I didn't sit today because I'm too sick and keep dozing off but I keep forgetting to write that my micro practice this week is netti-ing.

6h30 pm
standing against a wall, siiiiiiiiiick

I've decided there is just no good way to breathe when the nose is stuffy. However, my lovely snot tends to drain when I stand, so today was all about standing meditation.

I would definitely say the feeling tone was pretty unpleasant. Even though I can breathe better, I feel like standing takes up too much energy, which I really don't have right now. Before I knew it, I felt anger and frustration arise. I think if this practice has taught me anything, is that, as much as I like to think I'm so much calmer and serene and shit, I still have some pretty deep rooted anger issues (and self worth, but that's a different journal entry). It's pretty humbling. I really don't understand why I get so pissed at stupid shit, like being sick or a runny nose or an uncomfortable posture. Yet a significant other can use me and walk all over me and I do nothing about it and don't get angry because I love them. Hmm. Maybe that ties into self worth after all.

Anyway, yes. Today I decided to just let the anger come up and I actually resisted the urge to return to my couch, because I knew that if I sat down, my nose would run, I'd breathe through my mouth, and I'd still feel uncomfortable. I also knew that I wouldn't be in this state forever, and knowing that helped me quiet my mind and allowed me to relax a little. My cat kept running between my feet and meowing, offering a lot of distractions. However, he was rubbing up on my calves, which made me feel really happy since he's so damn cute, and that brought a more pleasant feeling to my practice.

Also, if anyone would like to be really awake, please take DayQuil. I have no idea what's in that shit, but I promise you it makes you so present you feel like you're having an out of body experience and can observe every single thing that your head cold is putting you through. I swear to god I thought I was going to go crazy this morning. I had never been so present with the mucous in my head.

8h00 am
on my couch, siiiiiiiiick

I have a crappy cold right now. I've been trying to fight it off since last week but I think last night my body called it quits, as I was unable to relax enough to fall asleep the night before and only ended up having about three hours of sleep.

It's so hard to breathe through your mouth when you're tying to calm the mind and relax it and quiet it. They're not kidding when they say mouth breathing induces flight or fight hormones! Instead of finding calm, my heart rate sped up, my brain was going a mile a minute, and I was finding myself extremely frustrated as lately, alllll I want is peace and quiet. I got up after ten minutes because my nose kept draining into my throat and I kept choking and blaaaaaaaaaah tomorrow will be better.

8h10ish am
on the subway

My ipod died the second I walked into the subway today to go teach. Great. Somehow I found a seat, closed my eyes, and decided to sit, since the opportunity presented itself and in all honesty, I knew I wouldn't get to it today unless I did it right then and there.

It's always so much more challenging to drop "down" into that state of mind when there are so many things going on around you to distract you. I totally felt the guy sitting across from me staring at me, which made me feel really uncomfortable. I dropped my head a little towards my chest to make it look like I was sleeping. Obviously, I am still having issues with allowing people to see that I'm meditating on the subway. Even though people sit there picking their nose, cutting their nails, doing their makeup, scraping dead skin off their arms, etc, for whatever reason, I feel uncomfortable with allowing other people to see that I'm trying to stay present and find stillness.

Not listening to music allowed me to listen to people talking on the subway. A group of giggly high school girls got on the subway and started talking about the latest and greatest at these expensive designer clothes stores. I felt anger arise (unpleasant feeling tone!) because there is so much more to life than designer clothes, there is no reason to broadcast to the entire subway car so loudly how daddy gives you his credit card so you can buy shit and look cool, and talking shit about the fashion sense of classmates that are not with you that, in your opinions, look "retarded".

Then I remember the designer purses I have in dust bags in my closet, and how one of my favourite TV shows is "Gossip Girl" and decided that I wasn't really that different from those girls. The unpleasant feelings I was experience were also probably deeply rooted frustrations I've had with myself over the same thing - affording designer clothes, wearing the latest and greatest, shit talking about people to compensate for my own shortcomings. I'm happy that I'm past that (mostly), and that I've grown up and realized that there is more to life than that. I hope those girls realize that one day too. I think that might be compassion developing?

After that realization, I tuned them out. Every time the subway chimes rang I took three deep breaths to allow my wandering brain to come right back to the present. It still felt like it took forever for the subway train to get to my stop though, just like it did a few weeks back as well. Trying to let go of impatience.

2h00pm
on my couch, back supported.

Even though I do not have anything going on for the rest of today, I felt resistance to sitting. Which is stupid, considering I had nowhere else to be, its 2 pm, I'm already in my PJs, and my day, as far as I'm concerned, is done (blissful, blissful days when I only have to teach two classes). Perhaps I just wanted to do more of nothing instead of exploring my mind and how scary it can sometimes be? haha.

So resisting in and of itself leads to unpleasant feelings arising during the first couple moments of my sit. Because I felt my mind was busy, and I was kind of starting to get impatient already, I did concentration exercises for the first couple of minutes. I think my frustration arises because I feel like my brain won't stop some days... when I know, full well, that that is just the nature of the mind. And it happens to everyone. And becoming frustrated leads to more unpleasant feelings and creates more internal chaos. I know this is probably the sixth time I've written those sentences out, but I feel as if I need to keep drawing awareness to this so eventually I can just kind of "get it" and let it go. I think it's the indigo child in me - things should be this way, should be that way, blah blah blah.

I also noticed myself drifting in and out of presence today. Like I would be observing what's going on, then it's like I'd black out? And then remember that I am supposed to be sitting and observing, and not hanging out in lala land. It's true.

My ego is also going to pat itself on the back right now for not looking at my clock once. :)

6h30 am
on my couch, back supported

So cold this morning. So hard to get out of bed and onto my couch. Wrapped a few blankets around me to stop shivering. It's semi hilarious when you're trying to find stillness, your teeth are chattering like woodpeckers, and your body is kind of jerking around like you're going to have a seizure. Thought about whether these feelings were pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. I decided on neutral, as it wasn't making me joyful, but it wasn't making me upset either. Coldness was just there. Once I warmed up and stopped shivering (it felt like forever, but I'm sure it was only a few minutes) I would say it was quite a pleasant feeling. Noticed myself grasping for this warmth to remain, and felt resistance to ending my sit (because wonders never cease) so I could avoid the cold again.

I wasn't sleepy this morning, so it was easy to be alert and aware and notice things come up. My mind was pretty calm this morning. Slight irritation because my cat kept talking and trying to get my attention so I could let him into the solarium (which I won't because it's too drafty and I don't want the cold air in my house). Irritation was definitely unpleasant.

Impatience in the last few seconds of my sit, despite earlier resistance to ending it. I opened up my eyes to go look at my alarm and it went off in my hand. Figures.

8h30 am
on couch, back supported

So I lied about re-starting yesterday. Sorry.

It's becoming increasingly more difficult to find time to do any sort of formal practice. I really need to focus on my asana practice right now so I've been paying more attention to that, enganging in mindful walking meditation every time I leave my house.

My mind was ginormously busy this morning during my sit. I had just finished a hard workout and it was cool to notice how my muscles throbbed and I could almost feel the blood pooling into them, helping to repair and heal them. I guess if we're going to be disecting our practice it was almost a pleasant tone? Some people might not like the throbbing or slight soreness they experience after a work out, but I LOVE that and it was cool to draw my focus to that today.

Added sirens to my bell of mindfulness. So now we have text messages and sirens.

In micro practicing I'm eating mindfully, teeth brushing mindfully, washing dishes mindfully... let's go with preparing food mindfully this week.