7h30am
Tracy's Apartment

I sit down and realize that I'm leaving Ottawa in a few hours. My sits have been so awful this week that it feels like I haven't even really been sitting. But I guess in a way, I'm being forced to deal with my shit, instead of swallowing it and being strong, as I tend to do. There isn't anything wrong with being a strong woman, but I need to learn that really, there isn't anything wrong with being openly vulnerable. I do not mind when other people are openly vulnerable with me - I am completely comfortable with listening to other people cry, and talk about their issues, and want to hear about it because I genuinely care... so really I should allow people to see that from me too.

My sit is a bit more peaceful than what they have become since Monday. My mind anticipates thoughts of seeing my cat again and getting to hang out with my mom. I start to scan the body, starting with my feet. I notice that they're falling asleep but I try not to pay too much attention to that or else I'll squirm, and I get all the way up to my heart, where I feel such a rush of warmth and love and peace. Tears spill out of my eyes and I have no idea as to why I'm crying or where they're coming from. It was great to just be able to sit with my tears and just feel gratitude towards everything in my life. My alarm goes off, signaling the end of my sit.

***

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who I've been blogging with since 2001. He had mentioned to me how badly he wished I still lived in the Chicagoland area, as he is selling his car, condo, going through a messy divorce, hates his job, etc, and would love for me to teach him meditation and yoga. He's known me since I was 18 and had seen the huge transformation that took place in me the two and a half years I've been walking this path, and he feel like he could benefit from it. I recommended a few books to him but unfortunately do not know of anyone in the Chicagoland area where he could go to practice with.

Last night I was reading through old entries of a private journal I keep, back to 2006-2007 when my life fell apart. Right before I left for Hawaii to embark on my journey that's brought me to this present day, the only thing I could think about was killing myself because I just could not seem to get a grip on my life or handle anything that came my way. It was one thing after another, and I kept writing about how I didn't want to go to Hawaii, I had no idea how I could even be an affective yoga teacher when I couldn't even cultivate inner peace within myself, and how I had so many friends who were telling me to get on that plane, and how I didn't want to. I remember my mom coming into my bedroom the night before I was to leave and I couldn't stop crying and she had to pack my suitcase for me because I was frozen and couldn't move. When we got to O'Hare the next morning I cried and cried and cried and she pointed out to me that I was the only person in the airport who was crying because she was going to Hawaii. Had she not stuffed me on that airplane I honestly don't think I'd be alive today. It was such a scary time in my life and it's been pretty difficult for me to reflect on it, which, for whatever reason, I've felt the need to do recently.

And it's not like I've been sailing through these peaceful calm clear gorgeous waters since then. I haven't at all. I've probably have had more shit blow up in my face, but I have the tools to better deal with it now, more love for myself, and more clarity in my brain. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful that my "job" is something I am so passionate about. It also helped me to get my voice back and start singing again, which was something that I had convinced myself was dead to me. I'm now getting paid to sing, and perform at major venues, AND am getting paid to teach yoga. I never, ever thought that would be possible. While it was never my dream to teach yoga until recently, it was always my dream to live a life of contentment, music and freedom, which is what I have.

I am so incredibly grateful for that and I hope I can continue to help other people and share what means so much to me.