the exact location of my headache though, in the centre frontal lobe right between my eyes. Sometimes is would migrate back to the parietal lobe but it would stay mostly on the left side, throb a bit, and work its way back to frontal lobe, right near where my third eye is. My mind started to drift back to when I busted a chakra because I got so pissed off and wondered if I was going to do that again. I noticed I wasn't really pissed off at anything. Currently irritated, but not pissed.
Noticed feelings of homesickness come up. Longing for home and my cat. Longing and attachment to hear a certain someone's voice. Just noticing these things as they came up and sat with them. My mind didn't race to think about the future, how I get to see my cat in a week, how I get to see my mom in a week, how I can call Michael in a week when I get back to Toronto. Trying really hard to stay present.
I tried to think about body and universe, but I don't think I'm there yet. I'll try again in a couple of days. When we get into stuff like that that's when I get really scared, as it makes me feel so small and insignificant. If everything really is nothing, then why bother doing anything? If I'm not my mother's daughter, my cat's owner (or really, owned by my cat), and basically every other label that I give myself/that has been assigned to me, then why do I bother learning any of this?
djsaldjsalk soon!
When Frank posts these jewels to our message board, I start to think that I'm in way over my head in this Buddhism and Dharma teaching. I fee like I need to pick up Buddhism for Dummies or an Idiots Guide to Dharma to begin to understand. I want to attempt to use this space to answer the questions he has put forth for us to contemplate. I realize there are no right or wrong answers, but isn't it a possibility that I could really miss the mark?
Dharma is one of the most used words in Buddhist-Yoga teachings, and is
instrumental in Hindu-Yoga (Dharma is the basic theme for both of its
epics, The Ramayama and The Mahabharata, which includes The
Bhagavad-Gita within it). Within Buddhist teachings it can mean:
1. The teachings directed to awakening.
2. Law, particularly the law of dependent arising; the principle that
nothing arises without causes and conditions.
3. Duty; acknowledging and understanding the Dharma of one's life
(sva-dharma).
4. Everything; all phenomena whether material, mental or otherwise (the
'content' of the Fourth Foundation of Mindfulness) (Boccio 2009)
So, to me, I feel that Dharma is, simply, everything. I can use it as a tool for living, or a tool for understanding life and how it works. I'm particularly drawn to the law of dependent arising (every action has an equal and opposite reaction = nothing arises without causes and conditions). While I can use this as a tool in my every day life, I realize that Dharma, like anything else, is merely a concept and not meant to be the Golden Rule, or something to cling to (kind of like trying to constantly having to remind myself to not view the five mindfulness trainings as dogma).
I am not sure if there can be a difference between belief and inquiry. I'm also going to throw the word "faith" in to this mix. To me, in order to believe in something, I think you have to have faith in its existence. Miracle on 34th Street taught me that faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to. I have proved this to myself time and time again in my romantic relationships. But even though those relationships waned, I still have faith and believe in love, even though common sense tells me it's pointless (or maybe that's just bitterness in disguise). In order to become stronger in what I believe in, I question it. I've always done this - much to the disappointment to my Catholic school teachers. But even when I was a child, I always thought that if you were able to question something, deconstruct it, and really think about it, it could make your faith even stronger and solidified. While I no longer consider myself Catholic, my faith in God and a higher power is solid and I believe it was the constant questions I asked myself and the praying I have done throughout my life that have allowed me to remain solid in my belief in a higher power.
I think that Dependent Arising is an important term to understand. My understanding of it relates to what I mentioned earlier: actions have equal and opposite reactions/everything that happens is based on the result on what has previously happened, and will effect what happens in the future. The whole butterfly effect (one farts in the east an a hurricane is created in the west, or something like that). As an aside, The Butterfly Effect was, and still is one of my most favourite movies today! But I think of how my life has been and think of everything that brought me to this present moment, sitting in an apartment in the Corso D'Italia in Ottawa, typing on my laptop. Had my friend Meghan not convinced me to sign up for a random online blogging site... had some random dude not decided to leave random comments in my livejournal then I never would have met him, saw his hot friend Josh on his friends list and started talking to him... had I gone to Western Illinois University instead of moving to Chicago to go to DePaul I probably wouldn't have had the freedom to buy plane tickets to Toronto since I'd have still been living under my mom's roof and she wouldn't have allowed it, then I would have never gone to Canada, then decided to randomly move there, etc, etc, etc, etc. Thinking about stuff like that makes me feel so small.
