I tried astanga yoga for the first time tonight.
I am not sure if I like it, but I will force myself to go again. It's a series of bendy twisty balancy on your head and shoulders type poses which I am not ready for and I found myself having to constantly modify, oh, everything when we started the floor series. Standing series was fine, besides the fact I still mix up every sun salutation there is, as Bikram and Moksha do not open up their series with them. We do tree pose, getting ourselves nice and grounded for practice. So far, sun salutations do nothing for me besides get me very confused.
Vinyasana on Saturday was good though. I knew everything, was able to come to full pose 99% of the time and I impressed even myself, especially after not doing yoga in such a long time. I had many "this is why I do yoga" moments on Saturday, and I hope I can eventually bring those thoughts and feelings in to an astanga yoga practice.
Astanga starts with a sanskrit prayer, which I thought I didn't know, but when he started chanting it I recognized it as the opening to one of Madonna's songs off her Ray of Light album. So I chanted right along. Thank you, Material Girl.
***
Would it be too ambitious to open a yoga studio and go to school full time?
Places I want to live in before I die
-New York City
-Vancouver
-London
Places I need to see before I die
-India
-Singapore
-South Africa
-Thailand
-Egypt
-Dubai
-Saudi Arabia
-Europe sans Mother
-Russia
-Hong Kong
-Brazil
-Chile
-Mexico
-Japan
***
I can't seem to settle down and be anywhere for long. I cannot express the immense pull I have to leave this city once again. At the same time I want to settle down, find my roots, start a family before its too late. I wish I had more time in this life; more than this life to be able to do all I want to do. I just want to get up and go. Get myself out there. Be someone. Become someone I am proud of. While I know I have much to be proud of, I also think that there is still more to this life than what this is. There's a deeper meaning. There's more of a reason to carry on.
I need to see this beautiful Earth before she dies completely. She's dying, right now, and we're killing her. The human race, which has evolved so far, has made so many advancements to survive over the millenia, is now killing the host which has provided for them so slowly and painfully. We're almost like a plague of locusts, if you think about it. While I am lucky to be living at the time I am living, where I have the freedom to go to school, have a career, be out late at night by myself, or make a choice for my body, I am also ashamed, as I know its my generation, and the few before mine, which have made the Earth what it is today. I am lucky to have experienced everything I have experienced when the Earth was the most bountiful and giving.
I feel such a pull to not be here right now. Like I need to leave Chicago. I don't know why. I am leaving for Hawaii in one month and twenty-six days. Then I come back after five weeks. Then I start school. And the idea of being tied down here for four years is daunting and exhausting, at best. While I will travel in the summer (volunteer work in Africa is an option, and I know I'll be singing in Greece and Austria for master classes) I still just want to pack up my shit, pack up my cat, and tread somewhere else. Why I can't even seem to plant my roots here, I will never know.
Maybe Chicago wasn't my sweet home after all. Although, when I am gone, it constantly calls out to me to come back.
Vagabond. That's the theme for this life. My most fun one, I've been told. Here's hoping.
My life is a work in progress.
I desire wholeness.
There is enough time.
I am doing this for me because I love me, and I am worth this change.
It won't be this way forever.
My courage is an expression of my love.
The only real control I have is the choice of my own thoughts, my own words, and my own actions.
I choose the life that I have right now.
I can do this.
Everything is moving at the proper speed.
Life may be difficult, but I do not need to suffer.
I am in the circle.
Think the truth, tell the truth, and live the truth.
A successful life is one lived in friendship and love.
I acknowledge my successes.
I make a commitment to practicing yoga poses with ahimsa.
I am open to giving and receiving love.
Love is connection with myself.
Love is life's attempt to tell me that there is always hope.
When I love, I am living yoga.
I embrace change and let go of fear.
Letting go of what I cannot change celebrates courage.
This moment is the perfect moment to let go.
Wed, Mar 14
10:10AM to
2:30PM
Chicago-Ohare, IL (ORD) to
Honolulu, HI (HNL)
9hrs 20mins - nonstop
Stop - change planes in Honolulu, HI (HNL)
Connection Time: 1hr 35mins
Wed, Mar 14
4:05PM to
4:56PM
Honolulu, HI (HNL) to
Hilo, HI (ITO)
51mins - nonstop
Operated By ALOHA AIRLINES INC
Mon, Apr 16
1:50PM to
2:37PM
Hilo, HI (ITO) to
Honolulu, HI (HNL)
47mins - nonstop
Operated By ALOHA AIRLINES INC
For your boarding pass, use reference code ........ for online or airport check-in.
