I have so much to write about and I don't know how to put any of it.
I can't believe I leave in five days. Only three days left of actual yoga stuff. Then Sunday is graduation. I changed my flight to leave early Monday morning from Hilo to Honolulu, where I am going with a few other ladies and we'll go shopping on Waikiki and see the beach and stuff before getting back to the airport for my 4h15 flight back to Chicago.
I emailed the Moksha Yoga Danforth studio with regards to teaching there. They emailed me back this morning saying they would put my name down on the list for new apprentice teachers and said I would probably start teaching in May or June. This, of course, is making my stomach churn, as I can't believe I am moving back to Toronto again, and frankly, I'm scared shitless, but what else am I going to do? I am getting every possible sign from the universe not to stay in Chicago.
More to write, but I'm too tired. I'll probably write the bulk of what I need to once I am back in Chicago, as I will be less interupted there. It seems I can't ever get more than ten minutes alone in this place - which, for me, an only child, is a bit tiresome after awhile.
I quit my voice lessons yesterday. That was a fun phone call :\
Five more days. Pray my body doesn't break down before then; I totally feel its about to.
I am so cranky today.
Meditation and practice was cancelled this morning, so Emma and I got our running shoes on at 5h30 am, and jogged/power walked down to the black sand beach about a mile and a half away from Kalani. We were up late with some of the other girls in our hale, but it was ok. To get to the beach from the road, you need to go down this steep hill, at a really steep incline.
So we get all the way to the bottom and I lose my footing, and fall right the fuck down on ah-ah.
There's two types of lava rock in Hawaii - ah-ah and pahoehoe. Pahoehoe is all nice and smooth. Ah-ah is rough and jagged. My ass is bruised, my left arm is all scratched and torn up... argh. And I've been stubbing my toe right left and centre.
The pacific ocean was so warm today.
Our afternoon classes were cancelled, with the exception of asana practice, so I've been at the poolside all day.
This shit has turned me black. teehee.
I'm so thankful tomorrow is a day off and I have a two hour hawaiian lomi lomi massage scheduled. I am so effing sore.
So the topic they are making us journal about today is freedom. I think this is a bit ironic, as it is not very free to make us write a journal about freedom. But, I digress.
I bitch and moan all the time about how much I hate George Bush. I bitch and moan all the time about how the American government is run. I do all this, and I am not hanged for it, nor prosecuted for it in any way. I have studied what I've wanted to study at universities in Chicago and in Toronto, when in some countries, girls can not. I've had a shitton of sex with different partners and most people have never judged me for it, nor was I stoned, or accused of commiting adultry. I guess freedom, to me, is being able to do all of these things. Or maybe all those things are just a privilege, and I am lucky to have them, because I was born in the right place, at the right time.
Beinging more freedom in to my life would enable to me to love myself. Be at peace with myself. Realize that I am not my failures. I am not my failures. Freedom would be being able to look in the mirror at myself - not sometimes, but all the time - and realize just how beautiful I am. Freedom would be being content with what I have. Freedom would be being able to see the beauty in everyone, and not make judgement calls. Finally, freedom - liberation - would be ridding myself of my negative mantras and thinking positively. This is something I work on every, single day.
The mornings have been especially hard for me since I came here. I tend to have unpleasant dreams towards morning and every morning I wake up and the only thought in my mind is Kevin. I hurry to the point so I can meditate. I never thought I'd ever look so forward to meditation - but focusing solely on inhales and exhales, or repeating "let go" with every inhalation and exhalation, quiets my mind and helps me to escape from that. Hopefully one day I'll completely be able to let go.
I've been studying mantras in my own private reading since I got here and I am coming to realize more and more that my negative thoughts tend to manifest themselves in my real life. Its almost like I am wishing them in to being and the universe is letting me have what I "want". Whenever I've been receiving negative thoughts I come back to my breath, just repeating inhale and exhale over and over again, and try to quiet my mind. This trick has helped me more than any therapist or medication ever has. It seems so. Fucking. Simple.
I've been having insanely good asana practices. I've impressed even myself. I looked in the mirror yesterday and noticed how toned my legs were getting, and got a little frustrated I didn't bring any shorts. I ordered a bunch from Old Navy today. I see the definition in my arms and chest and get all excited. However I do miss lifting and running at the gym.
I have my interview for staying here longer on Friday. We'll see how that goes.
My one accomplishment of the day:
I did not step foot inside of Mac Cosmetics. I walked dangerously close to it but decided it's best I not go in, for fear of spending more money, although I'd love to fill up my blush palette and get the two Barbie Loves Mac lipsticks I am missing from the collection still.
Of course, having to buy new bras (seven bras and $290 later at Victoria's Secret) and stuff from Sephora (DDF products suck to buy without my discount *sadface*) I was feeling rather guilty for buying things for myself.
