2h30 pm
my apartment
I can't get bits and pieces of Handel's Messiah out of my head as I get to my couch. I've been dancing and waltzing to myself and through my yoga classes today, and I guess meditation isn't going to be any different? Well here we go.
Breathing in, allowing the body to be calm. Feeling joy.
Rejoice, rejoice, oh daughters of Zion...
I decided to let myself rejoice. That's bringing about awareness of joy, right? Noticing extreme amounts of joy and happiness around me. Thought about how I wanted that feeling to last, and realized I was grasping, and potentially creating suffering.
Handel danced his way out of my head, and along came Mozart. Feeling myself slowly starting to rock from one sits bone to the other, the overature from The Marriage of Figaro playing through my head. I think this is the first time there's been no chatter, only music, going on in my head, so it's a different feeling for me and I don't know if I should switch to a concentration exercise or try to let it play on. I decide to let it play on. Classical music never hurt anyone.
Continue noticing feelings of happiness and joy. Drawing awareness to the grasping I feel whenever pleasant sensations bubble up inside me. Noticing pleasant feelings rise up during my sit.
Alarm rings! Time flew by!
3h30 pm
My apartment
contemplation on exercises 5-8 in the anapanasati sutra.
Terribly difficult to be joyful as I sat. I questioned my bad mood as I begin my sit - on my couch, back supported. During my sit, I realized I needed to stop thinking so negatively about some things currently going on in my life. In addition to that, I need to be ok with things not going well.
Frank reminded me of this in our phone call tonight - that mindfulness isn't just about generating peace and bliss and calm - its about learning how to observe and be ok with what is going on around you; the suffering is what's created when we grasp and cling (mental formations!!) to the good, creating longing for what is good. I do this so much, especially now since I've experienced that joy and bliss and rapture and the desire to cling is sooooo there! It's like heroin for the brain sometimes. Or rather, I think I fully understand drug addiction now. I mean, I got it before since I'm an ex smoker, and quitting cigarettes was THE hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, but I never experienced joy and bliss from smoking a cigarette.
I'm going to start simple with my micropractice and will dedicate this week to mindfully brushing my teeth.
Sat. Felt bitter. Cried. Tried to do body decomposition meditation but decided to just go back to simple breath concentration exercises. Rearranged the furniture in my apartment while sitting (in my head, of course. My telepathic powers aren't that keen yet). Mentally busy.
Applied for jobs. Caught up on emails. Drafted recommendation letters. Finished a few job applications. Wished myself luck. Went to take a yoga class. Lightly cleaned.
Ended by silence by sitting at my piano warming up my vocal cords. Felt extreme sadness as for whatever reason, my heart is completely blocked right now and you can totally tell when I sing. Perfect technique doesn't mean anything if you're not living or singing from your heart. Uuuuugh.
1h30 pm
on my couch, back supported.
So much reluctance to sit. So stressed out. So upset about so many things. Try to calm my breath, which has been so hard to do lately.
Start to imagine my body decomposing. Feel a smile spread across my lips and wonder why the hell I am thinking this is fun. Feel the flesh come off, exposing facial tissue, ligaments, tendons, muscles. Organs and blood. Bones. I feel my heart rate quicken as I imagine myself a pile of bones. I was ok with the tissues melting away. I'm less ok with this. So hard to imagine bones disintegrating to nothing. With the last piece of dust that was left of me, I built my current manifestation back up again.
I looked down at my cell phone and realized I had either never set my alarm or I sat right through it. Damn.
Guided Meditation/Asana Practice/Relaxation on the First Foundation of Mindfulness
Sit in a comfortable position, allowing your body to be upright. Start to draw awareness to the breath as it moves in and out of the body. Notice the belly rising on the inhales. Notice the belly falling on the exhales. Start to follow the breath. Notice how it enters the nostrils, travels down the back of the throat and into nasal pharynx, down into the bronchial tubes, into the lungs. Notice the lungs as they expand and contract, following the breath on its journey out of the body. Notice if the breaths are long, or if the breaths are short. Feel the position of the body on the ground. Draw awareness to the feet and legs, and what parts are touching the floor. Notice any sensations in the toes, feet, shins, knees, thighs. Moving upward, noticing sensations through the hips, belly, chest, shoulders, arms, hands, fingers. Notice any thoughts moving through the brain. Draw the focus back to the breath and how it moves in and out of the body. As the bell sounds, draw your attention to the sound, gently opening up your eyes. Palms into prayer, and bow.