Mon, Apr 16
4:15PM to
5:10AM
Arrive next day
Honolulu, HI (HNL) to
Chicago-Ohare, IL (ORD)
7hrs 55mins - nonstop
Write down your short and long term GOALS four times a year. 2 personal, 2 business and one health goal. A university found only 3 percent of the students had written goals. 20 years later, the same 3 percent were wealthier than the other 97% combined.
Personal
- Smile first thing when I wake up in the morning. Life is a precious, precious gift, and something I take for granted far too often.
- Finally learn to play Eucre
Business
- Get a better paying job, and one in a field I am trained in, ie as a yoga instructor, or bartender.
- Pay off at least $2000 worth of debt accurred by June.
Health
- Phase out meat and dairy. Become fully vegan by September. Establish this routine during the summer, and do not fall out of it because others around you are eating meat. No matter how hard it is in the American Midwest. Find a support group.
I have an interview at Lululemon Athletica Thursday. I'm nervous.
I'm just copying and pasting from my myspace blog because I'm lazy.
Yesterday:
Leprechauns were dancing around me, for sure.
After my car getting stolen sometime between December 31st-January 2nd, a state trooper found my car Friday morning and it was transferred to a holding facility. I just got back from looking at it.
It's perfectly drivable, with a dent on the side and a few scratches, but nothing that can't be fixed.
The inside was completely disgusting. Condom wrappers. Needles. Papers. Bottles of alcohol strewen all over. They took everything out of the glove compartment - my Oakleys, vehicle registration, the title (which my mom put in there cuz... who knows why), the insurance information, the owner's manuel. My car charger and bluetooth headset are gone, as well as my Cubs sweatshirt and I don't think I saw my yoga mat or fins in there, but there was so much garbage, so who knows. I don't even know if I'd want them after looking in to the backseat.
I don't even want to drive it anymore. We had to come back home to get something that prooved my mom was the owner(aparently insurance cards aren't enough, funny that) and she lost the title cuz she left it in the car so who knows how we're going to get it back here. It also costs $250 to get it out of the impound - the insurance company better fucking pay for that. I'm refusing to drive that nasty piece of shit until the needles have been taken out of it and its been sterilized with a fucking power washer. God that's disgusting. So, her brother and her are going to get the car.
I hope they rot.
So these fuck nuts also left their cds and school information in my car. I also found a traffic violation, which I am now going to have to fight the city for - but that its prolly how they found my stolen car to begin with.
All my stuff is gone. And I have their college textbooks. and CDs. And drove my car around about 300 miles. And filled up my gas tank. And got rid of my Deutschland "d" bumper sticker, but left the Depaul one. The license plates are gone. My car stuff - the febreeze, anti freeze, windshield washer fluid, jumper cables, spare tire - still there.
I dont fucking get it. I'm trying to make sense of why they did what they did and I dont get it. And I want to know if these fucks are in custody and if I can see them so I can kick their fucking asses. ok. Well. I wouldn't do that. but I want to know if they were caught, if my car was swiped for finger prints, etc. I want to be able to go to that trial, if there is one.
The line was so long and the lady couldn't answer any of my questions as she didnt have time, although she was really nice.
I'll call the state trooper who originally called me friday morning at 4h20 am, and talk to her and see if she can answer my questions. I'm allowed to do that, right?
I feel as if nothing is getting answered, and im getting really fucking irritated because I feel violated, and disgusting, and want justice served. I want to know that they actually will look for these fuck faces, if they did anything besides impound it.
I'm so upset :(
This morning:
The state trooper finally called me back!
She said she pulled someone over for a traffic violation January 2nd, ran the plates and saw that they had been just purchased from the currency exchange. Ran the VIN and saw that the car was reported stolen a few hours prior (just think had I not gotten to the police department when I did...) and arrested the guy driving the car.
