Day two of sitting/asana practice.

I attended a yoga class really early at 6h30 this morning! It was the only time I would be able to fit sitting and asana in, as I taught two classes after that, and am out this evening.

When I was sitting this morning I noticed how tired I was and grew resentful that I was up so early. As much as I try not to get into this particular mindset, sometimes I allow myself to believe that this is "one other thing to do". I think majority of the resentfulness had to do with me getting up at 5h50 when my alarm went off, after only having about a total of eight hours of sleep the past two nights. I was very tired, and a tad grumpy.

I was relieved when the teacher walked into the room and class began, but found my khapa dosha ass eagerly awaiting savasana the second I stood up on my mat and started practice. I noticed that, and laughed at myself, and somewhere within the standing series bitterness and resentment (to what, I have no clue) moved in, and internally, I was screaming. My brain refused to shut off no matter how many times I tried to label my breath and focus on that. Nightclub mind in sitting and asana today, for sure.

And so it begins

So today starts the correspondence portion of our Mindfulness Yoga Teacher Training. Our training consisted of two really intense weekends of meditation, lecture and asana practice. The next six months we'll be journaling our daily meditation practices, asana practices, and whatever else the lovely Frank Jude Boccio gives us for our correspondence course. This month in addition to our journaling, we have an essay to write as well, which I will probably publish here too :) I'm looking forward to this journey and developing new practices and mindful ways of living. I'm also looking forward to incorporating more mindfulness into my yoga classes, so it's going to be interesting to see how I grow and develop as a teacher!

So this week, we're to focus on labeling our inhales and exhales as we sit: belly rising, belly falling for three days, and then drawing awareness to the nostrils: in breath, out breath.

This morning I sat for fifteen minutes before attending an hour long yoga class. It was interesting sitting and meditating in a hot room; but I also didn't find myself very distracted by things that might normally distract me during a meditation: my foot falling asleep, students unrolling mats and getting themselves situated in the practice room, sweat dripping down my face and back. I was really intently focusing on labeling the inhales and exhales. I think now its almost comical and I'm wondering if I even really relaxed into meditation since I was focusing so hard on those two words! Towards the end of the fifteen minutes, I wasn't doing much labeling of breathing, but was focused on my breath and how it changed from deep to shallow inhales. I started to anticipate the class a little bit and was wondering when it was going to start. Each time I caught myself doing that I went back to labeling the rising and falling. Good times.

On the King of Pop - You are sorely, sorely missed Michael.

Excuse the delay in my lamenting, but I have been busy. I feel like I am finally having time to grieve for this, and as I type this, tears are free falling down my cheeks and my hands are shaking. Like, I'm actually hurting over this, which is a really interesting feeling to have for someone I didn't know personally.

I haven't really ever been this affected by a celebrity's death, but I find myself really upset over Michael Jackson's death. Say what you want about him, but I think the man was an absolute genius on so many levels, and truly believe that the child molestation charges laid against him were from a greedy family taking advantage of a vulnerable man with issues and wasn't mentally all there.

Thursday night I was down in Waterloo teaching. Just as I had gone into teach a yoga class, the trades and studio owner and I had just been looking at TMZ.com, which was reporting that MJ had gone into cardiac arrest. When I came out of my class 90 minutes later, I had several text messages on my phone saying he was gone. I was so sad, and it was really difficult for me to get through my next class. I sang my favourite Sanskrit prayer at the end of the class and dedicated it silently to him and his family.

While it sounds dramatic (and it might be, but I think I relate to music differently than a lot of people, and that's ok) I feel like my world was turned a bit upside down. He was gone, MTV was actually playing music videos, and I don't know if we'll ever have as much of a musical genius on this planet again in my lifetime.

Getting back to Toronto on Friday and walking past the memorial at Dundas Square was awesome. It was great to see so many people gathered in one place, street buskers playing his music and busking to his songs. It made my heart swell and my eyes water.

I feel privileged to have seen him perform at a concert in Prague when I was 16 years old. It was an insanely crazy night, and to this day I'm surprised my mom let me go, but given that she was on the other side of the world, she didn't have much choice in the matter. It is something that will live on in my mind and heart forever.

It's not that I really enjoyed listening to his LPs growing up (my mom had Off The Wall, Thriller, and Bad and I listened to them on her record player and danced to them allll the time). I did, and I echo the sentiments of many of my friends when they say they felt a part of their childhood died with him. Its how he was able to transcend all ages, races, sexes, and religions. Michael Jackson was the first musician to successfuly combine pop and R&B music, and was the first black artist to get his videos aired on MTV. That's a HUGE deal. Every single genre of music has sampled or covered a tune of his. So many musicians, dancers and artists have been strongly influence by his tunes, moves, and attitudes.