Bringing it into the context of my present day life, I can know that whatever I do, say, think, or feel can potentially have an impact on other people. I know that there is a ripple effect from the smallest things I do, like throwing out something that can easily be reused or recycled or giving a dirty look to someone who is in my way, or smiling at a random stranger and being super friendly to the person who is driving the bus I am on. It's crazy! Knowing this allows me to be more mindful of my actions, thoughts, and words, and how I live my life (which I try to, every day, based on the principles of ahimsa, or non-harming). I also think that it is important, even though I try live my life this way and have a basic understanding of Dharma, that I do not act preachy or holier than thou in how I chose to live, as that can be just as much of a turn off as someone who is angry, bitter, and resentful!
2h00 pm @ the apartment
Draw awareness into the belly on the first inhale. Feeling tired with a bit of a headache. Not feeling particularly present. Sometimes I remember to focus on my breath. Sometimes I don't really focus on anything - it's all one big void.
Ripple the awareness from the belly into the chest and pelvis. Ripple more to the thighs and neck and upper back. Straighten out posture. Ripple more to the head and the shins, feet, toes, ankles. Notice the carpeting beneath the tops of my feet. Feeling the snapping, crackling, popping, and gentle pulsing through my calves, soles of the feet, little bit of tingling in the toes. Feel really bored with sitting. Don't feel alert. Wish the headache would go away. I think about how I'll walk down and get coffee after I'm done sitting as I didn't bring any Advil with me to Ottawa.
Phone vibrates what feels like two minutes later. I open my eyes and feel like I have no idea what happened the past twenty minutes. It's a really weird feeling.
Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I vow to cultivate loving kindness and learn ways to work for the well-being of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I vow to practice generosity by sharing my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will prevent others from profiting from human suffering of other species on Earth.
This training brought me back to all the years I was studying to be a social worker, back to all our class discussions, debates, fights (yup) about exploitation, injustice, oppression (my university's stance on social work was anti-oppression... I know this term quite well). I like how we throw animals, plants, and minerals into the mix. Social work just mainly focused on people. I found that limiting. Anyway.
I have always felt that I am 100% responsible for things that I know but chose not to do anything about. I do not like contributing to mass consumerism. I do, as I live in a capitalistic society and we buy what we need (and sometimes what we want). That being said, I totally think sometimes how my life would be better if I had a better MacBook, a car (this is the most often. I lament selling my car more than anything in the world. Apparently my life was easier when I had a vehicle.), if I was thinner so I could shop and buy cute clothes at such and such store... the height of me buying into this mass consumer thingie was 2005-2007 when I was obsessed with makeup and every time MAC cosmetics released a new collection, I'd go out and buy it all. Now, most of that makeup sits in my bathroom (which resembles a MAC store) collecting dust, as I have no time to wear it, and well, wearing makeup and teaching hot yoga really isn't the best idea anyway.
There's even more in the cabinet off to the right and the cabinet under the sink. If anything, it will pay my rent one day should I need it. I think I justified all of this since MAC doesn't test their products on animals.
Anyway - like I was saying. 100% responsible for the things I know and don't do anything about. Last year I stopped drinking coffee from Tim Horton's when I found out how it was not fair traded and how awful they treat their growers. I emailed Tim Horton's telling them of my disappointment in their company. I got back a short emailing saying they are aware of how they treat their growers, but they make up for this by putting out their little change donation things in their stores to donate to children's camps and programs. Please note: these programs benefit kids living in Canada, not the children of the growers who are being maltreated. Nice.
I try to only buy what I need. I do not buy mass quantities of stuff. I tend to wear my clothing until it's threadbare - same with my purses and backpacks. I feel in a way this prevents me from contributing to human suffering since I am not buying into clothes that have come from child labour/try to stick to clothes made in the US and Canada (reducing the carbon footprint), etc. When I shop for groceries, I try to buy local, in season produce, grains, etc.
