Sometimes I wonder if my personality is too bubbly to be that of a yoga instructor. I wonder if I'm too hyper for my own good. I've been told I bring a lot of energy when I am around people, but I'm wondering if that energy is good to have when you are trying to get people to relax and experience calmness.

I am sure this is just cold feet, and in no time at all I'll find my yoga niche, but for the time being, it makes me pretty nervous. I can hardly calm myself down in order to meditate [but oh, when I can, its transcendental]. I cannot sit still in lotus pose for long; I fall asleep in savasana if I stay in it for too long, even though its the one pose where I feel the most relaxed. Tadasana, tree, the warrior series, that's where I get my energy from. I can feel it vibrating through my mat, the ground beneath me coming alive as I push my energy down in to it to ground myself in these poses. It seems any pose I am doing on my own two feet (and sometimes hands, depending on the day) is what I live for.

However, the poses which are often the most difficult for us to do are the poses we need to do consistently, daily, since the benefits our bodies need the most come from these poses. It's no secret I need to relax. I am told by my coworkers on a daily basis that stress will kill me. I've experienced this through chest pains, colds, acne breakouts, my hair falling out, failure to lose weight due to too much cortisol production... good times, I'm telling you. I started doing yoga three years ago to learn to relax more, but ever since then its been constantly evolving in to a cardio work out for me. From ashtanga to more challenging Bikram and moksha hot yogas, I feel like I'm doing no good if I'm not getting the rat-a-tat-tat up in my less-than-three.

One of the ways Moksha yoga varies greatly from Bikram's yoga is that moksha instructors are trained to be caring, compassionate, and easy going compared to Bikram's instructors. Bikram's yoga tends to be very athletic (trust me, its effing amazing) and the instructors are encouraged to be very outgoing and be all loud like. I've attended classes in which instructors push students in to poses, and say "Come on! You can DO it!" far too often. I am not for either of these. Its why yoga is called a practice.

And yet, I fear mostly that this is the instructor I will become.

I want to be caring and compassionate. I want to not push people. I push people around all day. Buy something. What drink can I make you. Effing walk faster cuz I have somewhere to be. Jesus wanna exit the El any slower? Oh my God you moron its ok to go 10 miles over the speed limit. So. I breathe. Deeply. Try to remain calm and tell myself that I will get through this moment of feeling rushed, and I am where I need to be right now.

I am where I need to be right now. My friend Erica told me that my first year at Ryerson, when I was having doubts in my mind about being in Canada and was considering moving back to Chicago. I was upset because my music career was in limbo and I didn't know if I'd be a vocal performance or a social work major that next year or not. I was upset because I was getting older (ha) and didn't have anything to show for it. She told me to relax and know that I am here right now, doing what I am doing, because the universe put me here. Everything in its right place. Thank you, Radiohead.

I'm getting better at not rushing things. I still am getting the frequent panic attacks. There isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do about those besides breathe and know I'll get through them. They seem to happen most frequently on public transit. Maybe its time I just invest in a bike.

Even though I fret, I am sure that through my training I will be instructed on how to interact with students as an instructor. I just need to relax and know I will learn all I need to on my own time and will be learning from some of my most favorite and strongest yoga influences. I should consider myself to be extremely blessed and lucky, and not worry about what kind of instructor I will make. In my own time, I will figure out what works for me, and what doesn't, and how I can calm down or kick up my personality to suit the energies in the room.

Everything
Everything
Everything
Everything in its right place
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place