He made us think, laugh, and brought awareness to the neglected. He encouraged us to do more, be better, and to never give up. He taught us that change starts from within if we want to make this world a better place. His songs reached out to everyone on so many levels. So many of my favourite memories have happened while listening to his songs. I can remember so many road trips with Kristin where were turned on "Smooth Criminal", "The Way You Make Me Feel" and "Thriller" and just rolled down the windows and belted those songs, not caring who heard us or how fast we were driving, or the fact that we were, indeed, trying to moonwalk while sitting down.

Over the years I felt badly for him because it became so apparent how much he hated himself. It was sad to watch him transform into someone who barely looked like a human. He was a man who had so much love and compassion in his heart, donating millions to charity and spreading awareness. In turn so many people loved him. He had such a wide variety of friends who cared for him, but it wasn't even enough and it was so apparent he felt so alone and hated himself. Sadly, that's usually the plight of people who are geniuses.

I hope he's now in a better place where the self loathing is gone, and I hope he can see just how many people were profoundly affected by his music, and by him in general. I truly hope he is happier. My prayers and thoughts are constantly with his family.

It pains me that kids younger than me, and many my age, are only going to remember him as "whacko Jacko". I hope over time those that chastized him will grow to appreciate all he did.

I hope that my children enjoy listening to his music as much as I did when they're growing up.

Here is a list of some of the charities that he donated millions of dollars to:

AIDS Project L.A.
American Cancer Society
Angel Food
Big Brothers of Greater Los Angeles
Brotherhood Crusade
Camp Ronald McDonald
Childhelp U.S.A.
Children's Institute International
Cities and Schools Scholarship Fund
Community Youth Sports & Arts Foundation
Dakar Foundation
Dreamstreet Kids
Dreams Come True Charity
Elizabeth Taylor Aids Foundation
Juvenile Diabetes Foundation
Make-A-Wish Foundation
Minority Aids Project
The Sickle Cell Research Foundation
Volunteers of America
Wish Granting
YMCA - 28th Street/Crenshaw

His good work was often overshadowed by nasty allegations and the news media covering any negative aspect of his life. Even in his death they proved to have no respect for him. "This is the ambulence transporting Michael Jackson's body." "Here's Michal Jackson's corpse on a stretcher wrapped in a white sheet". Get a fucking life, assholes. But they didn't really respect him when he was alive, so I guess why start now? It's sad.

Again, say what you want, but I do feel as if a friend has passed on. I don't think it makes me overly dramatic, or makes me care too much. I was heavily influenced by his music and by his charity work, and have so many happy memories because of that. I am greatly saddened and feel like the world has lost great advocate and friend. May God bless him and his family, and may his soul be at peace.

Michael, you will always be loved, and your legacy will never be forgotten. Rest in peace, and God bless you.

On garbage strikes.

You know, I think having strikes and demanding more money in the middle of a recession is pretty selfish.

I believe that city jobs are pretty cushy to begin with, with nice fringe benefits and awesome retirement plans. I don't know every reason as to why they are striking, but I know one of the reasons is because they want to cash in sick days and their contract doesn't allow them to. Striking in the middle of tourist season, leaving our city smelly and increasing the chances of disease spread via rats and roaches because you're refusing to collect garbage, composting, and recycling is pretty stupid. And as a citizen of Toronto, I'm pretty sick of being held hostage when city workers go wah wah wah wah wah all the way to the picket lines because boo hoo they don't get what they want. I'm not a pawn in your game of chess. If you want public sympathy, don't do things to piss off the public.

And now the LCBO (our liquor stores) are set to strike perhaps Wednesday. They have, however, promised to keep a few liquor stores open but I was watching CP24 this morning at the gym and they prediction a huge sum of revenue lost for the province of Ontario per day if they do indeed strike. Which, during a recession, isn't what we need either.

In 2002 the provincial government actually got together and ordered back to work legislation for city workers after two weeks with no garbage pickup, social workers (like public housing/city run shelter workers) and daycares... but I'm pretty sure a motivator in that was that the Pope was coming to town for World Youth Day. This time, we have no Pope or World Youth Day. We have Pride this weekend though - I'm going to be interested to see what Yonge Street looks like after the parade. At the same time, Torontonians are cool and it wouldn't surprise me if groups of people got together to stage a mass cleanup of the downtown core.

A similar strike on Windsor has been going on since April - I believe they've had no garbage pickup for about 60 or 90 days now?

Even today while walking to the gym I could already smell the rankness coming from back alleys and the sidewalk. Keep in mind I live in Greektown, with a shitonne of restaurants and cafes and stuff - its gonna get even more gross.