Cultivating loving kindness is a tougher one. Actions are great but to really feel something in your heart takes a lot of work! I have days where I am in love with the world, where I feel like I've just made out with the Dalai Lama, and if someone were to come up to me and take my purse, I'd gladly give it to him and probably give him a hug as well. Then I have days where all I want to do is dropkick the person who cuts me off on the sidewalk (note: when I drove, I had sever road rage. To the point where I had chest pains. Perhaps selling my car was a good thing after all), and God help that person who were to try to take my purse - he'd probably get kicked in the teeth!
While I don't think someone should really hug the person who steals their purse, it would take a lot for me to come to reasons as to why my purse was stolen. Because this hasn't happened to me (knock on wood/touch red) I can objectively look at why this crime would be committed. This would happen because our society is made up of have and have nots. I would have, and this particular person would have not. Perhaps they needed money for food. Perhaps they knew they'd be able to sell my favourite Coach purse on ebay for a lot of money. Perhaps they needed money for food so they could make sure their little ones at home would get something to eat. Or their dog. But in the heat of the moment, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be thinking any of those things. I would probably be alternating between sheer panic, rage, and relief nothing worse had happened to me!
During my social work degree, I spent a lot of time, energy and resources with people who needed them. There is so much more underneath the exterior of people who are in need of social services or are living on the street. Each person I met had a different story, and each story would break my heart. It is not just black and white. So many events had to happen for them to get to their current state of mind and living situation. So many were victims of circumstances, and I often wondered had their lives had been different, like had they been born and raised in a middle class family, or had been awarded a scholarship to go away to school, or had a teacher taken interest in them and had acted as a mentor, if they would be in the same situation that they had been in now. The mom who had her kids taken away from her might not have had the social supports in place to be a good mom. The man on the street who smells awful might not be able to get to a shower, because he has a mental disorder and simply cannot find his way to a day shelter. The woman yelling at you on the street because you can't spare any change might not just be being mean to you, she might have schizophrenia. It is so easy for us to judge these people, when all we see is what is on the surface. It was a huge wake up call for me, and I am really happy for the experiences I was given through my internships in child and family services, and with our Aboriginal population.
I hope that I can continue to try to be more compassionate towards others, especially myself and my family and friends, who sometimes unfairly get the brunt of my frustrations. I really need to ax that.
I rented a bike after exploring Parliament Hill this morning and headed over across the river for a mindful bike ride through Quebec. It was raining but that was ok.
Sat by the river for 20 minutes. Noticed how I was paying more attention to the sounds of the water than I was to my breath. Redirected my focus. Felt the hard, cold rocks I was sitting on, and felt myself slouching slightly. Felt myself grow paranoid that someone would take my backpack, so I mindfully moved so that I was sitting on it.
Sat at a cafe, drank a glass of wine, mindfully ate poutine (broke silence to order both. shit). Read a book, wrote a letter. Biked some more, went back to Ottawa, went back to apartment. Did laundry, emptied dishwasher, caught up on emails. Enjoyed life. Received a text from a special someone which sent me over the moon, which helped me realize I'm quite attached to this particular person. Reminded self gently to keep the don't know mind. Sat on the couch to breathe my way through a headache/backache. Still debating if I go to asana practice tonight. Will probably work on mindfulness project instead. My headache isn't getting any better >.<
9h30 am
Tracy's apartment
I really like my new seated position. It's harder on my legs, but it's nothing compared to the pain I get in my lumbar spine from sitting in half lotus.
I sit tall, kneeling on the cushion. Read about cultivating loving kindness for the well being of people, animals, plants and minerals. Draw awareness to the pressure I am feeling on the shins, ankles, and tops of my feet. Start to imagine the muscles, tendons, and connective tissue in my legs stretching out and wonder if I'll ever be able to sit my bum all the way down on the floor.
Realize my bum is sticking way out. Give the tailbone a little tuck. Lower back sways slightly out again. Sigh, and wonder when I'll be able to get in for an MRI so I can perhaps schedule surgery so I'm not in pain 60-70% of the day anymore. Decide to be thankful, instead, that it's not as bad as it has been in the past. Draw attention back to breath. Notice the pulse and the crinkling I feel in the feet and ankles. It's like my feet just swallowed Pop Rocks and Rice Krispies. Roll the shoulder blades back as I notice that I'm starting to assume Slumpasana. Contemplate breast reduction. Go back to breath. Felt breakfast (or perhaps dinner last night) move through stomach and through intestines. Weird sensation, as I have never been so attuned to noticing that before.