Unfortuneately, he was not the guy who stole my car. He had paid $3000 cash for it when he saw a for sale sign on it around 2 that afternoon. He then went to the currency exchange and purchased new plates for it, and got temps. She had to arrest him anyway, but when they brought him in they got information on the guy who sold it to him and they will be calling him in to identify the dude who stole my car in a lineup.
She was really nice and made sure she answered all my questions and kept asking me if I had more. She said to just chuck all his stuff out and I am allowed to clean the car. She also asked me what damage was accurred on the vehicle and wrote that all down on her report so the insurance claims adjustor wouldn't give us any shit when he comes to look at it tomorrow.
I thanked her profusely and I was happy to know what my car had been through the past few days and that it kind of put my mind more at ease. I'm still pissed and irriated, and need to get new plates and register for a new title and all that shit but whatever. Car's back. And tomorrow I'll get to have it cleaned. No more condoms and drug paraphanellia! Awesome.
Sometimes I wonder if my personality is too bubbly to be that of a yoga instructor. I wonder if I'm too hyper for my own good. I've been told I bring a lot of energy when I am around people, but I'm wondering if that energy is good to have when you are trying to get people to relax and experience calmness.
I am sure this is just cold feet, and in no time at all I'll find my yoga niche, but for the time being, it makes me pretty nervous. I can hardly calm myself down in order to meditate [but oh, when I can, its transcendental]. I cannot sit still in lotus pose for long; I fall asleep in savasana if I stay in it for too long, even though its the one pose where I feel the most relaxed. Tadasana, tree, the warrior series, that's where I get my energy from. I can feel it vibrating through my mat, the ground beneath me coming alive as I push my energy down in to it to ground myself in these poses. It seems any pose I am doing on my own two feet (and sometimes hands, depending on the day) is what I live for.
However, the poses which are often the most difficult for us to do are the poses we need to do consistently, daily, since the benefits our bodies need the most come from these poses. It's no secret I need to relax. I am told by my coworkers on a daily basis that stress will kill me. I've experienced this through chest pains, colds, acne breakouts, my hair falling out, failure to lose weight due to too much cortisol production... good times, I'm telling you. I started doing yoga three years ago to learn to relax more, but ever since then its been constantly evolving in to a cardio work out for me. From ashtanga to more challenging Bikram and moksha hot yogas, I feel like I'm doing no good if I'm not getting the rat-a-tat-tat up in my less-than-three.
One of the ways Moksha yoga varies greatly from Bikram's yoga is that moksha instructors are trained to be caring, compassionate, and easy going compared to Bikram's instructors. Bikram's yoga tends to be very athletic (trust me, its effing amazing) and the instructors are encouraged to be very outgoing and be all loud like. I've attended classes in which instructors push students in to poses, and say "Come on! You can DO it!" far too often. I am not for either of these. Its why yoga is called a practice.
And yet, I fear mostly that this is the instructor I will become.
I want to be caring and compassionate. I want to not push people. I push people around all day. Buy something. What drink can I make you. Effing walk faster cuz I have somewhere to be. Jesus wanna exit the El any slower? Oh my God you moron its ok to go 10 miles over the speed limit. So. I breathe. Deeply. Try to remain calm and tell myself that I will get through this moment of feeling rushed, and I am where I need to be right now.
I am where I need to be right now. My friend Erica told me that my first year at Ryerson, when I was having doubts in my mind about being in Canada and was considering moving back to Chicago. I was upset because my music career was in limbo and I didn't know if I'd be a vocal performance or a social work major that next year or not. I was upset because I was getting older (ha) and didn't have anything to show for it. She told me to relax and know that I am here right now, doing what I am doing, because the universe put me here. Everything in its right place. Thank you, Radiohead.
I'm getting better at not rushing things. I still am getting the frequent panic attacks. There isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do about those besides breathe and know I'll get through them. They seem to happen most frequently on public transit. Maybe its time I just invest in a bike.
Even though I fret, I am sure that through my training I will be instructed on how to interact with students as an instructor. I just need to relax and know I will learn all I need to on my own time and will be learning from some of my most favorite and strongest yoga influences. I should consider myself to be extremely blessed and lucky, and not worry about what kind of instructor I will make. In my own time, I will figure out what works for me, and what doesn't, and how I can calm down or kick up my personality to suit the energies in the room.
Everything
Everything
Everything
Everything in its right place
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place