Toronto has designated certain dumping stations for people to DRIVE TO and put their garbage in, however, I do not have a car, so I don't see how this helps the many people who live in Toronto without cars. Apparently at some stations, picketers are not even allowing residents to dump their garbage, or not letting them through. People just leave their garbage outside the gates, and apparently there are city officials sifting through other people's trash looking for names, and addresses, so they can fine people $380 for illegal dumping. That's fucking ridiculous. We can't put our trash over the fence because you're blocking us from doing that... and then we get fined for it? Oh, fuck you.

I do hope it gets figured out soon. We only get two or three beautiful months of summer per year. It will be a shame to have to enjoy them with minimal liquor and to share them with the rats and roaches.

On gay marriage.

I don't understand how people can ONLY think that marriage can ONLY be between a MAN and a WOMAN.

The religious text book that you read (a translation, at that!) says so?

So you base this decision on something that, yeah, has a lot of great stories and metaphors and really has given us a lot of examples how to lead our lives as "good people" in it... but really... possibly... has no real merit to back it up (besides Those That Say So So It Shall Be?)

I fail to understand.

What I also fail to understand:

PUTTING A QUESTION OF WHAT IS EQUALITY TO A PUBLIC VOTE.

WHO. THE FUCK. GETS PEOPLE TO VOTE ON EQUAL RIGHTS?

Seriously. Are we going to get propositions for segregation again? Cuz its the same damn thing people. Different pile of shit, but same god-damned thing.

Not allowing people who are deeply, consentually, respectfully in love with each other to not be able to celebrate that and have it be LEGAL?

WHY?!

We humans are so judgmental, so hateful, so spiteful. I believe that the world needs a little more love. Its needs an OUT POURING, HEART-BURSTING love, and it needs that now. You won't allow gays to marry because it ruins the "sanctity of marriage"?

Give me a fucking break. Shot gun weddings between pregnant teenagers, people paying each other thousands of dollars for city hall weddings for US citizenship, arranged marriages (and no, not all of them are consentual, as we like to believe they ALL are), drunken Vegas drive thrus and marriages of convenience are all just the FUCKIN' EPITOME OF SANCTITY.

Who the FUCK gives YOU the right to tell someone whom they CAN and CAN'T be with? I can't even IMAGINE what that must be like. I mean, I've had my share of unrequited love, sure, but there always remained knowledge that if he and I were to chose, our wedding would be considered legal and valid by not only God, but by the government.

I mean. Show me scientific evidence that same sex marriages and couples just shouldn't be together (and not from an evolutionary perspective. Fuck kids. Our world is quite overpopulated and can hardly sustain itself, and you're worried about procreating? Give me a fucking break.). These rights and freedoms and laws aren't based on anything else but RELIGION which shouldn't even be in GOVERNMENT anyway. In the grand scheme of things, is a gay person getting married to another gay person really fucking up your life? Are they forcing their gay marriage on you? Are they holding you at gun point, trying to make you go to their wedding or sending you tapes of what they do in bed (which will happen with or without the marriage, let me tell you)? Are gays getting married REALLY fucking up your every day life? If so, I think YOU are the one with the problem and YOU are the one who needs the help. Not them. YOU are the person denying TWO PEOPLE IN LOVE the RIGHT to express their LOVE. That is HORRENDOUS. I don't know about you, but I have my own shit to concern myself with. I don't give a flying fuck if Adam and Steve get married. Let them get married and then get divorced like 51% of the American population.

I get so frustrated. I woke up yesterday morning feeling like prop 8 would be overturned. By a government that, a year before, had made it legal. Taken away by people who are afraid of anything different. People who claim they are doing God's work to spread the love, but really I don't see how that's possible.

The United States is fighting two wars right now. Our economy is in the shitter. Millions of people are unemployed and underemployed, trying to make ends meet. Gun violence is increasing, and there is no seeming end to domestic violence, child abuse, and rape. But this is what we're choosing to focus on. Disallowing people to not get their love legally recognized. This is what we spend our energy on, our time on, when we should be focusing and pooling our mental and physical resources together to come up with solutions to the BIGGER problems in our society.

Belief in a higher power is about love. It's about faith, its about trust, and it's about being able to have that oneness, that union, with all there is. God is love. God is light. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you should be denied feeling any of that, whether it be with God, or with someone else.

I don't think God should ever destroy.

And I hope one day my country elects a leader that will further seek to unite and change these laws so that people really, truly, do have the equal rights that they are guarunteed under our Constitution.

***

Two more things:

California, I no longer look to you as the liberal trendsetter and Canada lite.

Also, if you don't like gay marriage, then don't get one and shut the fuck up.

Imagine

Peace, health and happiness to all of you in 2009. 2008 was a great year. Thanks for reading :)

New phone

After dropping mine in my beer on New Year's Eve. My new G1! I can't put it down!