Notice heart rate start to increase and wondering if I am going to have a panic attack. I consciously make longer exhales. It calms down. Notice a bit of a headache coming on. Make a mental note to stick some emergen-c in my water before I head back to the studio to teach. Feet and ankles are still *snap*crackle*popping*. Note that today was more about awareness of body sensations than bringing joy into the mind. Felt really tired.
Also noted that I really need to get a good meditation cushion. Tracy's is superb. After sitting, even in lotus, pain is at a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. On the cushion I use at home, pain is at a 7, and it doesn't allow me to kneel. That said, back in Toronto, most of my sits happen on my couch.
Alarm goes off. I slowly move into a downward facing dog. Feel the blood deliciously run back into the lower extremities and notice the tingling, crackling sensation through them. I walk it out slowly, bringing flexibility back in to my ankles and toe joints. Attachment to the warm feeling I get after I leave the new sitting posture. I think I'm addicted to coming out of it and feeling everything move back into the feet.
I didn't get to my cushion today. I did, however, do walking meditation in the sweltering heat and humidity around Rideau Falls and the Ottawa River. I was very aware of the ground beneath my feet, the sound of the cars whizzing past on the highway, how no one else was on the path with me (lol. Double meaning there, eh?) I was totally aware of my breath (even though I was walking slowly, I was panting because it was so damn hot. Mindful of the sweat dripping down my back, my legs, my neck, my face, underneath my sunglasses...
And somehow through all of this uncomfortableness, I found joy and happiness. I'm here in an awesome city. I am lucky to be doing something I love. I have three passions in life - music, yoga, and helping others. I get to do all three on a daily basis. Not too many people can say that. I realize that tomorrow during my sit or my walking meditation I might not feel the same thing, but today it was so lovely feeling so at peace and content with the world. I cried a lot during walking meditation today. I wasn't sad or anything, but it felt good to let all those crazy emotions loose anyway.
Second week of the second month. Read the second mindfulness training before each sit. Read exercises five and six - positions of the body and bodily actions to draw awareness to them in sitting and every day lives. Overview of the second four exercises. Still having issues figuring out page numbers for history and overview in my version of Breathe! and Transformation and Healing. Finally learned how to spell "exercise". Wicked.
5h00 pm
Tracy's apartment, on her cushion in her living room.
I'm sitting in a modified hips on heels version today as modified lotus just isn't doing it for me anymore. I always slouch, even if my back is supported, and I'm sick of the curve at the top of my spine growing into more of a hunch back, and sick of my feet falling asleep, and sick of my lower back not feeling nice, and sick of my hip flexors hating me for being frozen for twenty minutes at a time. So, kneeling it is. There's a term for this position, which I have forgotten.
I'm very aware of my new seated posture. My back feels straighter and breath seems to go in and out easier. I sit with a half smile on my lips, as this week I am cultivating feelings of joy and happiness. I am also to notice mental formations and seek to calm them.
Drawing awareness to the belly as I breathe in and out, notice long and short breaths, breathe calm in towards myself, finding joy in this sit. I feel a big of a swelling in my heart and my small smile grows a little bit wider as I become more calm. I tuck my tailbone a little bit so my lower back doesn't have so much pressure on it. Some impatience arises as I check my cell phone for the time, even though I know I remembered to set the timer on it to go off at 20 minutes. The rest of my sit goes smoothly and I feel a happy sensation in my belly and in my heart. I thought that was pretty cool.
I exit my new posture slowly and hold a downward dog for a few minutes while the blood slowly starts to work its way back into my knees, calves, ankles and feet. I feel a lot better in this position than I did when doing a modified half lotus. I think I'll stick with this position for the rest of the week.
During asana today I focused on joy - not hard to do as that is usually the intention I set for my personal practices.
"Keeping the don't know mind" is so pleasant.
I think I realized that today when I was walking around the part of Ottawa I'm living in for the next two weeks. I had no idea where I was, I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going, or what I was going to see, and I have to say, I enjoyed myself more those few hours than I have recently in going for walks in Toronto. I wasn't expecting anything, I wasn't looking for anything, I was just totally there in the present moment, looking and observing.
