7h30am
Tracy's Apartment
I sit down and realize that I'm leaving Ottawa in a few hours. My sits have been so awful this week that it feels like I haven't even really been sitting. But I guess in a way, I'm being forced to deal with my shit, instead of swallowing it and being strong, as I tend to do. There isn't anything wrong with being a strong woman, but I need to learn that really, there isn't anything wrong with being openly vulnerable. I do not mind when other people are openly vulnerable with me - I am completely comfortable with listening to other people cry, and talk about their issues, and want to hear about it because I genuinely care... so really I should allow people to see that from me too.
My sit is a bit more peaceful than what they have become since Monday. My mind anticipates thoughts of seeing my cat again and getting to hang out with my mom. I start to scan the body, starting with my feet. I notice that they're falling asleep but I try not to pay too much attention to that or else I'll squirm, and I get all the way up to my heart, where I feel such a rush of warmth and love and peace. Tears spill out of my eyes and I have no idea as to why I'm crying or where they're coming from. It was great to just be able to sit with my tears and just feel gratitude towards everything in my life. My alarm goes off, signaling the end of my sit.
***
The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who I've been blogging with since 2001. He had mentioned to me how badly he wished I still lived in the Chicagoland area, as he is selling his car, condo, going through a messy divorce, hates his job, etc, and would love for me to teach him meditation and yoga. He's known me since I was 18 and had seen the huge transformation that took place in me the two and a half years I've been walking this path, and he feel like he could benefit from it. I recommended a few books to him but unfortunately do not know of anyone in the Chicagoland area where he could go to practice with.
Last night I was reading through old entries of a private journal I keep, back to 2006-2007 when my life fell apart. Right before I left for Hawaii to embark on my journey that's brought me to this present day, the only thing I could think about was killing myself because I just could not seem to get a grip on my life or handle anything that came my way. It was one thing after another, and I kept writing about how I didn't want to go to Hawaii, I had no idea how I could even be an affective yoga teacher when I couldn't even cultivate inner peace within myself, and how I had so many friends who were telling me to get on that plane, and how I didn't want to. I remember my mom coming into my bedroom the night before I was to leave and I couldn't stop crying and she had to pack my suitcase for me because I was frozen and couldn't move. When we got to O'Hare the next morning I cried and cried and cried and she pointed out to me that I was the only person in the airport who was crying because she was going to Hawaii. Had she not stuffed me on that airplane I honestly don't think I'd be alive today. It was such a scary time in my life and it's been pretty difficult for me to reflect on it, which, for whatever reason, I've felt the need to do recently.
And it's not like I've been sailing through these peaceful calm clear gorgeous waters since then. I haven't at all. I've probably have had more shit blow up in my face, but I have the tools to better deal with it now, more love for myself, and more clarity in my brain. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful that my "job" is something I am so passionate about. It also helped me to get my voice back and start singing again, which was something that I had convinced myself was dead to me. I'm now getting paid to sing, and perform at major venues, AND am getting paid to teach yoga. I never, ever thought that would be possible. While it was never my dream to teach yoga until recently, it was always my dream to live a life of contentment, music and freedom, which is what I have.
I am so incredibly grateful for that and I hope I can continue to help other people and share what means so much to me.
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent cuoples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.
Every time I read this I think that if I had been reflecting on that exactly a year ago this week, I wouldn't have been living the gong show that was my life from August 2008 to May 2009. Then again, because I loved him, and love is irrational, I probably would have anyway.
I think I also want to add to this training that I vow to never be so enwrapped in someone that I lose sight of who I am, lose presence in my day to day living, and cause others suffering because I am currently not present enough to think about the well being of anyone else but myself and my partner.
And that's my reflection.
3h00 pm
near the Ottawa River
I had just gotten out of the Canadian War Museum when I went to sit today. I really needed to rest my legs, as I had been walking all morning, and I was really upset by the things I saw in the museum. I don't really like war to begin with, so it was pretty stupid I actually went into the museum, period, but I didn't expect it to be so horrific. I don't see how anyone could have enjoyed it but people were so excited with the exhibits and the goings on. In the WWI exhibit, people thought the simulated trench was so incredible. I walked about six feet into it and started to feel like I was suffocating, and like I was going to die. I was assaulted by noises of bombs, planes flying overhead, dark corners with soldiers laying face down, etc,etc, and I flipped out. I couldn't walk through the whole thing and people wouldn't move the hell out of my way when I tried to back out. I feel awful but I had to literally push some people to get through them because I honestly thought I was going to die. But people thought it was the greatest thing ever.
I just thought that we, as a species, haven't come so far after all. All we've managed to do over the years is figure out more and better ways to blow each other up and hurt people. That makes me so, so, so sad.