Start your practice in virasana, hero's pose. Sitting tall, draw the awareness towards the breath and how it moves in and out of the body. Grow taller through the spine on the inhales. On the exhales, feel the body root itself towards the floor, noticing what parts of the body are touching the floor.
Slowly make your way into a table top position. Shoulders above the wrists, all ten fingers spread wide on the mat. On the inhale, lift the tailbone and the forehead towards the ceiling, giving a slight compression to the spine and a stretch to the abdominals, in cow pose. On the exhale, tuck the tailbone towards the floor, tuck the chin to the chest, creating a stretch in the spine, coming into cat pose. Repeat as many inhales and exhales as you wish. Notice how the positioning of the body changes on the in and out breaths. Notice how the feelings in the body change between the postures, how both front body and back body expand and contract with the movement of the breath. Try changing the movements and the breath. Exhaling to cow and inhaling to cat. Notice any thoughts or feelings that come up in the body when the order is reversed.
Come to a neutral spine. Curl over the toes, and life the sits-bones towards the ceiling coming into a downward dog. Draw awareness to the sensations in the body. Feeling the blood pool towards the feet, head, hands and arms. Feel the hamstrings soften towards the back wall. Relax the calves and heels towards the floor, melt the heart towards the feet. Take a couple breaths in this posture, noticing how the air is moving differently throughout the body.
Come back into a table top position, and press the hips back towards the heels, extending the arms out in front of you, coming into balasana, or child's pose. Keep the pose active by pressing the palms of the hands into the floor, fingers wide apart, feeling how the forearms and elbows come off the floor. Notice how the forehead is gently resting on the floor. Feel the release through the lumbar spine and the stretch through the back body. On the next inhale, gently release the pose, slowly coming into hero, then exhaling and laying on your back for final savasana.
Closing your eyes, and quieting your mind, draw your attention to your belly. Imagine yourself in a bubble. With every inhale, feel the bubble expand and get bigger. On the next in breaths, imagine the bubble covering your entire body. Then the mat. Then the room. The bubble gets bigger with every in breath, encompassing the surrounding neighbourhood, city, province, continent, hemisphere, planet, solar system, galaxy, universe. Drawing awareness to the exhales, take yourself back with every exhale. The bubble shrinks, from the universe, to the galaxy, solar system, planet, hemisphere, continent, province, city, neighbourhood, room, mat, body. Feel the self completely relaxed, being as much a part of the mat, the floor, the room, etc as you are with the body. Stay for as long as you wish. Namaste.
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and to relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy and hope. I am determined to not spread news that I do not know to be certain and not criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.
I think this one is my favourite one. People always comment on how much more quieter I've become since my first teacher training - moreso now! I hope one day my brain can become as quiet as my mouth has!
3 am
my apartment in Toronto
It's 3 am, and I am just getting down to my first sit of the week since I came back to Toronto on Saturday. I've been a tad busy.
I'm tired. I can't get over how tired I am and how much I want to go back to bed. But trying to go back to bed has failed, and since sleep evades me, as it usually does several nights a week, I sit. Noticing the heaviness of my head. Noticing not wanting to keep sitting up. I contemplate laying down and would laugh at the irony of actually falling asleep. As I have to get up at 4h30, there's almost no point. Noticing I have yet to read exercises 9 and 10 in the sati- and am probably not even doing the right thing. What is right, anyway?
Notice the brain constantly chattering. Think about contemplation for unmindful speech. Think about cat and how he kind of sucks for making hairball sounds in my ear at 2 am since he hasn't yet learned to not start to hairball on my bed, especially when I am sleeping.
Alarm goes off. I feel more tired and turn off the lights. And am once again, wide awake. I am so going to the gym.