So cool.
I have been so shitty with my sits this week. I really, truly, wish I could add an extra hour to the day.
Walking meditation through the Canal Promenade was great. I mindfully stopped to take pictures of the flowers in the beautiful gardens.
8:00 pm
Empty Moksha studio in Ottawa
I sit with my back supported against the back of a couch. I close my eyes, and immediately notice a bit of a panicy feeling arising. Even though the door is locked, I am here alone, for the night, and the studio is dark and its new and unfamiliar and I've had quite a long day.
I practice du-sa-ni-ma to bring concentration to the mind. I feel my heart rate soften and breathing comes a bit easier. I notice long and short breaths, thoughts coming in and out of the mind. Resist the urge to check for a fourth time if the door is properly locked. Tell myself I'm being silly thinking I could have somehow unlocked it when I jiggled it last time. Contemplate if I have OCD, and rack my brain to remember what exactly the signs and symptoms were in my DSM-TR-IV.
du-sa-ni-ma
Right.
Short breaths give way to long breaths. Long pauses between breaths. Mind seems to expand, body becomes calm, mind becomes calm. My phone alarm vibrates underneath my hand, letting me know I'm finished, but I sit for awhile longer, noticing attachment rising to the calmness this sit is bringing me. Ten minutes later I open my eyes and take in a deep breath.
Then I check the door. One more time.
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to cultivating compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.
I noticed feelings of self righteousness bubble up when I first read this training. Ah ha! I thought. I already do this because I'm a vegetarian! Oh Karina'nanda padawan, you have so much to learn. I was amused that that was the first thought that popped into my head.
It goes so much deeper than just being a vegetarian. And honestly, I don't think that any single human being can live their life in a way where they do not kill anything. The vegetables and fruit I eat were at one point living, breathing and making food for themselves through the air, sunlight, and rain. I realize the peanut butter I eat probably has bits of insects in it. I probably kill bacteria in my mouth when I brush my teeth, exfoliate the dead skin cells off my body, and when I walk on the grass, I might step on an ant and not even know it. And given the fruit fly situation in my apartment, I have swallowed just as many as I've killed, I'm sure. And yes, I do have my breaking point. Spiders and fruit flies are where I draw the line in my living space. Maybe one day I'll be able to get past that. I hope so!
So even though I might not be able to live my life in such a way that I never ever actually kill a thing, I can bring more mindful awareness to my actions. I can walk slower so as not to step on that ant. I can hang out with my friend Lee and his pet tarantula more so I can get over my severe arachnophobia. Perhaps I can learn to make my own peanut butter, so I know that no insects are harmed in the process of making it. I can buy more mindfully too - spending only what is necessary, and knowing where the products I buy come from, how they were made, handled, etc.
Internally I sit every day to calm my mind. When the mind is calm, the nasty thoughts that pop up from time to time about people who have wronged me cease to come up. I hope one day I can cultivate enough compassion and love in my heart for those who have hurt me.
Externally, I find myself not saying a whole lot these days, especially when I notice feelings of anger and hatred well up in me. I let these feelings go through my breath. I don't want to feed into negative energy, spread gossip, or say hurtful things.
Being determined not to let others kill is a tough one for me to reflect on. I consider myself to be a pro-lifer (so this would be in support of not letting others kills), but I recognize why abortion in our society needs to be legal (so women's lives aren't put at risk, thus possibly leading to more killing through back alley abortions, coat hangers, etc). I feel like it's a bit of a catch-22. I also feel that if our society valued pregnancy and child-rearing more and didn't see it as merely an "inconvenience" and more of a celebration, we wouldn't really need a procedure such as that.
I'm finding it difficult to engage with the training right now, and am viewing it more as dogma. I don't know if this is my Catholic upbringing coming into play, but I am going to try to view the next four trainings more objectively during my sits.
9:00 pm
my house
Tonight I sat with my back supported by my couch. I think I'm preferring to have more back support.
Maybe because I was tired, I was able to have a calm mind and not too many thoughts came up. Sometimes my schedule for next month popped into my head. I breathed it out. Good asana practice today. Calming sit. Good day :)
2:22 pm
On a Greyhound Bus.