As I closed my eyes and started a concentration exercise, I felt tears pour down my face. I became aware of the feeling of my sinuses clogging up, my heart rate getting a little fast, and the overwhelming sense of sadness that washed over me. I felt compassion and gratitude for all of the soldiers who had fought and died and were wounded, shell shocked, etc but I felt so much disgust and anger for humanity in general as we simply cannot seem to get along. I tried to open up my eyes and focus on what good we have brought into the world, but it was so hard. I just felt so sad. And so angry. I don't understand why people can't just wake the fuck up.
It was different to sit with such intense emotions. Sometimes I get irritated and impatient with my sits, but I've never felt so much over a 30 minute period. I was hoping to feel better when I got up, but do not. I still feel off.
9h30 am
Tracy's apartment
I a very resistant to sitting this morning. Instead of setting my alarm for 20 minutes, I set it for fifteen because I feel like being a rebel. Realize that I'm not really rebelling against anything but my own mind. Feel pretty dumb, and laugh at myself.
I think I'm having so much trouble sitting with my body and observing parts of it because for so long (and still sometimes) I had such a dysfunctional relationship with it. From an eating disorder that started in seventh grade and lasted through most of my first year of university (that still rears its ugly head sometimes), to all the things I've put it through - the drugs I've taken (I think back to my university years and when I was living in Germany and wonder how the hell I never died), the nights of binge drinking with friends (followed by a hair of the dog the next morning, of course!) and just thinking about the extreme disconnect I seem to have with it. I talk in my yoga classes about honouring our body and really listening to what it is trying to tell us. I'm getting a lot better at it now but some days I feel more hypocritical than others.
I go back to my breath, back to my concentration exercises why my mind decides to have a mini rave. I feel my heart rate start to accelerate, almost like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I can't get enough air. I open my eyes and notice my heart rate start to calm down. Five minutes before my alarm goes off I say fuck it and decide to stop. Tomorrow will hopefully be better.
I'm pretty pissed.
6h30 pm
Tracy's apartment
I'm having a really hard time keeping my mind quiet during my sits this week. I keep anticipating going back to Toronto. I miss Phoenix so much. I always think about him during my sits. I'm not as aware of my body during my sits as I should be.
However, last night an interesting thing happened. I am pretty sure I now have something that was close to a second or third degree burn on my arm. So I guess, in keeping with the theme of awareness of the body this week, I can watch my skin heal itself? Haha. I don't know what happened. I was reaching into the oven to take out the spinach lasagna I had made for dinner when the top of my forearm touched the top of the oven. It was a pretty big area that got burned! At the time I was on glass of wine number 2 do I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to shock the skin and put cold water on it so I grabbed a paper towel and put warm/hot water on it instead (I don't know if this is a homeopathic remedy or not, but in my mind, this made more sense). Strangely, there was no stinging. I ate dinner and watched an episode of True Blood (so not eating mindfully, and more engrossed in my television show) and then looked down at the burn mark on my arm. It wasn't blistering, but the skin had gone from pink to greenish gray! I touched it and it FELL OFF! And underneath there was this bleach white, like BLEACH white new skin! WOAH. The hair follicles were still where the burn was, new hair growing in already even though I shaved my arms two days ago.
So over the evening I watched the burn puss, more skin around it flake off, and about a half an inch around the burn swelled up and turned bright red to fight or prevent infection. I washed it once, and then watched the healing process begin again. It was pretty fascinating. This morning when I woke up it had kind of scabbed over, the bleach white skin was now a crunchy yellow, the red still around it and still swollen. I look forward to observing the healing process.
And Dr. Bronner's is so not mild when applied to new skin. No no no.
New week. New exercises. New Mindfulness trainings. Awareness of parts of body and how body is connected to the universe. Awareness of sexual responsibility and the suffering caused by sexual misconduct. Oh boy, will I ever had a lot to reflect on that. However, it might belong in a private email to FJB, as I don't think I am ready to post such personal things on a public blog for the world to see and possibly judge.
My mind was busy in my sit. It's always like that when I start new exercises. The only body part I could really draw awareness to was my head, as it was pounding, as usual (too much time being spend in the hot room?!). I was able to pinpoint the exact location of my headache though, in the centre frontal lobe right between my eyes. Sometimes is would migrate back to the parietal lobe but it would stay mostly on the left side, throb a bit, and work its way back to frontal lobe, right near where my third eye is. My mind started to drift back to when I busted a chakra because I got so pissed off and wondered if I was going to do that again. I noticed I wasn't really pissed off at anything. Currently irritated, but not pissed.
