11h40am
20-25 minutes seated practice before yoga

I remember when I first started sitting and would try to sit before I'd take a yoga class and how distracted I'd get with everything and then I'd end up having a shitty asana practice.

Month four, and I found I am able to just presently "observe" distractions. It was weird though, returning to sit on blocks after having nice sits on my new meditation cushion. I could really feel it in my knees and shins, and it makes such a difference when you have a good "seat" to do your sit. I'd say my most major distractions weren't people coming in and out of the room (although the gal next to me threw her mat down on the floor which startled me and made me jump... studio etiquette, anyone?) but the tinglyness in my shins, ankles, and toes. I felt impatience to end my sit because it was uncomfortable and mindfully tried to adjust how I was seated but it only relieved some of the pressure.

No more angry asana practice either, which was welcome. My practice went like I LOVE YOGA! *fidget fidget fidget* I LOVE YOGA! *jump around on the mat fidget fidget* I LOVE YOGA! *dance around on the mat shaking my hips* My mind was calm but my body was so damn jumpy. It was slightly annoying, and I couldn't help but to laugh.

3h00pm
bedroom, on cushion

I've been having major issues with insomnia so sits have been groggy, out of it, sloppy, slothy, and a million other creative adjectives. With that, comes the intense desire to nap whenever I close my eyes. It's so funny how I spend so much of my day coming to the present, and being mindful, and calming the mind, but as soon as the lights go out and I try to do the same so I can sleep, my brain will not shut off. It's so frustrating.

Trying to figure out what I'd like my bell of mindfulness to be, or another micropractice, and my brain just ain't havin' it right now.

10h00 am
just after getting back from the gym

Finding stillness and sitting after I get back from a hard work out is always an interesting experience, because it serves to me as a reminder that the body is never quite still. Although this month we're focusing more on mental formations and what is going on in the mind, it was cool to sit with my body for a few moments as I felt different muscles throb, pulse, quiver, and find their way to relaxation. I was also quite aware of all the tension I was carrying between my shoulders and felt like I wasn't able to relax enough to ease the tension.

My mind ticked off lists of things I need to do, and I felt stress come into my body as I noticed my heart beating a little louder. I kind of laughed, because it was funny how rapid thoughts had such an impact on my physical body! Its like stress is my automatic reaction as soon as my mind tells me I have to do this and this and this and this and this today. Two days off from teaching, but I still have 8-10 hours of rehearsals as I have a show on Saturday, and my brain was just not having relaxation and quiet!

Impatience as I checked my cell phone 10 minutes before I was to end my sit. I actually ended bouncing up with five minutes to go so I could jump in the shower to "start my day".

Also debating on what I meant by "mindful tea making practice". My mom was right when she used to tell me a watched pot never boils, and waiting for my tea kettle to start making noise has been a hard practice, as often times I'm left to stare at it for 5-10 minutes waiting for water to boil. I'll have to reconsider that mindful practice.

10h00 am

So groggy and spacey, as I just woke up. Because of this though, I felt I was able to "drop" into a calm, relaxed mind quicker than usual. At some points during the sit this morning I felt resentful, as I had to teach today while everyone else was at the Noah Levine workshop. And by "everyone else" I knew it was just a few other fellow teachers and friends and my brain was causing me suffering by blowing things out of proportion. It was pretty cool to be able to call myself out on my own shit!

I guess that was the pivotal moment of today's sit.

25 minutes
in my bedroom, on my new meditation cushion

I finally have my new cushion, which made sitting today fun (yay test drive!) and something I was looking forward to. Kind of reluctant to add another five minutes.

I feel as though the wordier these exercises get, the farther away I get from calming and quieting the mind and more paranoia I develop from "Am I doing it right?" syndrome. I feel like they kind of take away the experience of sitting in itself.

Despite new exercises nothing really came up for me today. It was like I was just there. Impatience at the 20 minute mark, when I checked the time to see how much longer I had left. Added another micropractice, which are all now located at the top right hand corner of this blog.

Thrid month project - asana and meditation through the second foundation of mindfulness

I feel like I'm having a hard time doing my third month project. I guess it's because I felt like I struggled so much through the first three weeks that I don't really "get it". This is my own perfectionistic attitude sinking in, I think, and the stories I create that I'm this girl who is studying the foundations of mindfulness and therefore I should be able to teach them because I practice most days per week and therefore should be able to understand these teachings well. I don't really even like to think about it because I feel myself getting agitated. Like, is someone were to say to me: Karina, tell me what the second foundation of mindfulness is about! My only response would be: seeing feelings as they are so that we can bring joy and happiness to our life. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Maybe it's all really nothing.

But if it's nothing then why bother studying it?

I'm guessing that is where I'm struggling with everything.

Anyway. Project 3.
***

Begin your practice in a comfortable seated position, with the back straight or supported. Follow your breath, as it moves in and out of the body. Quiet the mind. Notice any thoughts that might be coming into the mind. Start to think of something you experience in your life that brings you joy. As we breathe in, start to feel the joy permeate the body. Maybe you notice that your lips are turned up slightly. Maybe you notice a bit of energy at heart centre, or feel a swelling in the heart. It's easy to get caught up in this joy as it permeates the body. Notice if your mind starts to get swept away by joy. As joy comes into the mind and body, notice how the body starts to calm. Notice if there are any other feelings in the mind of the body - are the pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral? How are you reacting to these pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral feelings? Try not to hold on to these feelings you experience, just accept them for what they are. As the bell sounds, draw your awareness to the sound as you open up your eyes. Bring your palms into prayer, and bow.