I set my cell phone's alarm for 20 minutes, and put it to vibrate. I close my eyes, lay my head back and wonder if this is the best idea to sit. But then I remind myself how I'm probably not going to get another chance to sit or do walking meditation today, and how I missed a sit yesterday, and decide to go through with it.
The bus is making quick starts and stops, I'm thrown and jerked around while trying to notice how my breaths come in long or short. I feel aggrevated and become annoyed with traffic, Toronto drivers, the bus driver, etc. The part of my brain that tries to be mindful tells the jerk part of my brain to STFU. I remind myself I'm working on compassion this week during my sits. OK. Karina, lets try to love the people who can't drive, and hope they get home safely. I lean further back in my seat, pull my bandana over my eyes, and bring a bit of a constriction to the back of my throat so I can better feel my breath. I feel calmer. I notice short, long, shakey breaths. I notice a few times that I'm holding my breath.
My cell phone vibrates what seems like only moments later. I double check the time, and it was indeed 20 minutes. The bus has made its way on to the Gardiner Expressway and we're headed west towards Waterloo. Nap time :)
Managed to sit for about ten minutes.
I couldn't relax. I'm really confused as to what I'm supposed to be drawing focus to this week. I feel like there is constant chatter in my brain. Labeling breaths as in/out. Long/short. Nervous/calm. Then my brain hosting a lengthy debate as to what exactly means long and what exactly means short and what they're compared to and how everything is just so subjective and then brain wanders to what I'm going to fix for dinner tonight then to what the hell Frank and I are going to talk about tomorrow night to reminding myself to ask Michael what to see and do in Ottawa since he's been there already to wondering how much weight I gained last weekend and if I'll ever stop being such a sloth to holy shit it's so damn hot in my apartment and I love my ghetto air conditioner of a box fan and a bowl of ice cubes.
Hell yeah, mindfulness.
First one to wake up in the morning and I am so happy for this time by myself this weekend.
I wander out to the dock, pull up a Muskoka chair, and rest in it, eyes open, allowing du-sa-ni-ma to filter through my mind. This current moment is probably the first moment I have felt in weeks where I haven't thought of what I needed to do, what I should be doing, what I won't get done. I was just whole, and just there, and watching the stillness of the water. Noticing a sense of longing for a loon to cry out, and a sense of disappointment knowing I won't hear the loon's call until that evening... if I even do (note from the future: we hardly spent any time outside that evening). It was easier to drop into a relaxed, calm mind today. I didn't long for my sit to be over. I did not time myself, but I am pretty sure I was there for about thirty minutes. The only thing that got me up were laughter and dishes banging around in the cottage behind me. Breakfast :)
Nothing of significance came up during sitting today. Again, it was a welcome break from my hectic life. I'm so all over the place lately I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached!
Here is my first month's assignment for my teacher training, to make this entry a little longer! We were to write about what mindfulness is and is not, and how we'd explain this to someone who has never heard of mindfulness before. Here is my attempt.
***
When I first got this assignment, I thought it would be pretty easy! Explaining mindfulness to someone who doesn’t know what mindfulness is? Easy peasy! Of course, as I sit down to write this, I draw a blank. Oh Ego, you are so funny. Even though I feel as if I have been practicing mindfulness since I did my original yoga teacher training in 2007, I have attempted to cultivate a daily practice of mindfulness and breath awareness for the past five weeks or so. And even now, I am not sure what it is! This of course, worries me a bit, as it makes me wonder what I’ve been doing for the past two years if I still can’t explain it, but I guess that this is why we write this paper.
From an academic standpoint, I have come to understand that mindfulness is a way of thinking and living one’s life based on the Anapanasati Sutra. The Anapanasati Sutra is a teaching of the Buddha’s, composed of sixteen contemplations. These contemplations concern the awareness of breathing as breath enters in and out of the body, awareness of feelings in the body, awareness of the mind and stories we make up in our brain when we want to label the feelings we become aware of, and of liberation of the mind. I understand liberating the mind as coming to terms with the concept of impermanence and being aware and awake in the present moment. Drawing awareness to and concentrating on our breath is called shamatha meditation. Becoming aware of our feelings and seeing them for what they are is vipassana – we become aware of the nature of our current reality.
