3h00 pm
near the Ottawa River

I had just gotten out of the Canadian War Museum when I went to sit today. I really needed to rest my legs, as I had been walking all morning, and I was really upset by the things I saw in the museum. I don't really like war to begin with, so it was pretty stupid I actually went into the museum, period, but I didn't expect it to be so horrific. I don't see how anyone could have enjoyed it but people were so excited with the exhibits and the goings on. In the WWI exhibit, people thought the simulated trench was so incredible. I walked about six feet into it and started to feel like I was suffocating, and like I was going to die. I was assaulted by noises of bombs, planes flying overhead, dark corners with soldiers laying face down, etc,etc, and I flipped out. I couldn't walk through the whole thing and people wouldn't move the hell out of my way when I tried to back out. I feel awful but I had to literally push some people to get through them because I honestly thought I was going to die. But people thought it was the greatest thing ever.

I just thought that we, as a species, haven't come so far after all. All we've managed to do over the years is figure out more and better ways to blow each other up and hurt people. That makes me so, so, so sad.

As I closed my eyes and started a concentration exercise, I felt tears pour down my face. I became aware of the feeling of my sinuses clogging up, my heart rate getting a little fast, and the overwhelming sense of sadness that washed over me. I felt compassion and gratitude for all of the soldiers who had fought and died and were wounded, shell shocked, etc but I felt so much disgust and anger for humanity in general as we simply cannot seem to get along. I tried to open up my eyes and focus on what good we have brought into the world, but it was so hard. I just felt so sad. And so angry. I don't understand why people can't just wake the fuck up.

It was different to sit with such intense emotions. Sometimes I get irritated and impatient with my sits, but I've never felt so much over a 30 minute period. I was hoping to feel better when I got up, but do not. I still feel off.