Noticed feelings of homesickness come up. Longing for home and my cat. Longing and attachment to hear a certain someone's voice. Just noticing these things as they came up and sat with them. My mind didn't race to think about the future, how I get to see my cat in a week, how I get to see my mom in a week, how I can call Michael in a week when I get back to Toronto. Trying really hard to stay present.
I tried to think about body and universe, but I don't think I'm there yet. I'll try again in a couple of days. When we get into stuff like that that's when I get really scared, as it makes me feel so small and insignificant. If everything really is nothing, then why bother doing anything? If I'm not my mother's daughter, my cat's owner (or really, owned by my cat), and basically every other label that I give myself/that has been assigned to me, then why do I bother learning any of this?
djsaldjsalk soon!
When Frank posts these jewels to our message board, I start to think that I'm in way over my head in this Buddhism and Dharma teaching. I fee like I need to pick up Buddhism for Dummies or an Idiots Guide to Dharma to begin to understand. I want to attempt to use this space to answer the questions he has put forth for us to contemplate. I realize there are no right or wrong answers, but isn't it a possibility that I could really miss the mark?
Dharma is one of the most used words in Buddhist-Yoga teachings, and is
instrumental in Hindu-Yoga (Dharma is the basic theme for both of its
epics, The Ramayama and The Mahabharata, which includes The
Bhagavad-Gita within it). Within Buddhist teachings it can mean:
1. The teachings directed to awakening.
2. Law, particularly the law of dependent arising; the principle that
nothing arises without causes and conditions.
3. Duty; acknowledging and understanding the Dharma of one's life
(sva-dharma).
4. Everything; all phenomena whether material, mental or otherwise (the
'content' of the Fourth Foundation of Mindfulness) (Boccio 2009)
So, to me, I feel that Dharma is, simply, everything. I can use it as a tool for living, or a tool for understanding life and how it works. I'm particularly drawn to the law of dependent arising (every action has an equal and opposite reaction = nothing arises without causes and conditions). While I can use this as a tool in my every day life, I realize that Dharma, like anything else, is merely a concept and not meant to be the Golden Rule, or something to cling to (kind of like trying to constantly having to remind myself to not view the five mindfulness trainings as dogma).
I am not sure if there can be a difference between belief and inquiry. I'm also going to throw the word "faith" in to this mix. To me, in order to believe in something, I think you have to have faith in its existence. Miracle on 34th Street taught me that faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to. I have proved this to myself time and time again in my romantic relationships. But even though those relationships waned, I still have faith and believe in love, even though common sense tells me it's pointless (or maybe that's just bitterness in disguise). In order to become stronger in what I believe in, I question it. I've always done this - much to the disappointment to my Catholic school teachers. But even when I was a child, I always thought that if you were able to question something, deconstruct it, and really think about it, it could make your faith even stronger and solidified. While I no longer consider myself Catholic, my faith in God and a higher power is solid and I believe it was the constant questions I asked myself and the praying I have done throughout my life that have allowed me to remain solid in my belief in a higher power.
I think that Dependent Arising is an important term to understand. My understanding of it relates to what I mentioned earlier: actions have equal and opposite reactions/everything that happens is based on the result on what has previously happened, and will effect what happens in the future. The whole butterfly effect (one farts in the east an a hurricane is created in the west, or something like that). As an aside, The Butterfly Effect was, and still is one of my most favourite movies today! But I think of how my life has been and think of everything that brought me to this present moment, sitting in an apartment in the Corso D'Italia in Ottawa, typing on my laptop. Had my friend Meghan not convinced me to sign up for a random online blogging site... had some random dude not decided to leave random comments in my livejournal then I never would have met him, saw his hot friend Josh on his friends list and started talking to him... had I gone to Western Illinois University instead of moving to Chicago to go to DePaul I probably wouldn't have had the freedom to buy plane tickets to Toronto since I'd have still been living under my mom's roof and she wouldn't have allowed it, then I would have never gone to Canada, then decided to randomly move there, etc, etc, etc, etc. Thinking about stuff like that makes me feel so small.
Bringing it into the context of my present day life, I can know that whatever I do, say, think, or feel can potentially have an impact on other people. I know that there is a ripple effect from the smallest things I do, like throwing out something that can easily be reused or recycled or giving a dirty look to someone who is in my way, or smiling at a random stranger and being super friendly to the person who is driving the bus I am on. It's crazy! Knowing this allows me to be more mindful of my actions, thoughts, and words, and how I live my life (which I try to, every day, based on the principles of ahimsa, or non-harming). I also think that it is important, even though I try live my life this way and have a basic understanding of Dharma, that I do not act preachy or holier than thou in how I chose to live, as that can be just as much of a turn off as someone who is angry, bitter, and resentful!