5h30 pm
15 minutes

I've started a new job working in mental health. Today, a lot of stuff came up in my sit; and I cried some. Hence the 15 minutes; I had to get up to blow my nose.

I'm having difficulty adjusting to my new schedule, and I don't have a day off until December 23rd. Thinking about that also contributed to me being a little stressed out; as I've said before it's difficult for me to sit still when I have so much to do and know I could be being "productive" if I wasn't sitting... which is where mindfulness practices come in.

I find it so funny when yoga and meditation stress me the hell out.

10am
20 seated/day of mindfulness

It's hard for me to write about "days of mindfulness" as I live alone, don't really talk much, and have so many micropractices that really, almost every day is a day of mindfulness.

Nothing really came up during my sit. I felt kind of bored but not distracted. Kept wanting to check the clock, and kept resisting until the alarm went off.

11h15 am
20 minutes

Very aware of all feelings and sensations today. It seemed every time my head tilted slightly the smell of a bonfire filled my nostrils, reminding me of an awesome evening the night before. Legs tingling, left calf feeling like I'm going to get a charlie horse, head kind of hurting, and then the cat decides to repeatedly headbutt my hands because he wants some lovin'.

At the 20 minute mark, kitty won and got scooped up and snuggled until my alarm went off.

Sometimes I feel like this journal is more of a way for me to keep a record of my distractions than a record of my meditation practices.

8 am
25 minutes seated

Tired, groggy. Out late last night celebrating my new found employment with an amazing mental health agency. Headache. Fun to observe headaches, as mine tend to move around my brain and don't stay in any particular area. Found it too difficult to kneel so I "sat" in savasana.

Feelings of longing and grasping as I should be back in Chicago for Thanksgiving but I'm here, and missing my family. Allowed this feeling to spin into a story about how I should suck it up as I'm the one who chose to live so far away. These thoughts are the ones that make me the most upset, I think, especially because my grandparents aren't getting any younger, and they pretty much raised me, and now I see them perhaps once a year. Things like this shouldn't make me sad... it's impermanence, and a natural process to get older and move out and live your life and experience awesome things, and I have! And I'm grateful! And I realize that growing old and death are a part of life.

I started to focus less on what I was missing and more on loving kindness, to myself and my loved ones that I couldn't be with today. Thankful to be gainfully employed. Thankful to have two "homes", along with family and friends in many other cities across the world. Thankful to be ridiculously in love. Thankful for my cat, the roof over my head, my yoga, my meditation, public transportation, free health care, my happiness, my sadness, the people who annoy me, everything everything everything. The TV show Glee even! My teaching! My teachers! So much to be thankful for on this day and always.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

I find it so hilarious that whenever someone tells me to let go, I get more and more angry. I just couldn't let go of The Grump today. I have nothing to be grumpy about.

Sat today before asana practice. I couldn't stop moving, couldn't stop opening my eyes, couldn't sit up straight, couldn't stop looking around the room. I was so not there it wasn't even funny. I just fucking annoyed by the time the teacher came into the room, which spilled over into my practice, and annoyance just turned to sheer anger and rage. I felt absolutely nothing throughout practice and several times, almost got up to leave. I didn't feel like practicing today, but went anyway hoping that I'd feel different after, and no. I don't know. Lately I've just been uninspired to sit, uninspired to practice, and uninspired to teach. I really hate these periods (although I must say they do turn me into a better teacher) and I'm grateful to have some time off next week after Wednesday. Of course, I'm hating the fact I'm not making money and hating the fact I ended up not being able to go home for Yanksgiving but downtime and a stay-cation in Toronto is perhaps what I need.

So today, I think I'm just going to be Angry Buddha. Tomorrow hopefully I'll be a different Buddha. And Ill try not to make my flow class this evening too intense, for the sake of my students. :P

11h15ish
on the subway

Hi! Remember me? I practiced on the subway today on my way home from teaching. I find if I draw awareness to my breath while on the subway and close my eyes, I'm less likely to fall asleep and miss my stop.

Bout of insomnia last night brought about bells of mindfulness. Resisted the urge to panic and spin stories about how I'm going to be up all night and pass out in my classes this morning, and just made sure I kept my eyes shut, my forehead unwrinkled, and my breath calm. Feelings of anger towards the cat as he kept clawing at my window catterwauling because one of the neighbourhood cats decided to sleep on my patio furniture, which apparently pissed Phoenix off. He didn't stop until I yanked him away from the window, tucked him under my arm like a football, and forced him to lay down next to me. Ahhh quiet. I think I fell in and out of sleep around 2 am. I don't remember sleeping, missed both alarms, and the only reason I woke up was because Phoenix was biting my face. I somehow managed to fly out the door in ten minutes, ignoring my morning mindfulness practices.

Fighting sleep on the subway home. Also feeling paranoia and disgust as people are coughing and sneezing around me and not bothering to cover up. Wondering if deep vs. shallow breathing are more/less likely to earn me H1N1 with people seeming so sick around me. Distracted. Relief as my subway stop was called and I got to leave the train - relief from leaving the sickos or relief from "sitting", I couldn't tell which :)

1h50 pm
25 minutes seated

I just want to point out... I'm such a huge bliss head. hahahah.

Began sitting by contemplating the fourth foundation of mindfulness. Mind quickly moved to other things like, boys, money, and jobs. Felt this huge bubble of happiness just above my heart and couldn't stop smiling. Or rocking from side to side as if I became a metronome. Stillness, apparently, wasn't an option for me today. I didn't notice my alarm go off, but noticed I had finished my sit when I impatiently opened my eyes to check to see if I was almost done. Weird.

Last night my "sit" was a fifteen minute guided meditation in one of my yoga classes. I hadn't done guided meditation in a long time and I enjoyed it. I need to see if there's anything around here that could offer me that on a more regular basis.

Yoga'asana has been really strong lately. I feel like I'm over my laziness hump and back to actually doing productive things. Like, you know, moving my limbs. haha