10 am
20 minutes, on my cushion

So taking FBJ's advice today, I "just sat" and "did nothing". Didn't meditate, didn't think about impermanence, nothing about exercises 13-15 in Breathe!, nothing.

And I giggled a lot.

Thought about what I'd say at my job interview and kept reviewing mental illnesses in my mind, what I'd say, what I'd wear, if I should wear my hair up or down...

Got at charlie horse at the 20 minute mark, and stood up to walk it out.

4h30
25 minutes seated


Nothing ground breaking today. It's weird because it's a show week and usually all my mind does is serenade me whilst sitting. Ah well. Last performance is tonight; maybe it's already terminating what I've learned? hahaha

I don't know if its because I'm focusing on impermanence in my breaths during my sit, or because it's autumn going into winter, but I see it all around me. I'm even more sensitive to it in my emotions. I've had several times this week where my mind has been about to take me on an emotional roller coaster but I was able to tell myself how these things I'm worried about won't matter always, and things are they way they are and how things might be crappy, but just because they were crappy, I didn't really need to suffer by them. Hello mindfulness flood light!

4h00 pm
cushion
25 minutes

First time sitting in almost a week!

Surprisingly, the mind was pretty calm today. I hadn't much to do today so I was relatively relaxed and unstressed. This was the first time in awhile! I observed the impermanence of my breath. It reminded me of the breath concentration exercises we did way back in the beginning. But it was nice to just notice the breath as it moves in and out. Some are shorter, some are longer, some are deep and some make me want to take a bigger breath the next time I inhale. I find when I focus on one thing, such as breathing, or a mantra, or a chant, the psychos in my brain stop chattering.

You know. I really suck at finding time to sit. Every month I tell myself it will get better, and every month, better just doesn't happen.

I will seriously do yoga until the cows come home.

Finding a time during the day where I can kneel on my cushion for a solid half hour is a completely different story.

Fourth Month Assignment

As I sit down to write this month’s assignment, there is a little add at the top of my gmail window:

Hey There Negative Person
Ur Negativity Is Bringing You Down. See What Happier Can Do About That.
www.happier.com


I’ll take that as a hint to lighten up.

I feel like I have yogini’s writer’s block, so I don’t know how this will turn out, but here goes.

Starting in a seated, comfortable position, close your eyes and relax your face. Try not to move your eyeballs around in your head. Try to relax the tongue away from the roof of the mouth, let the jaw open and drop and bring the teeth away from each other. Notice if you’re holding tension in the shoulders, neck, or upper back. Breathe into any areas you feel tension in and try to ease that away through breathing. Draw your awareness any thoughts, or mental formations which might be coming up in the mind. See these thoughts for what they are. Notice that they are there, and try not to let them turn into stories. Don’t try to purposely activate the mind, letting primary thoughts become secondary thoughts, etc. Just keep coming back to your breathe. Just sitting. Just breathing. Just being open and noticing everything that is going on.

At the sound of the bell, allow the eyes to open. Gently come on to all fours, with the wrists below the shoulders, and the knees below the hips. From a table top pose, inhale, and tilt the tailbone and the gaze up towards the ceiling, coming into cow pose. Exhale into cat pose. Use your breath to wake the body up, again noticing if any thoughts are arising in the mind. Try to seem them for just what they are, not dwelling on them or creating stories.

From table top, use your breath to get back to a neutral spine, and curl the toes under to extend the sit bones to the ceiling, coming into downward dog. See if you feel any relief in this pose. See if you feel tension. See if your mind starts to create stories about this posture. From here, bring 80% of the weight into the palms of your hands. Notice how this changes your breathing. Notice if even more thoughts start to pile up into the brain as we ask ourselves how much longer we’ll have to hold this pose. Draw more of the weight back into the feet, and notice if we start to create stories of relief and happiness as we make our way back to a more equal weight distribution. Slowly start to walk the feet up in between the hands, bending the knees if you need to so the spine can lengthen towards the floor, the head and the neck can relax, and the fingertips can touch the floor in a passive forward bend.

Notice if you feel any relief from downward dog here. Notice if your mind is clinging to that relief, and anticipating any posture that might or might not be coming up in your asana practice. Bring the hands to the hips and with a straight spine, inhale your way back to standing.

With the feet firmly rooted into the floor, arms at the sides, notice if there is any clinging or grasping with the mind – was there an urge to go from a passive forward bend to an active one? Is the mind longing to fold the body in half again so we can get more of a stretch and release through the hamstrings? Or are we present in the body, in the brain, and being right here, right now? Observe the sensations in the feet, the legs, moving up the body, doing a bit of a scan. Draw the ears so that they’re in line with the shoulders, and try to grow two inches taller by lengthening through the crown of the head. At the same time, press into the big toe mounds of the feet, firmly rooting the feet into the floor to get a solid standing foundation. Just be right here in tadasana.

Mindfully make your way so that you are laying back on down on your mat. Try to feel the body relaxing further towards the floor with each exhale you take. Notice if your mind is coming up with stories about today’s practice, and see the thoughts as thoughts, the breath as breath, and the stillness as stillness. We are just bringing awareness to what is going on in the mind, and the body, and trying to be present with that. Try to allow the body to relax into a state of mind where thoughts aren’t coming up, stories aren’t being told, and we are just present with our breathing, in and out. Namaste.

2h00 pm
10 minutes

Found it really hard to concentrate this afternoon as I have too much on my mind (haha, when don't I?). Asana practice was all over the place and I felt pretty angry the entire time. In the middle of my sit I thought about how I have an assignment due and decided to end my sit so I could work on that, which brings me to 40 minutes later and I'm still staring at a blank word document on my computer screen. I feel like I've hardly had a chance to actually sit and think and engage in the third foundation of mindfulness this month and therefore, feel like I don't have anything to offer because I'm not so sure myself if I understand it. I guess, to me, it just feel like the same things I have been studying for the last four months, and therefore, I'm grasping and trying to find that one little "different" thing, to make this month's practice, meditation, and savasana unique. I'm literally at a writer's block and don't really know what to do.

I keep forgetting my micropractices this week and it's making me pissy.

Frank, you used to post questions for contemplation to the board (taking refuge, etc etc etc). I haven't seen any questions for contemplation with regards to the Moksha training. Would it be at all possible if you could perhaps post some? If you did and I missed it, totally my bad :)

2h00 pm
25 minutes

Whenever I'm preparing for a show and I sit I can't get music out of my head. Today it was Britten's War Requiem, which I'm performing next week for Remembrance Day. I felt completely distracted, as instead of focusing on kindness and love and easing away anger, I found myself singing whole tone scales in my mind, then lightly humming, raising my eyebrows, practicing... jesus h. christ. I felt frustrated to say the least.

Breath concentration. Kickin' it back old school to du-sa-ni-ma. There we go. Breath becomes calm, brain becomes silent. Echos of whole tone scales in the back but they're not in the front of my brain so that's ok. Feel my heart start to get more calm. Fidget a little as I feel my shins get prickly. Feel warmth in the center of my chest and bring a bit of a smile to my lips. Notice tingles, notice hunger, breathe breathe breathe. Totally get startled when my alarm buzzes. Feel like the zen's been kicked out of me. Ah well.