But we can extend mindfulness off our mats and off our meditation cushion and into our every day lives. Throughout my journey on this path, I’ve come to realize more and more that tools like yoga and meditation aren’t just for the practice room – what we practice on our mats and zafus come in quite handy when the shit in our life hits the fan. By drawing awareness to our breath as it moves in and out of the body, we can cultivate calm and stillness within the mind. In our every day lives, we can draw awareness to our breath while we do things like walking, household chores, cooking, eating. While these tasks might take longer to do when we’re focusing on the actual task, mindfulness allows us to do just that – focus and be completely present on the task at hand. To some people, this might sound really simple, but I’ve noticed when I have truly tried to be mindfully aware and present at what I was doing, I found chores were taking forever for me do, and my impatience growing by the millisecond. Mindful awareness has definitely been a lesson in patience for me. I am someone who is used to moving close to the speed of light, and slowing down has probably been the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do!
Mindfulness is not a cure all for whatever it is that makes someone unhappy. It is not a band aid solution to every problem a person encounters in their life’s journey. Mindfulness allows us to see our thoughts and feeling for what they are and allows us to look at them objectively. Mindfulness is not labeling our sits as “good” or “bad”. It’s just noticing what comes into our minds during our sits, and once done noticing, bringing the awareness back to our breathing.
Mindfulness practice allows someone to observe all that is going on in mind and body, allowing us to see how our brain can start making up stories about what we perceive to currently be happening to us in the present moment. Through noticing these stories, thoughts and feelings, and coming to understand their impermanence (think: this too shall pass) we can begin to liberate the mind and spirit, allowing ourselves to be free from suffering.
I think I'm going to write a song for du-sa-ni-ma as it's a pretty kick ass concentration excercise. I still have no idea how to spell that word.
Nothing really significant came up during my sitting today. It was a welcome break from the chaos that's been my life the last few weeks.
My sit was all over the place today, mostly because I can't stop thinking about everything I need to get done, and how I really have no time to get it done.
That's totally a mental formation. I get that. But I feel like I'm dealing with too much of my own shit, and everyone elses' shit at the present time to feel like I have time to do anything. Some really bad stuff went down on Sunday night which I don't feel comfortable discussing publicly and its weighing on my mind and I'm having a difficult time processing it. I try to talk about it but I find it makes people uncomfortable and I guess that's what I get since I don't feel like listening to anyone else's problems right now either. My thoughts are all over the place and I feel like how I did two years ago before my teacher training began. Sucks.
Now that I am back home and in my own space, I feel a lot more comfortable and ready to sit when I need to. I don't need to worry about my mom walking in on me, etc, so I am better able to concentrate.
That being said, I still felt really pressed for time during my sit. I couldn't stop thinking about the paper I have due for this course and when I am going to find time to write it. I realize it's only 500 words which I can knock off in about two hours, but the problem is finding two hours to do it.
It will all work out, but I really do need to have it in by Friday and I'm starting to get irritated with myself that I can't be home for more than one evening to get it done. Ugh.
Last week of the first month!
This week we get to chose something we liked the most during our sitting so I went back to du-sa-ni-ma.
It was difficult for me to sit today, as I was up all night Sunday night and did not really get a chance to sleep on the plane this morning. I "sat" and breathed most of my flight though, as I tend to be a nervous flier. But every time I thought the plane would crash and my stomach was in knots I'd go back to my breath. I don't think it helped any this time though :(
I did my second day of mindfulness today as I cleaned my mom's guest bedroom/bathroom and packed to go back to Toronto. I also finished going through some more of my stuff.
I'm finding it takes a longer time to get things done when in corporating mindfulness into stuff like cleaning, eating, etc. It's been difficult for me to slow down as I am feeling really pressed for time recently.
I missed a sit today as I was at a good friend's wedding all day long (its actually four AM as I write this!) However, rest assured I had quite a mindful day as I mindfully got drunk, and not so mindfully shook my ass on the dance floor with people I hadn't seen in years!
Congrats, Scott and Anna!
xoxox
We all grew up together. The groom is to my left (he was actually my high school sweetheart!). This picture is like 20 years in the making. Crazy shit!