I have so much I need to buy/do for Hawaii. So, in true Karina fashion, here's a list, divided off in to what stores I need to go to and where. This will all take place tomorrow.
Shit I have
-beach towel
-water bottle
-yoga mat
-sunglasses
-flashlight (somewhere...)
-camera (might get a disposable waterproof one for swimming with the dolphins tho)
-swim suit (but might get a new one from Old Navy, as bad juju is attached to the other one)
-toiletries
-gym shoes/hiking boots
-hair dryer
-brush
-bandanas/scarves
Old Navy/Gap/Kohls/Target
-yoga shorts (ew!) and tops (have some, need to buy more)
-t shirts, tank tops
-long pants/yoga pants
-sweatshirts (I gave all mine to Kevin and feel like an idiot for asking to borrow one of my sweatshirts, lol)
-skirts, dresses, sarongs (I am skurred)
-flip flops, sandals (one more pair!)
-light weight raincoat (this might just be a sweatshirt or something - who the hell wears those now?)
Walgreens
-journal (wtf I cant journal on my ibook?)
-lined 3 hole paper
-sunscreen
Trader Joe's/Whole Foods
-citronella oil (I hope I can find this shit there!)
I have no idea what I can and can't bring on my carryon. I hope they have water and shit for purchase behind the security checkpoint. At least I can fit all my solid makeup in my carryon - the mascara, cleansers, anything else will have to go in my suitcase, and United better not fucking lose it.
***
I really havent eaten anything since Friday. I was suppossed to go out tonight to Olive Garden with Robin and Annie but my mom is forcing me to w Consequently, I am having bad dizzy spells and am sleeping a lot, and cannot stop thinking about getting a big ass double stack and a frosty from Wendy's.
We'll call it my pre-detox-tox-up. Or, something.
I feel like I fucked things up to the point of no return.
However, the heart wants what it wants, and I hope some day you'll realize that, and realize that I could be the best thing possible for you. I'm sure you will. I didn't think I could love so freely, or care so deeply, ever again, but you showed me that was possible, and I am forever grateful to you for that. And I still do. And somewhere inside you, I know you do too. If you're scared, thats ok. I am too . You make me feel safe, you make me feel I can be myself, you make me feel I can just let go. I trust you. I feel comfortable around you. I wouldn't want it any other way. I know you'll never read this, and thats ok. It's good to finally get my thoughts coherently down. I might be delusional, but I'm pretty sure you'll come around. It's too perfect not to, and I know you've seen that.
***
This happened at the worst possible time, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think I really can do anything, besides sit and wait. And try not to worry. Good things come to those who wait right?
***
So much shit to do, and no motivation to do it. Fuck.
Chicago is buried under 2 feet of snow right now and Hawaii can't come soon enough. I have never seen anything like that blizzard we had on Tuesday, even after living in Toronto for four years.
30 days from today, and so much to do.
I began my 30 day Sadhana this morning at 7 am. I'm going to try to move this up to 5 am, however its hard when I don't go to sleep until around midnight.
I need to get my hurr did.
I need a pedicure in the worst way.
I need to stop spoiling myself, since I know Buddhists don't do that. But maybe I can be a new wave Buddhist. LOL. I will never be able to meld myself into the mold of one religion, will I. Kevin says to just be me. I think for once I'll take his advice.
My auditions at DePaul are this Saturday. I feel as if I'm on the edge of achieving my dreams but I'm so cautious to proceed because I have been burned so badly. I'm so scared this won't work out. April 3rd seems like such a lifetime away, and I'll be in Hawaii and my mom will have to call and tell me and I don't know how I'll take the news if its negative.
But everyone is 99% sure it won't be. Everyone except me. >.<
I tried astanga yoga for the first time tonight.
I am not sure if I like it, but I will force myself to go again. It's a series of bendy twisty balancy on your head and shoulders type poses which I am not ready for and I found myself having to constantly modify, oh, everything when we started the floor series. Standing series was fine, besides the fact I still mix up every sun salutation there is, as Bikram and Moksha do not open up their series with them. We do tree pose, getting ourselves nice and grounded for practice. So far, sun salutations do nothing for me besides get me very confused.
Vinyasana on Saturday was good though. I knew everything, was able to come to full pose 99% of the time and I impressed even myself, especially after not doing yoga in such a long time. I had many "this is why I do yoga" moments on Saturday, and I hope I can eventually bring those thoughts and feelings in to an astanga yoga practice.
Astanga starts with a sanskrit prayer, which I thought I didn't know, but when he started chanting it I recognized it as the opening to one of Madonna's songs off her Ray of Light album. So I chanted right along. Thank you, Material Girl.
***
Would it be too ambitious to open a yoga studio and go to school full time?