It's funny, but when I first got the "meditation schedule" for our first month, I was most resistant to Du Sa Ni Ma. I didn't think I'd ever be able to "memorize" the words when we were supposed to switch them around (du sa ni ma, sa ni ma du, ni ma du sa, ma du sa ni) and this week, when the time came to practice this, felt a shitfit welling up inside of me when I woke up Monday morning.
Ironically, this is the practice which has come most easily to me. I wrote out "cheat sheets" and then realized I didn't even need them (since the first time I actually engaged in this practice was yesterday at the Service Canada centre).
Today I was all set for more practice while I waited for my name to be called at yet another Service Canada centre for my health card, but the dude at the desk rejected my application due to semantics. I think a month ago I might have blown my lid at him, but I just flashed him a smile and told him I'd be back to refile once I got my employer to change the wording on my letter of employment to what he specifically requested. Even though he let the girl in front of me go on when she didn't have half the documentation needed. Jerk.
I came home to sit instead. My cat decided to curl up in my lap and join me. He's done this sometimes. I don't know if cats can meditate or not, but Phoenix's breathing has become slower to match mine when he sits on my lap. It's really, really weird. We're never complete in sync with each other, but after about five minutes he's just purring away, taking these long inhales and exhales, almost like he's trying to match mine.
I'm finally starting to enjoy this one week in. I don't know if its because I've stopped caring if I'm "doing a good job" meditating, or because I've found a concentration excercise that works better with my brain, and I realize that tomorrow I might completely be knocked off my zafu, but for right now, I'll take it.
So I had an informal sit today and practiced breath awareness while waiting in line at a Service Canada centre to get my social insurance number extended for another three years.
Anyone who knows me has to know I'm probably the most impatient girl on the planet. I hate waiting in line. I hate moving slowly. Today at Service Canada, things seemed to be going on ultra slow mode. I was tired, cranky, slightly hung over, and was not in the mood to sit around for about 90 minutes. Of course, that is how long I sat.
About a half hour in, it was clear my name wasn't going to be called any time soon, given there were ten people waiting ahead of me, and one person processing SC casework. I felt myself getting so agitated. I felt my heart rate speed up. I felt my face grow hot and hatred for the people in front of me started to well up. Oh for fuck's sake Karina. They were there before you, they also have shit to do today and don't want to wait around any more than you do, so shut it.
I laid my head back on the chair, closed my eyes, and started to practice du-sa-ni-ma, thinking syllables on the in and out breaths. I think I got to the 3rd variation when I noticed my heart rate start to slow, the heat leave my cheeks, and feeling overall calmer. I was in a much better state to deal with people by the time my name was called - leaving my breath and going back to it. I realized that the one man processing people's cases wasn't slow - he was very nice, genuine, and thorough, and wanted to make sure each person he saw got the same amount of good attention and help that they needed. He talked and joked around with me, and said I had looked "quite peaceful" taking a nap in the chair. I felt like such an asshole since the mental formations I had been spinning about him had labeled him slow and incompetent.
I feel as if today was one of those break through sits today - and it really wasn't even a formal sit! I guess if anything I'd have to label it as micro-practicing, but wow! I feel as if I've come over a hump in my meditation and learning. This hasn't been at all easy for me to do - I feel as if I understand nothing and am having a lot of difficulty applying this to my every day life. So today, it was great to have an actual learning opportunity, recognize it as a learning opportunity, and actually SEE how I was able to apply it. Woot!
OK. Counting on exhales is entirely impossible for me. This is kind of funny, since its like playing on the upbeats of a song... and being a musician, especially a hornist, that's basically a French horn part in any Sousa marching piece. Constant upbeats. So really, this shouldn't be as hard as it's been. I switched half way through to count the inhales. Perhaps I don't want to feel like a marching band when I am sitting.
I actually did my "sit" laying down today, before my yoga class (I know, I know.). I kept my eyes open and my gaze directed to a spot on the ceiling so I would be more alert and aware. You know... it was actually a good time. I felt very still, at peace, and focused on what I was doing during my entire sit. No feet falling asleep. No nasty tingling or tight pulling in my legs. I just had a great amount of focus and found sitting - and my yoga class! - quite lovely. I was more present for this asana practice than I have been in weeks. Everything in my body seemed to work and flow together. I felt at harmony with myself and my surroundings for the first time in awhile.
Today during my sit I focused on the exhales, counting one to eight, as opposed to the inhales.
I found it more difficult to count exhales as opposed to inhales. Half way through my sit, the construction people who have been hammering and sawing ever since I walked into my apartment this afternoon started up again. I was pretty fucking annoyed and found myself getting more and more angry. Every summer. All fucking day long, that's all I hear. I have no idea what they're trying to build, and imagine all sorts of morbid things. It's just a fucking headache in my sleepy little neighbourhood. Yes, I noticed myself getting annoyed; yes, I found my way back to my breath; yes, I found my way back to my counting; yes, I realize this is what mindfulness is about - being aware and having the ability to go back to one's breath, but I think its a waste of a sit when I can't sit there and not have WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR in my head. I realize distractions are great learning opportunities, but it's been hard enough for me to meditate at studios before I teach/before I practice - so having some peace and quiet in my own home would be wonderful.
I sat this morning before I taught. If I had to label this sit, I'd say it was probably my most calming and peaceful one to date. No one was in the studio, it was about an hour before people would start to show up for class, and I was able to stay with my breath, stay with the counting, and overall just had a really pleasant experience.
Back in Waterloo again until Friday. I only have to teach today and tomorrow though (here, anyway!)
The only time I had to sit today was before I did a yang/yin class this afternoon. I only got ten minutes, as I was hoping I wouldn't be angry for asana like I was last week. Today I only counted the inhales as I counted one to eight. I found it much easier to stay on track, only counting the inhales. I noticed little wandering of the mind and no strong emotions were building up, however during asana I felt very subdued, like I had no energy. When we were in any long holds and final savasana my brain would not shut up. So it seems that I'm getting able to stay out of my brain in sitting, but asana is another story. Or maybe its because I sat before practice again. I really think its more beneficial for myself to separate the two, even if it means adjusting my schedule a little bit.
I am sooooo not present today! It's laughable!
I kept noticing that I counted past eight repeatedly - most of the time I would catch myself by 10 or 12 but one time I had counted all the way to 32 before I realized what I had done. I laughed out loud a lot today during my sit. I think I have my breathing awareness down and being focused on the breath down, but I get so focused on the counting and the breath and noticing what's going on I completely forget that I should stop counting at eight! I'm obviously not as present as I think!