10 am
25 minutes seated
Loving kindness meditation as my house is filled with the homemade macaroni and cheese baking in the oven. I found myself paying more attention to the aroma filling my nostrils than I was paying attention to being happy, at ease, and free from suffering.
It's been a great few days to practice it as I've been down on myself and not getting questions answered and basically playing the what if and I should have game in my mind over and over, preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. What's cool now is I can see how I can get so carried away by my mental formations so in noticing that I think it's been easier for me to allow myself to know that in five years, what I'm feeling right now probably is only going to make me laugh.
During my sit I also noticed feelings of nervousness, restlessness, and just a general fear of the unknown coming into my mind and in to my life. I think most of my sit my brow was all furrowed. I kept noticing the tension in my forehead and eyebrows and having to relax it over and over again!
3h00 pm
25 minutes seated
The past month has been interesting and challenging and I have my next phone call one week from today? It feels like I'm behind and it feels like I've hardly gotten into this month at all.
I was so exhausted from being up for two-ish days that by the time I got to the yoga studio I kind of broke down and Don took my class for me. Holla for awesome coworkers. Then we talked after and it was like sitting in Frank's TT all over again. I really really really needed that refresher. And I also really need to keep telling myself that if people can show me that much kindness and compassion then I really do need to be more kind and compassionate to myself!
So I read - really really read - exercise 15 in the Satipatana (love meditation) before I sat today since I've noticed a lot of anger (towards myself) surfacing. It seems I am able to recognize the suffering of others, but have difficulty recognizing it in myself, and I'm wondering if that's what leads to me not being able to sleep at night. Yesterday when I was pretty upset, I was asked to go deeper into where I was hurting and I noticed I completely resisted to doing it until I was told to do it again. And it sucked. Really sucked. And made me cry harder. But then I noticed that even though I felt soooooooooo horrible at that moment, the moments I observed after that seemed easier and lighter. And then last night I slept for almost 8 hours. Which is the first time in eight weeks I've slept for longer than four.
Anyway, so I decided to focus on sending love to myself and observing my feelings on how I have been suffering, and how I make my own suffering worse through not calming my mental formations. I think that's why I wanted to turn my insomnia, or my tendency to panic once the lights go off, into a bell of mindfulness because really, I do think that the really hard shit is probably what I can benefit from going through the most. I still felt myself alternate between being present and nodding off, but it's a start.
With the exception of a brief 4 hours I was restlessly sleeping yesterday I've been up for pretty much 48 hours straight and am so not a happy camper.
I'm turning bouts of insomnia into a mindfulness practice and trying not to get upset about them and just focus on my breathing. I know you gave me a tonne of tips Frank, but seriously... none of them are working. I can't even walk a straight line right now and I'm supposed to be teaching. Hahahaha.
I ended up sitting around 5h30, when I gave up on trying to get to sleep before my alarm went off at seven. When you're angry and frustrated, it's hard to be compassionate with yourself, especially when your body is refusing to do something that you want it to.
9h00 am
25 minutes seated
Praise Jeebus; I didn't bounce up from sitting today!
Was focusing on sending love and kindness to myself. Brain weary as it's a new exercise and with new exercises come feelings and expectations on what I'm supposed to be "feeling". Really tired and groggy as sleep didn't come until about 4 am (better than being up all night though!). Don't know if it was because I was tired, but 25 minutes felt like three. I'm still trying to figure out if I fell asleep kneeling because I'm grasping to remember what my practice was like this morning and am having severe issues in doing so.
Keep having retarded unmindful moments. Today I lost my house keys and had no idea how and when and why. Somewhere they were lost between the back door and my bedroom. I eventually found them in my laundry hamper and have no recollection of putting them there. I'm starting to wonder if I'm just full of anxiety and failing to be honest with myself, and if I have a lot more on my mind than I'm willing to admit. It's really weird and that, in turn, creates feelings and mental formations of inadequate self worth, as when I tell people these things it's all "but you teach yoga, you SHOULDN'T be like this" or "and you call yourself a meditation teacher? People who meditate SHOULDN'T be like that". I try to be compassionate to myself and let myself know I'm just having human experiences and that I won't always have so much anxiety over finances and life and everything else. Sometimes when I'm sitting I feel like if I wasn't mentally aware of my thoughts and feelings, and wasn't able to observe them, I'd go crazy. When you stop to listen and observe, lots of scary stuff comes up. I'm happy I know now to not get swept away in the moment (80% of the time. I can only get better). :)
I really have been horrible at sitting since my last post as I have way too much to do, and when I have been able to get to my mat, I'm able to do a whole 15 minutes before I feel guilty for doing nothing and bounce up. Busy schedule, busy mind, way too much on my mind, and I haven't even started what we're supposed to be doing the next two weeks because I have had no time to review loving kindness meditations. I'm trying to be nicer to myself though. I figure it's a start.
There's been a few situations over the last couple days I could have handled more mindfully. Friday I was trying to trek over to Leah's house when I couldn't find my wallet. I exploded into panic as I had been at the dry cleaner's and grocery store earlier and was worried my wallet had slipped out of my bag on the way home from both and would have been completely gone by the time I realized it. I ran around my house panicing and swearing and all around my house, checked all my bags, etc, freaking out. Of course, the wallet was underneath my yoga bag, which I had put on the couch to pack for Leah's. Of course it was. It just amused me that instead of taking a break I just flipped my shit and got to the point where I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn't stop thinking about all the cash I had in there (birthday money) which I needed to use for bills and how they wouldn't get paid and couldn't stop panicing. Not sleeping and then panicing because I have insomnia hasn't been exactly mindful either. Praise Jesus for sugar free red bull, since that's all I'm running on these days.
There's been a few more but I can't write about them publicly. I'll try to find time to sit tonight or tomorrow but honestly I'm so exhausted right now I'll probably fall asleep if I do.
12h00 pm
on my cushion, in my bedroom
I like my new spot for sitting! I sit right in front of my fireplace. I haven't lit the candles in there yet to do meditation while staring at the flames, but I feel so much more grounded there than I did when I was sitting on my couch. Perhaps cuz I'm actually on the ground this time? ahaha. Sometimes my cat curls up next to me and naps while I sit and it's so cute to watch and then observe all my thoughts as they come up telling me how cute he is.
My heart seemed to be full of love and gratitude today. Like, literally, it felt swollen. And I couldn't stop smiling. I don't really know where any of this came from, but I just woke up feeling so awfully lucky to be here and be doing what I love and having the people in my life that I do. It was also interesting to note how I was grasping at these feelings, as I found myself telling myself that I hoped this feeling would always last (when I know damn well it won't!) and how I wished I could feel this way forever.
Like I said, I know I won't, but it's great how my mind and my heart were at ease today. And it's great how I can record all of this down so I can look back on the calm and peaceful and not so calm and peaceful times to remind myself just how much things change every single day.
9h30 am
on the cushion
My day began when I rolled out of bed and realized I didn't need to be anywhere until 6h30 pm, which is always a great feeling.
During my sit, I felt the emptiness in my stomach, which my mind recognized as hunger and noticed how my thoughts began to spin stories about how hungry I was, etc. It was interesting to observe those feelings and those formations - I noticed that I wasn't hungry all the time, and the feelings would come and go, as as they did my mind would get noisy or be quiet depending.
I added my landline/cell phone ringing to my bells of mindfulness. I think I'm going to add drinking (any liquid) as a micropractice - I'm pretty at a loss for what to add these days!
I spent three hours in silence, catching up on emails, world news, sending some emails, and making food. And mailing stuff. And trying not to be upset about things I thought I'd let go of a long time ago. Ah well. :)