Make your way into table top pose. Knees below the hips, shoulders below the wrists. Spread all of your fingers out on your mat, curl the toes under, and press back into downward dog. You can pedel your feel back and forth a few times, waking the body up after your sit. Relax the calves and press the heels towards the floor and try to lose any tension you might still be holding in the lower parts of the legs. If you can't press your heels all the way towards the floor, that is quite alright. Notice if any feelings or thought come up on what you feel this pose "should" look like. Press into the thumb and index fingers and draw the shoulder blades back onto the spine so the heart is melting towards the feet. Again, draw awareness to any feelings or sensations coming into the mind, or the body. Try to let go of having to do the perfect Yoga Journal cover pose and know that the downward dog you are doing is your best downward dog for today.

Draw the gaze in between your palms, bend the knees, and hop or jump forward to the top part of the mat, bringing your feet between your hands. Bends the knees if you like, so the belly is resting on top of the thighs, providing support to the lower back. You can let the arms dangle, swaying from side to side like elephant trunks, or you can grab opposite elbows, gently swaying back and forth. Relax your head and your neck towards the floor - no creases or tension in the neck! Notice feelings in the mind - are you feeling relief to be out of downward dog? Is the feeling of relief being replaced by anticipating when we're going to come back to standing in mountain pose as the blood pools into our head? Observe any grasping, aversion, relief, or anticipation as we hang out here in a passive forward bend.

Press into your big toe mounds, bend the knees, and slowly roll your way back up to standing, stacking the vertebrae on top of each other. Really try to feel the entire length of your spine as you come to stand in mountain pose. Bring the ears in line with your shoulders. Step the right foot back about four feet, and turn the foot so that the arch is in line with the front foot's heel. Turns the torso towards the right. Heel-toe the back foot out even more, so that the front thigh is parallel to the floor, and the knee is just over the ankle. Press into the back leg, making sure the weight of the body is evenly distributed between the two feet. Bring your arms up like you're reaching for opposite sides of the room; arms are parallel to the floor. Turning your head towards the left hand will allow for a stretch through the side of the neck. Notice what comes into the mind as we continue to deeply breathe in this posture. You might want to release it. Your mind might become irritated because I keep talking, and all you want me to say is tell you to release the pose. Notice where you're holding tension in the body, or if any parts are tingling. Stay with those feelings. Release the arms, and again, draw awareness to sensations or feelings of relief as we release this pose by heel-toeing the right foot back in towards the left, stepping the feet together. Repeat on the other side.

Come to lie on your back, feet hip with apart, shoulder blades rolled under the back body, eyes closed. Notice any relief or aversion to being in corpse pose. Some of us may appreciate to relief, and some of us may feel the need wiggle and fidget. Draw your awareness to wherever you feel your breath and breathe here, for awhile. Bring your attention to your skin, and start to feel the skin softening and relaxing into a state of calm. As we breathe, feel the calm soak into just below the skin's surface, calmness permeating the muscles, tissues, and internal organs. Allow this calmness to sink into the bones, feeling them soften, and relax. Stay here as long as you wish, observing thoughts or feelings as they pass through the mind. Namaste.

8h00 am
on my couch, back supported

I can breathe through both nostrils so yaaaay. Nothing really came up during my sit. I'm kind of anticipating starting a new teaching endeavor with New Leaf this week, so feelings of nervousness, feelings of how the hell do I teach these kids, sequencing, etc kept popping into my mind. I'm probably blowing things out of proportion and making a big deal out of nothing. I'll probably get there Wednesday and everything will be fine. I keep putting unnecessary pressure on myself, which is a bit of a habit of mine. So, that's been filling my sits.

Mindful netti potting has been an experience too. Usually when I netti I keep thinking about the day ahead and all the stuff I need to do. I still catch myself doing that. It's interesting drawing attention to the actual experience though. Sometimes it feels great, sometimes there's a lot of pressure in my sinuses, sometimes I put in too much salt, and sometimes the water is too hot. I don't think I've been really awake to the actual experience of netti-ing since I've started the practice back in April.

I also feel like I'm moving farther and farther away from my regular friends. Or I should say, friends who don't share an asana or a sitting practice like I do. I receive drunk text messages, instant messages telling me how high they are, etc and I roll my eyes. Not that I've stopped drinking all together, but I just don't think that's all there is to life. I'd honestly rather spend my Friday evening at a kirtan or a workshop or just hanging out at one of the studios I teach at than at a bar getting ploughed. I've started to notice how some of my friends make such a huge deal out of shit that doesn't matter. I also read through journals of mine and notice how I often have done the same. And probably will continue to do the same, though hopefully not as much! I also find myself too timid to draw their awareness to the root of their complaining. I guess I feel scared I'll be shot down in trying to help. And because they're friends, and not a client, I know I'm less likely to be compassionate with the way I word things and will more than likely be pretty blunt in anything I have to say. It's so funny and so human how we can be so kind to a complete stranger and with our own loved ones so short and impatient.