Rediscovering you is amazing. It's like we never missed a beat, much less a year and a half. No matter what happens, you'll always have a piece of my heart. If there is anyone I am thankful for every day of my life, its you. Words are never going to say how much you mean to me and I cannot find the words to thank you for all you've done for me. You're an amazing, incredible, wonderful human being, and I want nothing but the best for you.
Coming home has been amazing. Safe, happy, healthy. I couldn't ask for anything more.
While at work the other day, someone walked by me smelling of something strangely familiar, something I had not breathed in since April.
Liliko'i.
The Passion flower, or Liliko'i according to Hawai'ian natives, was named after Spanish and Portuguese conquistadors because they thought the petals closely resembeled Christ's crucifixion - The Passion of the Christ. The leaves and petals of this flower have been used for thousands of years to treat hysteria, insomnia and epilepsy. They also contain small traces of natural MAOI-inhibitors, found in drugs which treat depression and anxiety disorders. Rather than use this in homeopathy, I have a jar, somewhere, as an essential oil, which one day, when I unearth it from the boxes of stuff I am bringing to Toronto, will wear. Such a delicious, empowering scent.
I inhaled the sweetness deeply and was immediately transferred back to nearly six months ago. Hoping on a plane across the continent, across the ocean, depressed, alone, scared, hollowed. Scenes flashed through my mind - meditations, prayer circles, chanting, yoga practices, nights in the hot tub, splashing in the ocean underneath the moonlight and billions upon billions of stars beaming from the Pacific sky, forming a safe, magical canopy over us. Comming to terms with who I am. Comming to terms with my spirituality. Comming to terms with everything I've been through in life and becoming so extremely grateful for it. For the first time, embracing tragedies. They brought me closer to God. Embracing my differences with my mother. They brought me to forgiveness. Embracing my differences with everyone. Again, finding forgiveness and letting go.
It's incredible how six weeks can completely transform a person. It's incredible how one can go from absolute hatred for the Divine and come again to embrace God and be eternally grateful for the rocky path they'd been led down life so far. For if it wasn't that path that I was led down, I wouldn't know what true happiness is. I wouldn't have the relationship with God I have now. I wouldn't know what true love is. I would't know how to fully and completely love myself, and really, truly accept myself. There's such a huge difference in saying the words because you think others want to hear them, and because you want to believe them, and actually living out those words.
Gratitude is the greatest of all heart-openers. When it enters the heart, love pours out. For every kindness we receive, gratitude inspires a hundred acts of giving.
The picture above was taken at Kalani's Point, in Pahoa, Big Island, Hawai'i. This little flower kept trying to leap in to the ocean and be swept away by the current. Every time it blew off the cliff, a tradewind would come along and boomerang it back towards the edge. In many ways, this flower has been a metaphor for my life. Every time it was about to let go, a stronger, more powerful force lifted it up and carried it back to saftey. God is always there, always around, and always supportive, whether you're struggling petals or a human being.
Personal Goals
- Step up the meditation 4-6 times a week instead of the 3-4 I have been doing.
- Date without fear, love smart, and find that special someone.
Business
- Finance my education, my move back to Toronto, and my trip to London/India smartly and cease spending money on things I don't absolutely need.
- Continue to teach more yoga and find a good job in Toronto with an ethical company, whether it be with Lululemon, The Big Carrot, or a Moksha Studio.
Health
- Lose another 20 lbs.
- Practice yoga or go to the gym every day.
Just again, making goals for this quarter, I guess.
Here's a recap of what my goals were from January, and how I've been doing with them.
Personal
- Smile first thing when I wake up in the morning. Life is a precious, precious gift, and something I take for granted far too often.
- Finally learn to play Eucre
Done and done, both learned, and refined, while I was in Hawaii.
Business
- Get a better paying job, and one in a field I am trained in, ie as a yoga instructor, or bartender.
- Pay off at least $2000 worth of debt accurred by June.
Done and almost done!
Health
- Phase out meat and dairy. Become fully vegan by September. Establish this routine during the summer, and do not fall out of it because others around you are eating meat. No matter how hard it is in the American Midwest. Find a support group.
Am fully vegetarian, with limited amounts of cheese and ice cream. Working on finding vegan friendly protein powder. Seemed to do this quite easily, and didn't even slip, even when I was in Nashville this weekend and surrounded by meat, meat, and more meat.
I'm currently reading an amazing book right now, by Don Campbell, called The Mozart Effect: Tapping the Power of Music to Heal the Body, Strenghten the Mind, and Unlock the Creative Spirit. My friend Lavonne bought this for me, and when I finally meet her in June I am going to give her the biggest smack on the cheek (or knowing me, the lips) for it.
This book basically reinforces how I've always viewed music as an instrument (har har) for healing and references scientific studies and professionl anecdotes on how music is used to treat people, and in some cases, perform miracles. It also goes in to the basic physics of sound and how it can be used to heal, and branches off in to ancient civilizations and how they have affected music therapy as it is today.
