I can already feel my personal release valves in this undertaking of the 800 hour course.

Currently I'm listening to the eighth section of Feuerstein's CD and already my mind is racing ahead to last four lectures, and what I'm going to be doing after that, and how I'm going to study, and what I'm going to read, and where I'm going to study...

Presence Karina. Presence.

Although my official start date for my Traditional Yoga Studies course with Georg Feuerstein isn't until June 1st, I have started the preparation (listening to his audio CD, The Lost Teachings of Yoga) this week, as these next few weeks are going to be really busy and I'd rather get a leg up now before I'm stressing myself out, forgetting that I have three years to get through these 800 hours and it doesn't have to be done in one month.

I don't even think with one month of solitude one would even be able to undertake and complete all 800 hours!

I had an opportunity to practice mindfulness today when I spilled boiling hot coffee all down the front of me. Did I? Nah. I screamed and swore and ripped my clothes off and ran around the house naked trying to clean it up. After that drama, I decided to strive to turn this experience into a mindfulness practice by allowing myself to pay attention to my breath, notice the stinging pain of the hot coffee on my belly, boobs, thighs, crotch... it wasn't as awful as I was imagining. No blistering. Just pink. I'd live. I also decided to not let it ruin my Sunday morning and stuck with my original plan of making meals to reheat over the course of the week, while listening to The Lost Teaching of Yoga on mp3.

Even though I'm being all studious and reading and writing and studying and meditating, my asana practice is suffering. I have very little free time these days, and it makes my personal practice non-existant, as the times I am free isn't when I get get to a class in a studio. This makes for practicing self discipline, but I can only do so much yin yoga or non heated Moksha or P90X yoga at my home. I also hate hate hate practicing on carpeting. I need to find my way to my mat soon, especially now that I am gearing up for Level II training in Costa Rica.

After the long weekend I am going to make a more conscious effort to get to an asana class three times per week. I have 180 days until Costa Rica and should be more worried about practicing yoga than fitting into a swim suit. I'm also going to make more of an effort to write about my yoga journeys in here as I've really abandoned this blog (again, life happens) and want to really learn. I feel like I've been going through a huge self growth transformation since March and want to record that.

This is what I shall do.

“This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body” – Walt Whitman



I feel like no matter how settled I think I am, my life can go off in 1000 different directions on a moment's notice.

I applied for social work jobs in the UK this morning since I'm so fearful of not getting my contract extended and not getting a job in Toronto. I didn't want to head overseas until I got permanent residency here, but more than anything I need money, and I need to move to where the money is. Hence my also applying for jobs in Montreal, Halifax, Vancouver, Los Angeles, San Diego, and all over Hawaii.

I feel like the one thing that is the biggest barrier for me currently is money. I'm terrified I'll have to move back to Chicago, and I know that I'll be even worse off there than I am here - cuz this time around I won't have access to a car to get me places, I'll have maybe one or two friends as opposed to the whole network of friends I have here, and more family drama I prefer to distance myself from. I have considered moving back, but when I weigh the pros and cons, there are so many more cons than there are pros. I truly think moving back would be a huge step back for me.

But if my contract doesn't get extended and I can't find a job, what are my other options? Sure I can go back to full time yoga teaching, but that's only sustainable for a short time. $2000/month doesn't allow me to save for anything, nor pay off debts. Since I've been working for COTA, I was able to pay off and cancel three credit cards, finance my trips to Vancouver, Germany, and Costa Rica, and over all not stress out about money to the point where I lost sleep.

If I woke up tomorrow morning and my life was perfect I'd:
have a full time permanent position at COTA
have enough money to pay down my debt
have a smooth application process with immigration Canada
have a voice teacher
be planning some nice European vacation minus psychotic German boys
be in a healthy, reciprocated, passionate, romantic relationship with a man who treats me like the queen that I am
be in a position to do the things I need to do so I can go back to school and get a college diploma or a master's degree in music therapy

I feel like I'm stuck in this vortex and all this shit is spinning around me and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or where the fuck I'm going. And there's this huge big financial piece that is standing in the way and I don't know what to do about it. I also feel like I wasted too much time in undergrad and don't know how I'm going to commit to doing something else, when I'd like to get married, I'd like to start a family, and I don't see how that is possible to do both.

In all honesty, I just want to fucking cry.

*edit*

on the flip side, I guess it's better to be stressed about having too much opportunity than upset because I don't have enough. Still am gonna spend the next half hour crying though. Then I need to get over it cuz I gotta go teach.

I need a job where I can:

-make music
-help others
-create beauty
-travel the world
-engage in scientific research.

Let's make that happen.

I love you more than anything. You changed my life and helped me become the person I am today. You make me smile when I am down, and when I get too high you know how to gently bring me down. You've taught me so much about love. Thank you for walking into my life. Thank you for being you. Thank you for everything.

Project B: Question 13

Any other additional comments or observations you wish to share?

Nope!

Hurray!