freedom - forced journal

So the topic they are making us journal about today is freedom. I think this is a bit ironic, as it is not very free to make us write a journal about freedom. But, I digress.

I bitch and moan all the time about how much I hate George Bush. I bitch and moan all the time about how the American government is run. I do all this, and I am not hanged for it, nor prosecuted for it in any way. I have studied what I've wanted to study at universities in Chicago and in Toronto, when in some countries, girls can not. I've had a shitton of sex with different partners and most people have never judged me for it, nor was I stoned, or accused of commiting adultry. I guess freedom, to me, is being able to do all of these things. Or maybe all those things are just a privilege, and I am lucky to have them, because I was born in the right place, at the right time.

Beinging more freedom in to my life would enable to me to love myself. Be at peace with myself. Realize that I am not my failures. I am not my failures. Freedom would be being able to look in the mirror at myself - not sometimes, but all the time - and realize just how beautiful I am. Freedom would be being content with what I have. Freedom would be being able to see the beauty in everyone, and not make judgement calls. Finally, freedom - liberation - would be ridding myself of my negative mantras and thinking positively. This is something I work on every, single day.

The mornings have been especially hard for me since I came here. I tend to have unpleasant dreams towards morning and every morning I wake up and the only thought in my mind is Kevin. I hurry to the point so I can meditate. I never thought I'd ever look so forward to meditation - but focusing solely on inhales and exhales, or repeating "let go" with every inhalation and exhalation, quiets my mind and helps me to escape from that. Hopefully one day I'll completely be able to let go.

I've been studying mantras in my own private reading since I got here and I am coming to realize more and more that my negative thoughts tend to manifest themselves in my real life. Its almost like I am wishing them in to being and the universe is letting me have what I "want". Whenever I've been receiving negative thoughts I come back to my breath, just repeating inhale and exhale over and over again, and try to quiet my mind. This trick has helped me more than any therapist or medication ever has. It seems so. Fucking. Simple.

I've been having insanely good asana practices. I've impressed even myself. I looked in the mirror yesterday and noticed how toned my legs were getting, and got a little frustrated I didn't bring any shorts. I ordered a bunch from Old Navy today. I see the definition in my arms and chest and get all excited. However I do miss lifting and running at the gym.

I have my interview for staying here longer on Friday. We'll see how that goes.

*facepalm* *cry*

My one accomplishment of the day:

I did not step foot inside of Mac Cosmetics. I walked dangerously close to it but decided it's best I not go in, for fear of spending more money, although I'd love to fill up my blush palette and get the two Barbie Loves Mac lipsticks I am missing from the collection still.

Of course, having to buy new bras (seven bras and $290 later at Victoria's Secret) and stuff from Sephora (DDF products suck to buy without my discount *sadface*) I was feeling rather guilty for buying things for myself.

I have so much I need to buy/do for Hawaii. So, in true Karina fashion, here's a list, divided off in to what stores I need to go to and where. This will all take place tomorrow.

Shit I have
-beach towel
-water bottle
-yoga mat
-sunglasses
-flashlight (somewhere...)
-camera (might get a disposable waterproof one for swimming with the dolphins tho)
-swim suit (but might get a new one from Old Navy, as bad juju is attached to the other one)
-toiletries
-gym shoes/hiking boots
-hair dryer
-brush
-bandanas/scarves

Old Navy/Gap/Kohls/Target
-yoga shorts (ew!) and tops (have some, need to buy more)
-t shirts, tank tops
-long pants/yoga pants
-sweatshirts (I gave all mine to Kevin and feel like an idiot for asking to borrow one of my sweatshirts, lol)
-skirts, dresses, sarongs (I am skurred)
-flip flops, sandals (one more pair!)
-light weight raincoat (this might just be a sweatshirt or something - who the hell wears those now?)

Walgreens
-journal (wtf I cant journal on my ibook?)
-lined 3 hole paper
-sunscreen

Trader Joe's/Whole Foods
-citronella oil (I hope I can find this shit there!)

I have no idea what I can and can't bring on my carryon. I hope they have water and shit for purchase behind the security checkpoint. At least I can fit all my solid makeup in my carryon - the mascara, cleansers, anything else will have to go in my suitcase, and United better not fucking lose it.

***

I really havent eaten anything since Friday. I was suppossed to go out tonight to Olive Garden with Robin and Annie but my mom is forcing me to w Consequently, I am having bad dizzy spells and am sleeping a lot, and cannot stop thinking about getting a big ass double stack and a frosty from Wendy's.

We'll call it my pre-detox-tox-up. Or, something.

8 more days

I feel like I fucked things up to the point of no return.

However, the heart wants what it wants, and I hope some day you'll realize that, and realize that I could be the best thing possible for you. I'm sure you will. I didn't think I could love so freely, or care so deeply, ever again, but you showed me that was possible, and I am forever grateful to you for that. And I still do. And somewhere inside you, I know you do too. If you're scared, thats ok. I am too . You make me feel safe, you make me feel I can be myself, you make me feel I can just let go. I trust you. I feel comfortable around you. I wouldn't want it any other way. I know you'll never read this, and thats ok. It's good to finally get my thoughts coherently down. I might be delusional, but I'm pretty sure you'll come around. It's too perfect not to, and I know you've seen that.

***

This happened at the worst possible time, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think I really can do anything, besides sit and wait. And try not to worry. Good things come to those who wait right?

***

So much shit to do, and no motivation to do it. Fuck.