It's confirmed my desire to be a music therapist. I never lost sight of any of that, but I have to admit, not getting in to DePaul has left me highly discouraged, still. I don't doubt my abilities as a musician and a healer, but I still worry about auditions that are two-three years away. However, I do feel this is my calling, more so than performing, more so than social work. This combines everything - my passion for music, to perform, and my wanting to heal and make the world a better place, and I can still be a super nerd and do research and maybe one day be blessed enough to teach at a university and inspire other students and do my own studies and not have to settle for being an RA - as much as I like that, I want to be Dr. Karina Frost, Ph.D, bitches!
I can hardly read more than a page of this book without having to put it down, take notes, and get all super hyper excited because it just makes so much sense to me. And it gives all these resources and organizations which trains in music therapy and vocal movement therapy. And tells me that there ARE Ph.D programs out there, and how, worse comes to worse, I can train at an institute and be a music therapy practitioner, even if I don't get in to grad school. And it lists all the schools all over the world I can study at, so of course I'm planning what foreign country to do my studies in next.
***
I don't understand why there isn't a lot of promotion in America for American youth to go out and explore the world. Maybe its propeganda to keeping Americans ignorant of what else is out there, that there might exist *gasp* something better. Every country I've been to (lots) and lived in (Canada and Germany and if you count those six weeks in France), there exists so many programs for youth to go and see the world. Most people don't get why I will go anywhere at the drop of a hat, while I'll more readily mount a plane than a penis, and ask me wtf my problem is and why I can't just stay in one place.
Because I've been given this gift, called a life, on an amazing planet that's acting as my home for the time being, and I want to go out and explore her and thank her for all she provides? Come on people. Now is the time to do it before I settle down and have a million babies.
woo.
So.
I emailed people about the community development/project manager thing in India and they said they might be willing to extend the placement from 8 weeks to 12, which is the amount of weeks this internship needs to be. I am getting really excited. And I hope when I present this proposal to the people in charge of international placement they accept it.
I decided I want to do this more because I am more interested in research and social policy implementation (is that a word?) in this area. I need a strong background in research for grad school, and I am seriously questioning my ability to be able to stand 12 weeks in an orphanage for disabled children and not have a nervous breakdown. I remember being overwhelmed with tears sometimes after volunteering with the autistic/cerebral palsy children with the Ontario Music Therapy Association - and these kids weren't living in complete poverty and had a fighting chance due to adequate health care, loving parents, and music. But then again these children might need that.
Orphanage: running water/electricity/maybe internet
Rural India: no running water/electricity/internet when i go in to town every weekend. but i get to completel immerse myself in to their culture and be in charge of creating environmentally friendly social programs for farmers and their families. I mean come on.
Eh fuck it I'll propose both.
I'm trying to figure out how much it will cost me to travel around India when I'm done. I want to check out the north, and Puna, and Delhi, and Mumbai, all of which I heard was beautiful, and maybe go to Nepal. And try to go to Dubai. But I don't know how expensive that will be.
My mom is now convinced I won't die of food poisoning. Instead she's telling there's always earthquakes in India and she's worried I'll die from that. I told her the major carnage happens in the cities, where people are packed in like sardines, and that's not going to happen in the country, unless mother Earth herself opens me up and swallows me whole.
As we headed out of Barnes and Noble last night she shoved a package in my hand. Inside the bag were two travel books on India, so I could better plan it.
I guess I finally have her blessing :)
I'm starting the process of looking for my placement in India.
Description: Care
We have placements available in a number of care centers in Tamil Nadu and Kerala. Overall they cater to orphans, infants, and disabled children. In many cases, your day will begin early when the children need help getting ready for school. You might have the afternoon free or opt to help with other activities. For the younger children, there are often nurseries attached to the home where you can lend a hand. Or, you might even go with the children to school to help with their English lessons! When the older children come home at 4:30, you can help with their homework or organize games for them before dinner.
They arrange all your accomodations and transit while in India, and I am given two weeks off to vacation anywhere (hello Dubai). They don't pay for it but eh. Their program is about three months, which I think is what I need.
I am also looking at orphanage assistance in India (through World Endeavors):
Description: World Endeavors offers several enriching volunteer programs across India in both urban and rural areas. These projects provide a culturally-immersive experience while allowing volunteers to make a meaningful contribution to the Indian people. One of these projects allows volunteers to assist children in local orphanages.
Orphans are deprived of many opportunities necessary for their development. Through education and compassion, children are empowered to challenge a life of further poverty and exploitation. Volunteers provide basic daily care for the orphans and are also encouraged to actively participate in programs such as health education, games, drawing, and painting. With such a variety of ways to participate, the orphanage experience provides volunteers many meaningful ways to approach service.
http://www.volunteerabroad.com/listingsp3.cfm/listing/32494 <--- that sounds good too. Especially the whole community project development and management stuff, and I can even live with an Indian family and completely immerse myself in the culture. They say its two weeks in lenght but I can do long term too. Oh this one has me really fucking excited!
http://www.volunteerabroad.com/listingsp3.cfm/listing/35014
I'm looking at programs in South Africa and Peru as well.
Really, I just cant wait to travel and see the entire country once I'm in it.
***
Mom: What happened to Australia? Why do you keep researching countries where you can get yourself killed?!
Me: Because what's the fun in it otherwise?